


Freecrow Academy - A Phanfic

by Autumn_Kismet



Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Boarding School, Drug Use, Hospitalisation, M/M, Mental Illness, Phan - Freeform, Self Harm, Suicide mentions, Threats, Triggers, homophobic slurs probably idk, m/m - Freeform, mental health
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-10
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-03-22 05:17:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 32
Words: 46,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3716578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Autumn_Kismet/pseuds/Autumn_Kismet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

When Dan was 14 years old, he was expelled for the first time. It was four days after his birthday and he’d knocked out one of the boys in his science class. He couldn’t remember what he said, but he stood by the fact that it must’ve been something bad since he was a quiet and somewhat shy kid at the time. If he was being honest, he didn’t remember it all that much, just the yelling in the principal’s office as his parents argued with him, the principal, and (of course) each other about what to do. At his next school, it happened again; he was expelled about two months before his 16th birthday. According to the school, he was a “problem child”, and was “too much to handle” for some- okay, all- of his teachers. And then he was expelled again. From a third school. This time it was about three weeks before his 17th birthday, for essentially the same reasons as the last school. Have you noticed the pattern yet? Because he sure didn’t, neither did his parents or any of the schools he’d been excluded from. It was his birthday. His parents, on that faithful 14th birthday of his, announced their divorce. Apparently they were so wrapped up in their lack-of-love for one another that neither of them had remembered the anniversary of his birth, and then after that incident at school four days later, he never looked back. He didn’t care. He would get busted smoking in utility closets and behind buildings, he’d get caught with his pants down, literally, with girls in bathrooms and darkened corners. He would get kicked out of class for making obscene comments or just generally not following instructions. They were right. He had become a problem. He was a problem and he knew it. 

“Daniel!” his mum called from downstairs. He was late. “Daniel! Come on! We’re meant to meet your father at the school at 9am and if we’re late, I’ll never hear the last of it!”  
She was right. Dan’s dad was horrible to her, and he would take any excuse he could get his hands on in order to justify his terrible treatment toward her. Unfortunately, just because they were divorced and lived apart didn’t change that. He felt bad that he was essentially the only reason that they still had to communicate.   
“I’m coming!” he screamed out to her from atop the stairs, “Everything’s in the car already, I’ll get there when I get there!”   
He had made it no secret in both of his parent’s households that he wasn’t at all happy about this new school. School number four. Freecrow Academy; a boarding school. Neither of his parents wanted him. Unlike other families battling for custody, they were each battling against having Dan in their custody. It hurt. He knew things were hard on them, but they just didn’t seem to take into consideration how he felt and how he was feeling about the entire situation. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt safe, or even okay.   
He threw his backpack at his feet as he jumped in the front seat of his mum’s car and slammed the door shut, popping his earphones in so that she wouldn’t try to talk to him about how “this is the right thing” for the umpteenth time. About two hours later, they pulled up in small visitor’s carpark and trudged up the gravel path toward his dad, whom had grown tired of waiting at the gate and had wandered up closer to the administration building. The closer they got to him, the more his stomach knotted. He was going to yell, Dan just knew it.   
“Jesus! We agreed for 9 O’clock!” Dan’s dad shouted at his ex-wife before turning to his son, “What’ve I told you about keeping us waiting, Dan!”  
“What’ve I told you about being a sorry excuse for a human being, dad?!” he yelled back, earning a hit across the head, curtesy of his father. 

The painful hour that was Dan’s entrance interview seemed to drag on for weeks. Once it was over, his parents had gone their separate ways and he was left sitting awkwardly and alone in the student office while his timetable, information packs and whatever other useless crap they were going to give him, were organised. Within 15 minutes, a tall man came and sat beside him, his blonde hair was slicked right back and his eyes were a shade of brown slightly lighter than Dan’s were.   
“Daniel Howell?” the blonde man’s deep voice spoke his name,   
“It’s Dan,” he shrugged and the man nodded with an uncomfortable smile and handed the younger boy a small stack of papers,   
“Alright, Dan. I’m Mr Sparsa, I’m the head of the HSIE department and I’ll be your history teacher,” he explained, his voice sounded as though he genuinely cared, but if Dan had learned anything from school it was that that was a lie. Teachers didn’t care about him, just like everyone else. “I understand that you’ve had it tough at your previous schools, but it’s a little different here. We have a lot of strict rules, but they’re put in place to protect you and your peers. Now, you’ll be sharing a room with one other student and he knows the drill around here, I’ve spoken to him and he’s kindly agreed to help you out. That isn’t to say you can’t ask myself or any other teachers for help or whatever you need, but based off of the notes from your other schools, we think that this is a better situation for you,” he smiled and Dan nodded. He was a little shocked, this school seemed to have it all together and while he still felt quite abandoned and harboured huge amount of resentment toward his parents, and the fact that he had essentially been locked up and confined to some stupid boarding school, he felt a little less anxious. 

Key-coded dorms. This place had key-coded dorms. Dan wondered how many students had locked themselves out, forgotten their keys or had them stolen before they decided little key pads at the door was the way to go. Mr Sparsa keyed in the all-access code to room 427, Dan’s new home, and released the door revealing a small entrance hallway before it opened up into a far more vast space with two beds, two wardrobes and two bedside tables – what was this, Dan thought, Noah’s ark with two of every furnishing? Mr Sparsa nodded before departing and leaving him alone in the room to unpack and, he supposed, wait for his still nameless roommate. Dan plonked himself down on the unmade bed and laughed a little when he caught site of the bed clothes on the other bed. They were exactly the same brand and pattern as his own, though his were black, white and greyscale as opposed to the green and blue checks on what must’ve been his roommate’s bed. The idea of sharing a room for the next year and half with a complete stranger made him feel really uneasy. What if he was a total freak? What if he was… actually, there was a very slim chance of him being worse than Dan was, unless he was a murderer, but what were the odds of that happening?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Phil had never been able to understand some of the people that were in his classes. He had never been able to just shoot his hand up in class to suggest an answer like they could. He truly wished that he could, but the idea of putting himself out there and risking being wrong was far too confronting for him, this was despite the fact that he was at the top of at least 4 of his classes and doing quite well at the rest of them. He’d been going to Freecrow Academy since year 7, he even went to the same primary school as most of the people in his year group. In spite of this, he only had two friends. He was sure that if one were to show the people in their year 11 class a picture of him they’d have been able to tell you his name or a similar variation of, but they couldn’t tell you anything else about him. He wasn’t all too loud or outgoing. He had a tendency to do his own thing, and he was perfectly okay with that. His pair of friends, Chris and PJ, were in most of his classes too, it was a little strange because almost everyone knew them and who they were while having very little idea of his existence, but he guessed he was just a little quieter and kept to myself a lot more than he thought he did. PJ and Phil had known each other since they were in Kindergarten and had been inseparable ever since, Chris, though, had joined the equation when they were all about 13 years old and they had all started at Freecrow. Chris had been Phil’s roommate until year 10, it was actually how they met, but when PJ’s roommate died toward the end of year 10, PJ had some trouble coping, and so it was decided that Chris should move in with him instead. It’d been a little strange for Phil, being alone for something like six months, when he was so used to sharing close quarters with a friend. 

“Hey, Phil…” PJ whispered, trying not to let the teacher hear him and grabbing Phil’s attention,   
“Yeah?” he replied, looking up from his scribbled doodles,   
“You’re getting your new roommate today, yeah?” PJ asked, Phil nodded and looked into his piercing blue eyes as they widened slightly with a bit of excitement, “Text me when you meet him, I want to know everything!” Phil laughed quietly and nodded before turning his concentration back to the scribbles in his book when his doodling was interrupted by the stern voice of his maths teacher.   
“Mr Kendell, would you please divert your attention back to the class? I’m sure PJ will survive the rest of the lesson without hearing your voice,” the teacher, an older woman, Mrs Bernard, rose an unimpressed eyebrow at Chris.   
“I don’t know about that, Miss. My voice could possibly be the only thing keeping him going,” Chris joked and PJ let out a quiet laugh as Mrs Bernard rolled her eyes at the clown and turned back around to the board to continue. Phil looked up at the lesson, growing tired of his terrible drawings, and realised that he hadn’t been paying attention in the slightest. What the heck was a hypotenuse? Phil thought back to one of his classes from a couple of years ago. Oh, right. That line thing, Phil realised. His mind had simply kept wandering, he was worried and he was excited about his new roommate, it was what had dominated his thoughts all day. He finished writing down the mass of words and numbers on the board, and with that, the bell rang. Phil scrambled to pick up his stationary from the empty desk beside him and shuffled out the door with the rest of the students. Chris and PJ waved as they took off in the blurred crowd of young people headed to get lunch from the cafeteria while he turned and walked off in the opposite direction, back to his dorm, having finished his classes for the day. Dropping Geography so that he had an afternoon or two free a week was probably the smartest thing he’d done in months, he believed. 

When Phil made it back to the dorm, he quickly punched in the code to his room, 5466, and opened the door, the scent of cigarette smoke filling his nostrils as he walked through to his bed. His gaze moved to the closed door of the shared ensuite and he stayed quiet. He wanted to make a good impression on his new roommate, so rather than knocking on the door and throwing some not-so-wild accusations, he decided to just open the bedroom window and take a seat on his bed as he scrolled through his phone. Phil moved himself to lay down on his bed, looking around the room because, well, he was generally bored of scrolling through mindless sites on the internet. His eyes wandered to the bed across from his own and he let out a short breath, laughing under his breath at the sheer coincidence that his new roommate shared almost the exact same bed sheets as him. The fact that they were completely devoid of colour said something to him though, and perhaps it was the fact that he was smoking in the bathroom that contributed to his deduction, but maybe he wasn’t the kind of person that Phil would usually associate with… He forced himself to push his negative thoughts to the back of his mind. He couldn’t judge somebody based solely on the colour of his bed clothes and a bad habit that he may have picked up because of… because of… reasons. He could be the nicest human being on the earth. He could be exactly like him. Maybe he loved lions and silly trinkets, and… maybe he didn’t love lions, or silly trinkets, or anything at all. 

Phil heard the bathroom doorknob jiggle from the inside and he bolted upright and sprung from the bed as fast as he could, collecting his phone and jetting toward the door of the room before opening it and stepping outside, closing the door again as quietly as he could. Phil immediately berated himself for having such an irrational reaction to the jerking of a doorknob and pressed his ear to the door, listening to see if his roommate was out of the bathroom and in the main part of their shared space. He heard a draw bang shut, his new roommate was just a few meters away, behind the wooden door. Now was the time to casually stroll in and pretend to be surprised by the other boy’s presence and then introduce himself. Now. Right now. Phil didn’t budge. He was anxious. What if this guy was a total jerk like some of the other boys in their year group? Phil took in his fifth deep breath in a row and brought his hand up to the key-pad. Now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Phil pushed the door open with a click and closed it behind him before walking through to the open part of the room where he assumed his new roommate was. He turned around the corner from the small entrance hall and there he was. His new roommate. He had hair slightly shorter than Phil’s, it was almost a dark brown and had clearly been straightened to frame his face more effectively. He had a sprinkle of very faded freckles across his face and his eyes were a dark, Phil would nearly go as far as to say chocolate, shade of brown. The lashes framing the windows to his soul were even darker, and when Phil looked at the composition of this boy’s eyes, he could see that he was guarded, scared and yet, at the same time, they were cold and empty. Phil quickly stopped gawking and looked down at the half-empty suit case on the floor before looking back up at the boy standing before him,   
“Hi, I’m Phil!” he introduced himself, immediately regretting his forced enthusiasm,   
“I’m Dan,” the brunet shrugged,   
“Cool,” Phil smiled, “I guess I’m you’re new roommate. It’s really nice to meet you!”   
“Yeah, alright. You too,” Dan’s voice just seemed detached and disinterested as he continued to unpack his belongings.   
“You’re in 11th form too, yeah?” Phil heard himself ask, noting Dan’s black hoodie and black skinny jeans,   
“Yep,” he glanced up at Phil from his entirely dark array of clothing that he was slowly sorting into his wardrobe. “You into- um, anything?” he nodded his head and widened his eyes suggestively and Phil wasn’t entirely sure what he was referring to,   
“What do you mean?”   
“You know…” Dan pressed his thumb and index finger together and brought his hand to his mouth before waving his hand as if to say ‘and so on’. Phil shook his head. He didn’t smoke, not cigarettes, not marijuana, not anything. Drugs were certainly not his thing, he didn’t even drink. “Fair enough,” Dan said, continuing to unpack,   
“How about you?” Dan shot him a look the second the words left Phil’s mouth, “I’m not gonna say anything to anyone, it’s just a little easier if we’re straight up with each other.”   
“Fine,” Dan gave in and paused to think of how to phrase his admission, “If you can think of something, I’ve probably used it and I probably will again,”   
“Seriously?”   
“Yeah, why?”   
“No, it’s just that…” Phil pushed his fringe from his eyes, “why? You don’t seem like-”   
“I don’t seem like what? A lost cause? Because I am. There’s your warning, Bill, I suggest you heed it,”   
“My name’s Phil,” he defended politely, “and that’s not what I meant, I’m sure you’re not...”   
“Look, Phil. I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t need some kid from some private school telling me what I am and what I’m not,” Dan sneered as he rolled his eyes and grabbed a little black box from his top bedside drawer and left the room. 

Dan wandered down the unfamiliar dorm room halls, watching his feet as he walked in search of an exit. Maybe being a dick to, and leaving, his roommate he should have asked for directions. Phil seemed like he was nice, he was certainly trying to make a good impression, and Dan didn’t know why he had been so rude. What was wrong with him? His self-depreciative thoughts were rapidly interrupted when he suddenly collided with not one, but two, other people, sending then three of them crashing to the ground and Dan’s little black box to slide across the ugly, navy blue carpet. He didn’t notice.   
“I’m so sorry!” one of the boys exclaimed, picking himself up and offering a hand to both Dan and the other boy, whom was sitting on the ground laughing. Dan ignored the blue eyed boys offer, getting up and walking away from the two fellow brunets toward the door that lead down a set of spiralled stairs to the gardens. He plopped himself down at the base of a huge oak tree, out of site from anyone that may have happened to walk past, and hugged his knees. He was so stupid. Not even he understood his own behaviour. He didn’t want to be a jerk to Phil… Phil seemed so kind hearted and innocent, his eyes, bright and blue with little flecks of yellow, were so full of hope and a desire to help him. Dan bit the inside of his cheek and shook his head to himself, he was riddled with guilt and self-devaluation. He shoved his hand in his pocket in search of his little black box, rooting around for a moment before realising that it was gone. Fuck. 

Phil just stood for a few moments, enveloped in his own thoughts before there was a knock at the door. Dan! Must’ve come back! Phil rushed to the door and opened it eagerly only to reveal Chris and PJ waiting on the other side.   
“Oh. Hey,” Phil let them in,   
“We didn’t hear anything so we decided to come crash the party,” Chris said, taking a seat next to Phil on the bed,   
“Is that him that we ran into in the hallway?” PJ asked, Phil nodded.   
“He’s not exactly friendly…” he told his friends,   
“Sorry,” PJ shrugged, “That kind of sucks. Maybe he’ll come around though, just give him some time,”   
“Yeah, you’re right…” Phil agreed,   
“Oh, he dropped this outside too,” PJ handed the little plastic, black box to Phil, “Do you know what’s in there?”   
“No,” he replied, flipping it around between his fingers.   
“I do,” Chris chimed, earning the attention of the two other boys, “It was open when I picked it up.”   
“What’s in it then? It looks like one you had, does it?” PJ asked and Chris looked down, shaking his head,   
“I don’t think it’s my business to say,” Chris stopped talking. Phil restrained himself from opening it and instead just put it on Dan’s bedside table,   
“Do you smell cigarettes?” PJ asked suddenly, looking around the room.   
“Yeah…” Phil answered, “That would be Dan,”  
“Dan’s his name?” Chris asked, watching Phil change his mind and place the box in the top drawer he’d seen Dan take it from.   
“Yep,” Phil breathed, “I think I’ll go look for him,” he knew that the grounds were pretty big and if he didn’t show up again before dinner, he’d probably starve.   
“Well, text us if anything happens?” PJ led Chris out the door, “We’ll see you at dinner. Good luck!”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Phil grabbed his phone from his bed and shoved it in his pocket before heading out the door himself, watching as Chris unlocked the door to his and PJ’s room before walking out toward the stairs at the end of the corridor. If it were Phil trying to escape, he would have avoided the main stairs, so he figured Dan would have done the same. He exited the building in one of the school’s gardens and looked around at the different shades of green that blurred together into a beautiful painting of nature, it was completely void of other people. He walked by some of the smaller shrubs and bushes and stopped by the large oak tree that shaded the grassy gardens, hearing what sounded like sobbing. Phil took a few steps around to the other side of the tree and was greeted with the site of the brown haired boy, face buried in his hands.  
“Dan?” Phil asked, kneeling down beside him, “Are you alright?”  
“What?” Dan looked up with puffy eyes, “Oh. No. Fuck off.”  
“I know it’s hard just being dropped into a new school, away from your family and friends, half way through the year, but can you please just drop the attitude?”  
“What the fucking hell do you know?!” Dan stood up,  
“Whatever. The key to our room is 5466, come back when you’re ready,” Phil turned and walked away, headed back toward the stairs.  
“Wait!” Dan’s voice called out as he ran up to catch him, “I’m sorry, Phil... Look, I don’t mean to be a dick, it just happens… I’m sorry,” Phil turned to look at him, seeing the genuine look of apology in his face and sighed,  
“It’s okay,” he waited for Dan’s footsteps to be in sync with his own before continuing to their room, “I know it’s not the easiest of changes,” Dan gave him a small, shy, half smile in return. 

“You dropped your little box thing when you ran into my friends earlier,” Phil told Dan when they entered their room,  
“Oh.”  
“It’s in your top drawer,” Phil told him, grabbing his jacket from the wardrobe, “I didn’t look in it, don’t worry.”  
“Thanks,” Dan told him, feeling the relief flow through his body. How could he have been so careless? He whipped open the draw and quickly pocketed it once more, determined to keep what was inside a secret. It was a quite flat and compact, so it was virtually undetectable in his pocket, for that he was thankful. He’d been using that box and what was inside it since he was 15 years old and he couldn’t see forward to a time when he wouldn’t need it any more. He’d seen it in some old B-grade movie once, using the small, flat box to store this particular item of his. Phil turned and looked at him as though he was reading his mind,  
“You alright?” Phil asked, Dan just nodded and Phil watched as he tossed his pack of smokes into the drawer after putting a couple and a lighter in his pocket. “Alright. Dinner?”  
“Sure,” Dan agreed, and they walked together in silence to the doors to the dining area. Phil led Dan over to his usual table where Chris and PJ were already sitting,  
“Dan, this is PJ and Chris,”  
“Nice to see you again,” Chris grinned and Dan and Phil took their seats, “We got you guys the basics, otherwise we’d all be here until midnight,” he laughed,  
“Thanks,” Phil smiled,  
“Thanks…” Dan said hesitantly. It was weird how nice these guys all were to each other, weird, but also pleasant and refreshing.  
“Can I ask you something?” Chris asked Dan between mouthfuls of sub-par tasting food,  
“Go for it,” Dan replied, and Phil prayed that it wasn’t going to be about that box.  
“How come you’re starting like, almost halfway through the year?”  
“I got expelled, so I didn’t really have a choice,” he shrugged as though it were nothing, because to him, it was. Expulsion was just a normal part of his schooling life.  
“What’d you do?” PJ dared to ask,  
“A lot,” Dan smirked, Phil had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from grinning or laughing,  
“No details then?” Chris laughed, “Come on, mate!”  
“Well,” Dan started, PJ and Phil looked on with interest, “It was one of, or a combination of, when I broke some guy’s arm, when I got caught in a… compromising… position with one, or maybe it was both, of the principal’s daughters. I don’t remember. Oh, and I had about twenty warnings about smoking, among other things, on school grounds,”  
Phil just looked on in awe. Dan definitely was not the kind of person he would usually associate with, PJ as well. Chris, on the other hand, didn’t seem all too phased.  
“Seriously?” Chris laughed and Dan nodded,  
“Go big or go home,” Dan said idly, gaining another laugh from Chris. Phil shovelled another fork full of peas into his mouth and chewed. He was rooming with some kind of psychopath.  
“How many schools have you been to?” PJ finally spoke, directing his question at Dan,  
“This is my fourth,”  
“You get kicked out of all of the other ones, or just the last one?”  
“All of them,” Dan told him, not particularly fussed by revealing the truth. They would find out how much of a freak he was eventually, so he may as well have given them some kind of warning. He looked at Phil, noticing how shaken he suddenly appeared. Was Phil… scared of him? 

His mum had ignored all of his phone calls. His father had picked up and told him to piss off. Dan hated them. Well, not really, but he was deeply saddened and extremely hurt. It was rejection, neglect and a general feeling of inadequacy. Dan sat alone on his bed, Phil had left him to see a friend or something, he didn’t know, he was only half listening. He fumbled with his box of cigarettes, dropping it on his knees a couple of times and thinking to himself about how uncoordinated he was. He pulled a single stick from the box and put it between his lips as he put the box into his top drawer, soon he had it lit and could feel the smoke dancing in his lungs while watched the second-hand smoke waft out of the window. His parents hated his “bad habit”, so for that reason, he continued to do so. He watched as the cigarette slowly burned smaller and smaller until there was nothing left beside the butt. He took himself into the bathroom and lowered his jeans to his knees and forced the burning stick against the skin of his thigh, hissing as he proceeded to put it out, burning another circle into his own flesh to join the collection of round scars already littering his skin. He heard Phil’s voice as he entered the room again, calling his name and he quickly did up his pants and walked into the bedroom, tossing the butt into the waste bin,  
“Can we talk?” Phil asked, sitting on his bed. Dan sat down on his own bed, across from Phil but since the distance was something like 2 meters apart it didn’t feel so intimidating.  
“What’s up?” Dan replied, Phil looked anxious, a feeling that Dan knew all too well.  
“You… um, you… did you really do those things you talked about at dinner?”  
“Yeah,” he withheld his smile, he was a little proud of his sexual encounters,  
“With the arm breaking and the principals daughters and… when you said smoking and other things, did you mean drugs?” Phil queried.  
“Yes, yes and, well, yeah…”  
“Why would you break someone’s arm, Dan?”  
“Because he… said some things that I didn’t like,” he told Phil,  
“What could he have possibly said that made you think the only logical thing to do would be to break his arm? ‘Hey Dan, could you break my arm for me to prevent the world from exploding?’!?”  
“Something like that,” Dan bit his lip,  
“But the drugs… Why? And the smoking?! I don’t understand it,” Phil confronted him,  
“I smoke because I want to, and I’ll do whatever else I want because, well, I can.”  
“Alright then,” Phil sighed and stood up, “I’m going to bed, breakfast is at 8:15.” 

Dan watched Phil climb into his bed and soon emulated his actions and did the same. The moment Dan’s head hit his pillow, Phil’s fingers wrapped around the base of the lamp on his bedside table and switched the lights off. Dan didn’t like the dark. There was something about the lack of light where monsters and the supernatural could hide, or more realistically, murderers, that made him nervous. As he lay in the dark room, he kept his eyes wide open in hopes of catching sight of anything moving before it could get to him. He heard Phil shuffle around in his bed and Dan moved his sights in that general direction, hearing Phil’s breaths as he slept. Eventually sleep snuck up on him without so much as a greeting.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Phil heard the alarm on his phone sound, signalling that it was 7am and time to haul his sleepy ass out of bed and get ready to function for the day. He sat up on the edge of the bed and looked over at his new roommate, whom was still sleeping. He picked up a pillow and threw it across the room and onto Dan’s head, calling out his name in hopes of a response. Dan let out a tired groan and rolled over to face the voice that had said his name,   
“What?”   
“It’s 7 O’clock, I’m gonna shower but I suggest you get up too,” Phil told him, dragging his feet along the carpet before stepping onto the cool tiles of the bathroom floor and closing the door. By the time he emerged from the bathroom, fully clothed in a pair of his own black skinny jeans and a purple t-shirt with a cartoon lion on it, Dan was up and rummaging through his wardrobe.   
“Bathroom’s free,” Phil interrupted his delving and turned on his hair straightener. Dan quietly thanked him and headed in to shower himself with an arm full of black clothes, not re-joining Phil for about 15 minutes. Dan opened the bathroom door and was surprised at how ready and composed Phil already looked; his black hair, obviously dyed and a little longer than his own, was dried and straightened to perfection and his lively blue eyes pierced right through his fringe. Within another 15 minutes, Dan’s hair was straightened too and they were both ready to head down to the cafeteria a good 10 minutes early.   
Dan followed Phil through to the line for breakfast and eventually they were seated with PJ, once again at their regular table. Chris was nowhere to be seen. It was loud in the cafeteria, the absent minded chatter of other students, the clanking of cutlery against crockery and of course, the sound of teenage boys attempting to terrorise other teenage boys. It’s like, Dan thought, some teenage boys were a part of a different species. He belonged to that other species, while PJ and Phil just did not.   
“Where’s Chris?” Phil asked, raising his spoon to his mouth, PJ shrugged,   
“Just one of those mornings,” PJ told him and Phil nodded knowingly.   
“What do you mean?” Dan asked, intrigued,   
“Some mornings Chris just kind of wanders off. He says that it helps him think and he goes off to study,” PJ enlightened him,   
“Yeah, his brain just kind of turns on at weird times and he liked to take advantage of it,” Phil added on. Dan nodded. He understood, sort of. He, too, felt the need to wander off and be alone, though it was never to study. After breakfast, Dan continued to follow Phil to his first class. Coincidentally, they shared all but one class; that morning was English. Phil took his usual seat by PJ and Dan watched as Phil indicated that the desk by him was free. Dan smiled to him and headed over to the teacher, introducing himself as a new student, his tone was carefree and relaxed and the teacher, Mr. Bailey, sensed that this new students of his wasn’t going to be one of his top students. 

Throughout the entirety of the lesson, Phil watched as Dan’s eyes roamed from one corner of the ceiling to the other, completely oblivious to the lesson going on around him. It was generally the same experience throughout every other class that day, until the last one. Phil didn’t take Geography, so he headed straight to the library in hopes of finishing off his homework from his other classes while Dan, on the other hand, went straight to his Geography class. The only free seat in the room was between a pretty girl with light brown hair and a boy a little bigger than him with a short, black hair. Dan dropped his books onto the desk and seated himself between the pair of unfamiliar students when the black haired boy addressed him,   
“Who’re you?” he sneered,   
“Dan.”   
“Are you new or something? Why are you starting on a Friday?”  
“I dunno, have you seen me here before?” Dan replied sarcastically, gaining a laugh from the girl on his other side, “And because it’s better than starting on a Monday,”   
“I saw you in English next to that Phil guy. You guys friends?”   
“I don’t know, he’s my roommate,” Dan shrugged,   
“Oh yeah,” the black haired boy spoke to both Dan and the brunette beside him, “His last roommate moved in with PJ last year so he didn’t have to share a room,”   
“Why?” the pretty girl wrinkled her nose,   
“PJ’s roommate, Jonathan, died or something, didn’t he?”   
“Oh, that faggot kid?” the girl continued the conversation over Dan. The black haired boy laughed under his breath and turned to Dan,   
“I’m James,” he finally introduced himself, “This is Chloe.”   
When Phil returned to his room after all classes were over for the day, he half expected Dan to be there, but by the time it was dinner, Phil fully expected Dan to have returned to the room or at least showed up in the cafeteria. But he didn’t. Phil sat down on the floor of Chris and PJ’s room, PJ seated across from him. Neither knew where their roommates were, and while they were perfectly content with not knowing where Chris was, as it was customary for him to disappear every now and then with no trace other than the odd text message to reassure his friends he was alive, Phil was worried about Dan. There was something about him. Something fragile and impressionable, something that Phil wanted to protect despite how different and how much of a jerk he had been. Phil could see he didn’t mean it. He was trying.   
“Phil, he’s probably fine,” PJ attempted to reassure him, “He’s probably found a friend or two and is out, I dunno, smoking or something?”   
“Peej, he does a lot more than smoke…” Phil’s voice was low and concerned,   
“What do you mean?”   
“Drugs.”   
“What kind of drugs?” PJ raised an eyebrow, “How do you know that?”   
“He told me… He said literally anything he could get his hands on,”   
“Phil, just relax. You barely know him, he’s probably been into that stuff for ages and if he really is doing something like that, it would be safe to assume he knows what he’s doing,” PJ smiled at his friend, “Don’t worry about him.”   
“I know you’re right, but I just…” Phil struggled,   
“You just can’t help it?” PJ smiled at him again, Phil let out a light chuckle,   
“Yeah. That.”   
After an hour of playing Mario Kart on the floor of PJ’s room, Phil and PJ heard the beeping of the key pad outside and Chris entered the room with nod, crashing down onto his bed.   
“Hey, we didn’t see you at all today?” Phil looked up at him,   
“Yeah… I went to a few classes in the afternoon and then back out to think,” Chris told him. PJ moved himself to sit next to Chris on the bed,   
“Get much done?” PJ asked. Chris laughed,   
“Yeah, nothing much to worry about now.” Chris looked down to Phil, “You alright?” 

Phil stood and dusted himself off with a nod,   
“I’m gonna go, maybe Dan’s come back or something,” the boys nodded at him and Phil made his way into his own room. He splashed some water on his face and laid down on his bed, phone in hand. It was about then that he must have fallen asleep because about an hour later he was woken up by the sound of a human body crashing against the wall of the entrance way. Phil shot up with wide open eyes and watched in confusion as Dan struggled to pick himself up and continue walking toward his bed. Phil got up and wrapped his arm around Dan’s waist, supporting him on his journey to the bed. He smelled like alcohol and cigarettes. The scent of the smoke lingered on his clothes. Phil dropped Dan down onto the bed and looked at his messy hair and bloodshot eyes,   
“What the heck have you been doing?” Phil asked him, shaking his head,   
“Ugh. Don’t judge me, it’s called having a life,” Dan spat. What kind of a life, Phil wondered, involved coming home with the inability to walk straight enough to avoid slamming into walls?   
“Are you drunk?”   
“Ha! No. I only had two drinks, Phillip,” Dan laughed. He ran his hands through his hair and Phil took a deep breath in,   
“What’ve you been doing?” he repeated. He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to know, but at the same time… he did.   
“Don’t you mean who?” Dan snickered,   
“Okay then, just let me rephrase that. What have you taken tonight?”   
“I dunno,” he shrugged, “I was hanging out with James and his mates,”   
“Dan, I don’t really think you want to be friends with those people…” Phil told him, but alas he was not listening. He was too busy watching Phil’s hair dangle in front of his face. He wanted to reach out and touch it, but he controlled himself. “Dan, are you paying attention?”   
“I don’t need your advice, Phil,” Dan slurred, “I’ve been fucking myself up for a long time now. I know exactly what I’m doing.”   
“Of course you do.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

A week passed and Dan was still cold toward Phil. He continued to pay less and less attention in class, his attitude changed from rude with a shy edge, to just plain rude, or even mean. He’d stopped joining Phil, Chris and PJ for meals and when he and Phil were alone together in their bedroom, the air wrung with hostility. Phil felt intimidated, awkward, and unsafe. It were as though he were contending with Dan’s emotions, the ones he sensed were there, but deeply hidden away for fear of further rejection. Despite the fact that Phil felt sorry for his hurtful roommate, he was sick of it. He was sick of tip-toing around him. He was sick of him coming in late drunk or high. He was sick of him smoking in the bathroom. He was sick of his shitty attitude. He didn’t know what to do. It was taking his toll on him to the point where he didn’t even feel welcome in his own room.   
Phil punched in the code to the bedroom and walked in, glancing around the room just in time to witness Dan pinning down yet another girl to his bed as she kissed him under the covers. He looked up at the pair for a moment, catching Dan’s eye and for a moment. He quickly turned and left again.   
“Phil?” PJ asked, exiting his own room, “Didn’t you just go in there?”   
“Yeah,” Phil rolled his eyes, “Dan’s in there with some other girl…”   
“Another one?!” PJ looked on at Phil’s face with disbelief, “Jesus… Well, me and Chris are going to get some tea from the kitchen, wanna come?” Phil’s face lit up. He was so glad to be able to spend time with his friends again like normal,   
“Yes!” he laughed, “Where’s Chris?”   
“He just texted me and said he’s already down there,” PJ caught up with Phil to walk to the closest kitchen area in the building. “So, other than the girls, how’re things with Dan going?”   
“He keeps coming back drunk or high, smelling like booze and smoke…”   
“Why don’t you report him?” PJ wondered aloud, he legitimately could not understand Phil’s sympathy for the boy. If it were him, he’d have reported him every night that week that he’d been there!   
“Because I don’t want him to get expelled again…” Phil confessed,   
“And why not? He doesn’t deserve for you to be this nice to him, Phil!”   
“Doesn’t he, though? Maybe just no one’s given him a chance… Maybe, soon, I’ll be able to talk to him properly and…”   
“And, what?! Phil, seriously, I’m saying this to you out of love, you’re completely deluded,” PJ’s voice was stern.   
“I just…” Phil began as they walked into the kitchen and were greeted with a smile from Chris, “There has to be something…” PJ and Phil sat across the small, white, square kitchen table from Phil. PJ quickly filled in Chris on what they’d been talking about and Chris looked over to Phil,   
“He can’t be all bad, right?” Phil’s eyes begged for agreement,   
“Right.” Chris nodded. 

His latest conquer, Bridget, had long since left by the time Phil returned to the room, two cups of tea in hand. He placed one by Dan on the bedside table and just stood in front of him waiting for a reaction.   
“What?” Dan asked, looking at Phil as he just stood there,   
“You say ‘thank you’, Dan,”   
“Thanks,” Dan rolled his eyes and Phil sighed before sitting next to him on the bed, leaning his head against the cold wall, “What the fuck are you doing?”   
“What the fuck are YOU doing?” Phil breathed. “I have been nothing but nice to you, Daniel! I’m trying to be nice and helpful and… I don’t even know! You have absolutely no respect for me!”   
“Excuse me?!” Dan stood up, looming over Phil and demanding an explanation for his sudden confrontation.   
“You heard me! It’s been, what, a week?! And I don’t even feel welcome in the room I’ve lived in for two and a half years anymore!” Phil tried to keep calm but he felt his voice getting louder and louder, “It’s just plain rude, and you’re being such a jerk to me for no reason!”   
“It’s not for no reason, Phil! It’s because you’re a fucking loser!” Dan yelled at him, “You haven’t got the slightest clue about anything!”   
“Says you! Can you name a single thing you’ve learned in class since last Friday?! No! You can’t! Because you sit there and make stupid comments and stare out the window or the ceiling or your phone! You go out with your ‘friends’ and get drunk, and high, and you know what?!”   
“WHAT?!” Dan’s voice shook as he screamed and he felt the tears building up, but he held them back.   
“I HELP YOU WHEN YOU STUMBLE IN AND CRASH INTO THE WALLS! I’VE TUCKED YOU INTO BED THREE TIMES BECAUSE YOU JUST COULDN’T DO IT YOURSELF! I HAVEN’T REPORTED YOU AND GOTTEN YOU IN TROUBLE WHEN, BY ALL MEANS, I SHOULD! AND YET, YOU STILL HAVE NO RESPECT FOR ME! I WANT TO THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS, BUT YOU’RE MAKING IT REALLY… you’re making it really hard for me, Dan…” The words came flowing from Phil’s mouth and he watched in complete shock as tear suddenly came pouring from Dan’s eyes.   
“You’re right,” Dan squeaked, feeling as though he were about to crumble. He felt himself trembling and soon enough he was on the ground and Phil had his arm around his shoulders,   
“I didn’t mean to…” Phil tried to comfort him, “I’m sorry for shouting…” Dan shook his head before quietly clearing his throat,   
“No… I deserve it. You’re right…” He took a deep breath and looked up from his knees. Phil’s kind, blue eyes looked right into his and for a moment, he didn’t feel so alone. “I’m sorry.”   
“Are you?” Phil’s voice was low and calming and he watched as Dan nodded his head, his hair messy and starting to curl, “Okay. Dan, you’re really frustrating… but I know you’re a good person.”   
“I’m not,” Dan composed himself and leant up against Phil’s bed feeling the vibrations coming from it, “You bed is vibrating?”   
“Give me a sec,” Phil stood and grabbed his vibrating phone from his bed, seeing Chris’s number on the screen, “Chris?”   
“Are you okay?! We could hear you guys yelled from next door,” Chris spoke into the phone,   
“Yeah, we’re fine… Sorry if we disturbed you,” Phil apologised into the phone. It’s like apologies were just a part of who he was, Dan noted.   
“No, we’re all good, PJ was just worried that Dan had murdered you or something,” Chris joked,   
“Alright, alright,” Phil chuckled, “I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” and with that Phil tossed the phone on his nightstand and slumped down next to Dan.   
“I’m sorry for crying,” Dan lolled his head onto Phil’s shoulder, “I know you’re just trying to be nice…”   
“You’re alright,” Phil whispered. 

Dan just breathed. He just stopped talking, stopped thinking, and breathed. Phil truly was nice. He was more than nice. He was here trying to help him, talking to him, not berating him for crying like the completely wimp that he was. He had been so awful. He’d called him a loser, and just two days ago, called him a faggot in front of James, Chloe and their gang, as well as Chris and PJ. Phil didn’t even yell at him. He just turned around and left. He must have been so hurt, Dan thought back to the last time someone called him a faggot… he’d broken the guy’s arm. It had literally been just eight days since he’d arrived and he’d said so many horrible things to him. He didn’t even like James, he was just mean for the sake of being mean, and Chloe and her friends weren’t particularly nice either.   
“Phil?” Dan looked up after a few minutes,   
“Mmm?”   
“I’m sorry I said all those horrible things to you. I’m sorry I called you a faggot. I don’t even know why I said any of it…”   
“You sure you just weren’t projecting?” Phil suggested, and Dan could feel the vibrations from Phil’s throat.   
“What do you mean?” Dan asked,   
“You said those things to me because it’s how you feel about yourself, and like, maybe it was because I was the only person being nice to you?” Phil explained his suggestion further.   
“Yeah…” Dan agreed under his breath, “And maybe I’m just messed up…”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Dan was right, he was messed up. He was sick, but he refused to believe it. He was self destructive. He smoked because it calmed him, but he started because he knew it would eventually kill him. He used drugs; weed, ice, cocaine, literally anything he was offered because there was a chance he could stop feeling so…wrong. He drank because it helped him to forget how much he hated himself. He hurt himself because it brought him relief, because he deserved it, because he felt a strong need. An uncontrollable, scorching desire to feel the burn of his cigarettes against his skin, to feel the cool metal of the blade he kept in his little black box, ran through his body at an alarming pace multiple times a day. He did everything in his power to ensure he had access to a weapon at any given moment. He’d hidden a little metal blade under his mattress, in his pencil case, taped under his top drawer, in his little black box that he kept on him, in his phone case… he even kept one slipped between the bottom shelf and the surrounding plastic of the little mirrored cabinet in the bathroom. He was prepared for whenever the urge would rise from within him and take control of his body.   
“Dan?” Phil asked, slightly concerned because as far as he knew, Dan had been sitting on his bed, staring at the corner of the room, facing away from anyone that may enter, dissociative for who knew how long. Phil had been out of their room all day, going about his usual Saturday business, but on his way to Chris and PJ’s room, decided to stop in and check on him. He’d been weird since he’d broken down the night before. Phil could have sworn Dan hadn’t slept at all. Dan quickly whipped around, startled, his face looking completely shocked, though his expression dissolved into a look of defeat. “Dan, are you okay?”   
“Yes! Yes, yeah, I’m fine!” he replied in alarm, “Are you, um, how are you?”   
“I’m good, I just wanted to make sure you’re alright,” Phil took a few steps forward toward him, “What are you doing?”   
“Nothing. What’re you doing?”   
“Are you doing drugs?”   
“No!” Dan exclaimed, “I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t do that, I wouldn’t keep anything like that in here…”   
“Okay,” Phil nodded, “Thanks. So, what are you doing?” Phil asked again, pivoting to quickly put his phone on charge. Dan quickly rolled the sleeves of his jumper back down and slipped the razor into his front pocket as he stood up and Phil turned back around,   
“Like, I said, nothing!” he felt as the blood from his fresh cuts slowly crept closer to the cuff of his jumper, threatening to drip down his hand.   
“Alright… How come you’re not out with your friends?” Phil sat on his blue and green covered bed sheets,   
“They’re not my friends,”   
“Not even your little gang of girlfriends?” Phil joked, Dan forced a laugh,   
“I’m in love with every single one of them,” Dan said sarcastically with an amused grin.   
“Of course you are,” Phil joined, “You’re welcome to hang out with me, Chris and Peej tonight if you like. We’re just gonna walk around the campus and find a nice place out in one of the gardens and talk or something. There’ll be food?”   
“That sounds completely gay,”   
“Dan, don’t be like that,” Phil reprimanded him, “Are you in?”   
“Fine.” 

“Phil,” PJ whispered to Phil as they walked several feet behind Dan and Chris, “Do you think that we should really be hanging out with Dan?”   
“Why shouldn’t we?” Phil asked, immediately regretting doing so,   
“Phil! He’s a drug addict! He’s a complete dick to everyone in our classes, and he’s… there’s something not right about him!” he gestured to Dan up ahead just in time for both he and Phil to see Chris turn to glance back at them.   
“He’s going to hear you!” Phil yelled in hushed tones, “He’s not that bad! I like him. He’s just troubled,”   
“He called you a faggot in front of our entire history class,”   
“And he apologised last night, Peej…” Phil told him,   
“What? Amongst all that yelling?”   
“Yes, actually. We were yelling and fighting and…”   
“And what?” PJ asked, slowing his pace slightly,   
“And then he was crying, and he apologised for a lot of his behaviour. Today he was really weird too, he was just sitting there staring at the wall…” he explained,   
“Damn it, Phil…” PJ looked up at Chris just in time to catch Dan pushing him, “Phil, look! He’s freaking attacking Chris!”   
“DAN!” Phil called out, “Please don’t break my friends! This is why we can’t have nice things!”  
“That’s not funny, Phil…” PJ droned as Phil let out a laugh. 

The night was cool and the grass was a little damp. The orange-yellow lights from the school buildings lit the outdoors so as the group wouldn’t get lost in the dark. They walked through the trees and the shrubs, each taking it in, none of them saying a single thing about the secret appreciation for nature that they all held. It would have been so dark without the lights of the school, Dan thought as the clouds blanketed the sky, blocking out both the moon and the stars above.   
“Can I talk to you about something?” Chris asked, somewhat randomly,   
“Yeah, what?” Dan replied, suddenly all too aware that he and Chris were almost alone, save for Phil and PJ a few metres behind them.   
“Can you show me your wrists?” Chris whispered, Dan was quiet for a few moments,   
“…Why?”   
“Can you just show me your wrists?” Chris repeated.   
“No, and if you ask me again, I’ll fucking kill you,” Dan hissed,   
“Dan, I know you cut yourself. The only reason no one else knows is because I’ve kept it to myself.”   
“I don’t fucking cut myself, and if I did, how the fuck would you know?” Dan shot,   
“Because I saw what was in that flat, black box, and I saw that movie with the guy that kept razors and matches in one of them, I’m assuming that’s where you got the idea?”   
“What of it?” Dan looked down at his feet and Chris quickly looked over his shoulder to make sure that Phil and PJ weren’t listening,   
“Show me your wrists or I’ll tell them,” Chris demanded as nicely as he could and reluctantly, Dan complied, rolling his sleeves up and revealing the scars, scabs and fresh cuts. Chris let out a deep breath,   
“Fuck, Dan…”   
“What does it matter? We both know this is your way of saying you do it too,” Dan said, rolling his sleeves back down, “What was the point of this conversation anyway?”   
“So that you know that you’re not the only one,” Chris said quietly,   
“We have a bit in common, don’t we?” Dan pointed out, “You want a smoke?” Chris laughed,   
“Not in front of Phil and Peej, they’ll freak.”   
“So what do you really do when you go off to ‘study’?” Dan shot him a smile,   
“Not much,” he smirked, “We can’t all be as hard-core as you seem to think you are,” Chris joked. Dan laughed and pushed him a little before hearing a shout from behind him,   
“DAN!” he turned around to see Phil shouting out to him with a smile, “Please don’t break my friends! This is why we can’t have nice things!”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Once a week. Just once a week, that’s all they asked for, and Phil had forgotten. Every week since 7th form, Phil had called his parents on a Saturday night. Normally he wouldn’t feel too bad about it and would simply call them the next morning, but that Sunday morning was crowded with other events and his parents were just going to have to wait. When he’d woken up that morning, Dan was in the bathroom splashing water on his face, he looked like he’d been crying. Dan emerged from the bathroom, walking straight into Phil and apologising profusely, which was highly out of character for him. Dan crawled back into bed and pulled the covers over his head, curling into a little ball,   
“Dan… are you okay?” Phil asked, sitting on the end of his bed. He heard a noise that sounded like a yes and continued, “I don’t believe you. What’s wrong?”   
“Jesus, Phil, can you just mind your own fucking business?” Dan snapped at him from within his cocoon of bed clothes,   
“Fine… Sorry for caring,” Phil mumbled and locked himself in the bathroom to shower. When he came back out, dressed in dark jeans and a powder-turquoise, button-up shirt, Dan was still lying in bed, his back to the bathroom door. Phil wandered over to his bed to shove his pyjama pants under his pillow and realised that he was still holding his towel. He made his way back into the bathroom and hung up his towel, hitting his shoulder against the open bathroom mirror-cabinet on his way back up. He quickly shot around to catch anything that might fall out, and with his luck, he knew it would be a lot. He caught the deodorant, the toothbrushes and the pack of cigarettes that Dan had, for some reason, left on the top shelf. Literally everything else either wedged itself somewhere in the cabinet that it didn’t belong, or fell into the sink beneath it. Phil sighed, putting everything back onto the top two shelves and taking a minute to adjust the bottom shelf of the cabinet, seeing that a few smaller items had wedged between it and the walls. He picked up the bottom shelf and everything on it fell to the bottom of the plastic shell, and then he saw it. 

The razor blade, wrapped in sticky tape. He picked it up and marched out to Dan, seeing that he was still facing away from him,   
“Dan… What is this?” He asked reluctantly. Dan didn’t move or make a sound. Phil took a few steps towards Dan’s bed and pulled the covers back, he’d fallen back to sleep. Phil swallowed hard and looked down to Dan’s hands, noting that he’d never seen Dan without long sleeves. His left hand had a dark red trail of dried blood that had dripped down from, Phil assumed, his wrist. Phil panicked. He didn’t know what to do. He shook Dan awake, receiving an unamused noise from his roommate,   
“Phil, what the fuck are you doing?!” he shouted,   
“I’m waking you up because…” Phil didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t thought this far,   
“Because why?” Dan opened his eyes now and looked up into Phil’s anxious, blue equivalents.   
“Because I found this,” he held up the taped razor, “hidden in the bathroom, and… and… you’re wrist… it’s…” Phil struggled to get the words out. Dan knew what he was saying though, and sat up quickly,   
“No, no! Phil, no! Please stop talking!”   
“Dan…” Phil’s beautiful, pure eyes looked so full of fear and sadness, Dan didn’t know what to do, this was something he couldn’t yell his way out of. “Dan, you… you hurt yourself…”   
“Yes, I know…” Dan whispered. He was never worried about people that found out about his self-harm thinking he was a freak. He didn’t care about that. What freaked him out was other people’s reactions, and the idea that they’d make him get help. He didn’t want to get help. He hated psychologists, and basically anyone else in the mental health field.   
“Dan… you… you…” Phil struggled to speak, wanting to help but unsure of what to say or how to say it,   
“Phil, please. Stop.” Dan insisted, and with that Phil got up off of the bed and went back into the bathroom, emerging again with a damp cloth. He reached for Dan’s hand, and Dan didn’t fight it. It had been a long time since someone had cared. It’d been even longer since someone hadn’t screamed at him for his self-destructive behaviour. Phil gently wiped away the dried blood, cleaning the area a little as Dan stayed silent. He looked up at Phil’s face and saw that he was almost in tears, doing all that he could to prevent himself from crying,   
“Phil… are you okay?” Dan said quietly, letting Phil continue to dab at the already clean area.   
“Mhmm,”   
“You can stop, it’s really okay now,”   
“No, it… um… it’s...” Phil struggled again, feeling a crushing feeling within his chest. Dan watched as Phil’s pale face was tainted with fresh tear tracks and he placed his hand on Phil’s, stopping him from dabbing at his cuts any longer. Dan took the cloth from his hand and tossed it onto the bedside table,   
“They’re not bleeding anymore,” Dan’s voice was low and Phil nodded, wiping the tears from his eyes on his arm, but they still kept coming.   
“I’m sorry…” Phil whispered as Dan sat up a little more, wrapping his arms around Phil’s trembling form.   
“Don’t be sorry… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to find out, or to, um… react like this,” Dan said in the softest voice. Phil eased into the hug, and soon he was under the covers of Dan’s bed as he clutched onto Dan tightly. 

Dan didn’t understand why Phil had reacted like this. Why did he get so emotional? Why couldn’t he even string together a sentence? Dan felt Phil’s chest rise and fall in his arms as he sobbed into his chest. He wasn’t sure what he was meant to do, so he did what came naturally; he held him closer to his body and twisted some of his hair delicately through his fingers. Eventually Phil just fell asleep, and Dan embraced the warmth and the sense of security he felt being this close to Phil. He snugged into Phil a little deeper and closed his eyes.   
“Uh. Phil? Dan?” PJ’s voice sounded from the entranceway of the room, closely followed by the sound of him clearing his voice,   
“Wh- what?” Phil lifted his head from Dan’s chest and craned his neck to look at his friend,   
“What are you doing?” PJ whispered this time,   
“I’m… uh… I don’t know.” Phil untangled himself from a sleeping Dan, quickly fixing his hair,   
“What were you guys using that cloth for? Is it… is it wet?” PJ raised an eyebrow,   
“Peej,” Phil looked unamused, “You know it’s not like that,” Phil said, dragging his friend from the room.   
“I don’t know what it is or isn’t like, Phil. I mean, I walked in on you guys reeeaaalllyyyy freaking close together in bed, and then there’s the cloth…”   
“You’re joking right?” Phil said flatly,   
“A little,” PJ smirked. “Look, Phil… I don’t think he’s a good influence, okay? Next thing I know, I’ll be walking in on you smoking, and then shooting up or something. I don’t want that for you,”   
“I don’t think Dan uses those kinds of things…”   
“You said yourself that he uses whatever he can get his hands on. How do you know that while the two of you were all cuddled up together, he wasn’t high on something?”   
“I just know, okay?” Phil looked down,   
“What the hell could have happened, if it’s not what I was thinking earlier, that led to that entire situation?” PJ pointed at the door to Dan and Phil’s room.   
“I can’t talk about it right now…” Phil said softly, PJ sighed,   
“I’m just worried, okay?”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Phil hadn’t brought up Dan’s cutting since the day he’d found out. He didn’t know what to say, or what to do, or even how to handle it. He wanted Dan to get help, but he knew that Dan probably wouldn’t respond well to professionals sitting him down in a room and grilling him about his behaviour, but if he didn’t… what would happen? The last person that Phil knew that hurt himself… he couldn’t even think about it. He figured that Dan was really good at keeping this secret of his on the down low, especially since he hadn’t seen Dan hurt himself, or any sign or trace of having hurt himself, since that Sunday morning. He wasn’t careless or stupid enough to think that Dan would have just stopped because Phil had seen his tortured arms and cried. He’d cried. He felt so horrible for crying. He shouldn’t have reacted like that, he should have offered his support to Dan, but instead Dan had offered Phil comfort in his arms. He just didn’t know how to tell Dan that he was there for him. 

Twelve days passed, Dan was distant again, but not cold, and Phil had noticed that while there was a string of girls in and out of their room all week, as was usual for Dan, there weren’t as many of them. Over the course of the almost-fortnight, there had only been 4 girls that Phil saw, which stood as quite a dramatic decline for Dan. Phil wasn’t sure how Dan did it. Was Dan really that charming? He knew some of the girls, they weren’t stupid, and so Phil assumed Dan must’ve had SOMETHING going for him that he was unaware of. Or maybe it was the rumour that had made its way back to Phil, somehow, that Dan was extremely good in bed. Divine, even. When he’d heard that from one of the girls in class as she was telling PJ, he had to stifle a laugh. He wasn’t sure why it was funny, but it certainly was. Phil’s thoughts were disrupted by the beeping of the keypad at the door; it was Dan. Dan tossed him a piece of paper on his way through to his bed and dropped down onto it pathetically, adding a sigh for dramatic effect,   
“What’s this?” Phil said, unfolding the white, A4 sheet to read whatever was printed on it.   
“It’s my assignment,” Dan said softly, folding himself into his bed and making himself comfortable with his pillows and duvet,   
“And why is it in my hands?”   
“Because I thought you’d like it,” Dan mumbled just loud enough for Phil to hear, “Don’t read it now, though.” Phil nodded and folded the paper back up, sliding it onto his bedside table.   
“How are you?” Phil asked before the nerve to do so left him,   
“I’m good,” Dan nodded from within his cocoon of bedclothes,   
“Are you?”   
“Well, yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” Dan looked over at him,   
“Because… you know…” Phil said, almost incomprehensible. Dan rolled onto his side to look at Phil better, “And, um… you haven’t had as many visits from your girlfriends. I don’t know whether that’s a good or a bad thing with you, though…”   
“I have better things to do with my time,” Dan faked a smile, “Like, you know…”   
“Drugs?” Phil finished his sentence for him.   
“Do you know the names of anything, or do you just refer to it all collectively as ‘drugs’?” Dan laughed,   
“Of course I know the names of things,” Phil frowned, “I just don’t know what you take.”   
“Okay then. I do weed sometimes, not often, it’s a bit lame honestly. Mostly it’s just E, but sometimes I’ll do ice or something. No big deal,”   
“No big deal?” Phil repeated, a query in his tone, “Look, Dan… I know it’s not a big deal for you, but it’s not safe…  
“Don’t worry about me, okay?”   
“No, I’m going to worry. You’re my friend and I care about you!”   
“You’re my- We’re… we’re friends?” Dan faltered, and Phil observed the look of confusion on his face. He looked almost flattered and surprised.   
“Well, yes. Now that I’m at a place where I can believe that you’re not going to break my bones,” Phil joked to him with a laugh, “Don’t you think so?”   
“Does it matter what I think?” Dan shrugged,   
“Of course it does, Dan. What are you talking about?”   
“I just… I didn’t know that you saw us as friends… I haven’t exactly always been nice to you,” Dan bit the inside of his lip and thought back to the dozens of times he’d made mean comments to his new friend. His eyes became a little foggy and he blinked a few times to clear them, though it was to no avail. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a friend that didn’t demand for him to get drunk, or high, or do other stupid things with them, he couldn’t remember the last time someone had shown that they legitimately care about him.   
“Dan,” Phil said, getting up and walking over to him, “Are you crying?”   
“No,” Dan shook his head,   
“Are you okay?” Phil asked, sitting by him and letting in a deep breath,   
“I am, yeah- I’m… I’m- thank you,” Dan’s bottom lip quivered for a moment before the first tears began to fall and he laughed, “Now- now I’m crying.” 

Phil lent onto Dan and enveloped him into a hug, feeling Dan let out a shuddered breath,   
“I’m here for you, alright?” Phil said, and Dan nodded his head. “I just want you to be okay, because you have so much potential, Dan. So much. You’re not a bad person, you just act like it sometimes because… I don’t know why, actually, but you’re nowhere near as bad as you think you are, and don’t you dare doubt me on that.” Dan rolled over in Phil’s embrace and hugged him back, pushing thoughts of how weird this entire scenario was. It wasn’t normal for Dan to show affection, not this kind of affection, to people. “Dan, I think we need to talk.”   
“Only if you get off me and get in,” he said, shuffling himself closer to the wall to make room for Phil and lifting the covers. Phil smiles at the boy and climbs under the duvet, a more than a little surprised when Dan, puffy-eyed, tear-stained Dan, wraps his arms around his waist and hides his face in Phil’s chest, still clearly very emotional.   
“Have you ever… gotten help before?” Phil asked hesitantly, Dan pulls his head up and looks at him, his face painted with an expression that Phil couldn’t put his finger on,   
“…Yes.”   
“Is there a reason you don’t now?”   
“Because,” Dan said, thinking of how to phrase it, “I don’t like it. They make me feel like I’m… less than them, and everyone else because I...”   
“I’m sorry…”   
“I’m not addicted to using, you know,” Dan told him, “I hate to sound cliché, but I don’t have to do it. I can stop. I just don’t want to,”   
“What about drinking?” Phil humoured him. He didn’t know if Dan was addicted or not, he didn’t know if Dan would even know if he was addicted, so he decided to skip right to the alcohol.   
“I don’t drink as much as you think,” Dan laughed, “Trust me,”   
“Okay,” Phil nodded with an encouraging smile. Dan was surprised. In the past, literally anyone that he’d spoken to about this kind of thing with would argue and deny whatever Dan would say, but Phil hadn’t.   
“Wait. You believe me?” He asked, shocked,   
“Should I not?” Phil frowned at him,   
“No, no! You should! I just didn’t think you would…” There was silence for a moment before both of them heard shouting from the next room. Chris and PJ’s room, to be exact. Phil took in a deep breath and swallowed the saliva that had pooled in his mouth,   
“I used to have a friend that hurt himself,” Phil stated abruptly. “We were really close…”   
“Were?” Dan breathed. Was that the reason they were no longer friends? Was this going to be Phil’s way of saying that if he didn’t stop, they wouldn’t be friends anymore?   
“Yeah. Were.”   
“Why aren’t you- how come you’re not friends now?” Dan asked cautiously, noting the distinct look in Phil’s eyes, the look at told him that soon the two of them would be wet-eyed and cuddling in bed together like… like…   
“Because it’s very hard to be friends with someone after attending their funeral.” Phil’s voice was cold and hard, but inside his chest, his heart was breaking all over again, “He’s dead.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

“Phil… I…” Dan suddenly felt ill and he darted his eyes between Phil’s face and roof. Had Phil’s friend… killed himself?  
“It was nine months ago. If he had a girlfriend and she’d have gotten pregnant that night instead of him dying, he’d have a baby now,” Phil said. Dan was confused. It was such a strange thing to say. He looked over at Phil and noticed that his eyes were watering, but he was smiling. “Jonathon used to share a room with Peej, while Chris and I shared this room. Me, Peej and Chris were out in the cafeteria and we decided we were gonna go out to walk around the grounds, so we got up to go and PJ called Jonathan to see if he wanted to join us. He didn’t answer, but um… that wasn’t unusual, so I said I’d go get him and meet the guys out by the far side of the Library. I knocked on the door and he didn’t answer, and so I just typed in the key and opened the door. He wasn’t in there. At least that’s what I thought. I quickly checked the bathroom before I left and he was laying on the floor, not moving… I froze for a moment and looked at his wrists, but he wasn’t bleeding, the blood had stopped and dried. I’d known about it for months, the cutting, I mean. I should have done something… but then there he was, on the floor, not bleeding anymore, just… motionless. I ran over and I couldn’t wake him up, and then… I saw the, the um- the three empty bottles of sleeping tablets… I called 999, but it was too late. He wasn’t breathing anymore and his- his…” Dan watched the tears fall from Phil’s eyes and leave dark, wet drop marks on Dan’s shirt, “his heart had stopped.” 

Dan didn’t know what came over him, his heart went out to Phil. He moved his arm over and pulled Phil tighter to him, brushing the tears from Phil’s cheek and feeling his damp eyelashes graze his thumb.   
“I’m sorry…” Dan whispered, running his fingers through Phil’s hair as he sobbed, “I’m here for you too…” he uttered. It was a sentence he’d never articulated before, words he’d never felt he needed, or wanted, to say to a person… but this person, Phil, cared about him. Phil cared. Phil was nice, and sweet, and kind, and Dan was going to be damned if he didn’t scoop up this opportunity for an actual friendship.   
“I know, this is weird…” Phil whispered, Dan shook his head and looked down into Phil’s eyes. Once he got past how red and bloodshot they were from crying, he noticed how blue they were and how they sparkled in the afternoon light. Dan’s stomach flipped and he felt a pulsating sensation running through his arms as he pulled Phil even tighter. He rested his forehead against Phil’s and felt the heat from his face, and then he leaned in. 

Phil felt Dan’s body close to his own and it felt so good, so nice, so comforting. Dan wasn’t at all like PJ thought he was. Dan cared about him. Dan was here, with Phil, holding him in his arms as he calmed down and attempted to stop crying. Phil shuffled himself slightly so that Dan could pull him closer; Dan was a little bigger than he was, and it felt so safe to be in his arms. He felt Dan’s forehead press up against his own, Dan’s skin was nowhere near as hot as his own. After a moment, Dan’s forehead pulled away and Phil opened his eyes, staring into Dan’s chocolate brown, puppy-dog eyes, and it hit him. That’s what got him those girls. This… Dan’s eyes, his soft smile, the way his hands held him so close… this would be exactly what the girls’ saw in him. He moved his eyes from Dan’s, hoping Dan wouldn’t think it was weird that he was getting lost in them, instead his gaze focused on his lips which were slowly, ever so slowly, getting closer… and closer… and closer to his own. The second Dan’s lips grazed against his own, Phil felt a little shiver throughout his body. Dan’s lips were warm, soft, and so experienced; they moved expertly in rhythm with Phils as he kissed him back. It was shyly at first, but for the remainder of the moment they shared, it was completely natural. Dan pulled away first, his hand still playing with Phil’s hair,   
“I’m sorry…” Dan whispered, moving his head back but keeping his body firmly in place close to Phil.   
“Dan…” Phil murmured,   
“I- um… was that okay- that, like, I did that?” Dan struggled to spit the words out, Phil tightened his grip around him,   
“I- um, I…” Phil said quietly.   
“Have you… have you, um, ever kissed someone before… well, before now?” Dan asked, unsure of whether or not it was offensive, or rude, or too personal. Phil hesitated, insecure about his answer,   
“I- uh,” he stuttered, still not looking Dan in the face, “…no.” 

Dan swallowed. Hard. He had kissed Phil. Phil. His kind, nerdy, sort-of-lame in the opinion of most, roommate. Phil. He had just kissed Phil, and normally, a kiss would mean nothing, but this was different. Technically, anything involving a bed would usually mean nothing for Dan, but this was different. He and Phil were curled up and intertwined together in his bed, both harbouring a lot of emotional baggage, and Dan had just given him his first kiss. Phil wouldn’t look at him, he was looking down, his face aimed in the general direction of Dan’s ribs, and he knew he was crying.   
“Phil…” Dan breathed, “I didn’t know… I wouldn’t’ve…”   
“I can’t do this,” Phil almost shouted, suddenly pushing Dan off of him and leaping from the bed and rushing out of the room, the door slamming shut behind him with a bang. Phil leaned against the wall outside his bedroom door and took in a few shuddered breaths before he heard PJ’s door just a few feet away open up.   
“Phil? Phil, are you okay? What happened? What did he do?” PJ ran over to him, dropping onto his knees beside his crying friend, “Phil, talk to me, okay?” Phil just shook his head and buried his damp face into his knees as PJ wrapped his arms around him.   
“PJ, what are y-” Chris’s voice was cut off the second he rounded the corner from their room and laid eyes on the pair of his close friends on the floor, “Phil..?”   
“I don’t know what happened…” PJ looked up to Chris was wide, concerned eyes,   
“Phil, just tell us what happened, okay?” Chris whispered, picking him up off the ground and back onto his feet, “Come on.” 

Phil sat on PJ’s bed, rubbing his eyes as PJ sat beside him and rubbed circles on his back. He’d calmed down considerably, but he wasn’t ready to tell PJ and Chris what had happened, he didn’t know where to start or how to say it, or even what to say. He wasn’t even sure he knew what happened.   
“Phil, please tell me what he did,” PJ repeated for what felt like the millionth time, when realistically, it was probably only the third or fourth. He replied the same was he did each of the other times, remaining silent and shaking his head. “Fine,” PJ stood up and left the room, Phil’s eyes following him out the door until he was out of site.   
“Phil, just humour me on this, okay?” Chris’s voice spoke, jolting Phil out of whatever kind of trance he was in, “But, did you… did you see something that, I don’t know, maybe you shouldn’t have, um- seen?”   
“What do you mean?” Phil finally spoke, looking up at him,   
“I think you know what I mean, considering you actually answered me,” Chris sat down beside him and slung his arm around Phil’s shoulders, “You can tell me.”   
“Did you… did you know about Dan and the…?” Phil choked, Chris nodded to him, “Why didn’t you tell me?!”   
“It wasn’t my place, Phil…” Chris stroked the top of Phil’s shoulder with his thumb,   
“Did he tell you?”   
“No, I forced it out of him,” Chris pulled Phil in tighter, “Can you tell me what happened?”   
“I found out about it a couple of weeks ago… It’s not about that…” Phil murmured.   
“What’s it about? What happened?” he looked Phil right in the eyes, “Please,”  
“He was- and I then I- and then…” Phil stammered, unable to get out an actual sentence, “and then he… he…”   
“Did he hurt you?” Chris said seriously, “Phil, tell me right now. Did he hurt you?”   
“No…” Phil whispered, “He wouldn’t do that,”   
“Okay, good. Good…” Chris let out the breath he was holding in just as the two of them heard muffled shouting from the next room. Dan and PJ.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Phil scrambled from Chris’s embrace and ran from the room, straight into his own,   
“PJ, STOP!” Phil yelled, stopping as fast as he could without falling over. PJ stopped shouting at the wide-eyed, vulnerable boy that was huddled into the corner of his bed and both of them looked at Phil. Chris quickly stumbled into the room after him, crashing into him, but Phil held his balance,   
“No, Phil! I’m sick of him being here, and I’m tired of wandering through to my room only to bump into a girl trying to slink out of your room unnoticed! I’m sick of his attitude, and I’m completely over how he treats you! Look at you, Phil! You’re in tears! I haven’t seen you cry since…” PJ’s voice was stern and loud, “You know…”   
“PJ… he didn’t do anything wrong…” Phil whimpered, “He’s not as bad as you think, I promise. He’s… he’s my friend too, Peej.”   
“I don’t… I don’t get it, Phil,” PJ turned and headed out of the room, his shoulder hitting Phil as he hurried past him,   
“PJ, come on…” Chris insisted, PJ ignored him. Chris shot Phil and apologetic look, “I’ll check on you later, okay?” he said and followed PJ from the room. Phil’s eyes immediately made their way back to Dan. He didn’t look like himself. He looked scared. What happened to the Dan that didn’t give a fuck? What happened to the Dan that felt it perfectly acceptable to break a guy’s arm because he didn’t like what he had to say? Why didn’t Dan just knock him out? Phil knew he could. Phil knew he probably would any other day, but he didn’t know why right now was different. He looked unsure, and… helpless.

“I’m so sorry, Phil…” Dan uttered softly, his voice trembling,   
“No, don’t be. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have run out like that, I just… I got scared. It wasn’t you,” Phil walked over and climbed next to Dan, not touching him at all because he legitimately looked very much shaken,   
“I’m so sorry…” Dan repeated in the same hushed tone. Phil looked over to him and put his hand out, still worried that touching Dan at this point might not be a good idea. Dan took his hand and soon felt Phil’s thumb stroking the skin of the back of his hand in a circular motion,   
“Did he hit you?” he asked, Dan nodded,   
“Not too hard, don’t worry…”   
“Why didn’t you… why didn’t you fight back?”   
“Because he’s your friend, and I figured you’d hate me more if I, you know, broke him,” Dan said with a little smile.   
“Maybe we can have nice things after all,” Phil laughed, “I don’t understand why you’re so shaken though…”   
“It just wasn’t a good time…” Dan sighed,   
“Is it ever a good time for one to be attacked by another?”   
“Um, yes. Literally anytime but after you’ve just kissed the first actual friend you’ve had since you were like 14, only to have him run out in tears afterward,”   
“I’m sorry about that…” Phil put his arm around Dan and immediately felt the warmth of Dan’s arm around his waist, “It was just overwhelming and…”   
“And..?”   
“I’m sorry, Dan… I’m just- I’m not into guys…” Phil said, looking into his deep brown eyes as he sat firmly in his embrace, holding Dan’s fingers in one hand while his arm draped comfortably over his shoulders.   
“That’s, um… that’s perfectly okay, because I’m not- I’m not into guy’s either,” Dan stuttered, pulling him closer and feeling Phil squeeze his hand tighter.   
“Not that there’s anything wrong with, you know, being into guys,” Phil quickly added,   
“No, no! Not at all…” Dan continued, “Especially when the guy is like, really- um, really attractive.”   
“Or if they’re absolutely adorable,” Dan added with a nod,   
“Or, um… completely sexy,”   
“Phil, I think you’re totally hot,” Dan spat out. Phil looked up at him and Dan felt butterflies in his chest, as if they’d run out of room multiplying in his stomach and decided to fly up and tickle his heart. Suddenly Phil’s lips were on his, and Dan’s hand was cupping Phil’s jaw, his thumb brushing over Phil’s cheek. Within seconds Dan was dominating the kiss, gently biting down on Phil’s bottom lip, receiving a quiet moan from him and using it as an opportunity to slip his tongue into Phil’s mouth, kissing him deeply and pulling him closer. He couldn’t get close enough for his liking, more than anything, in that moment he longed for Phil’s body to be so close to his own that they were the same person; one, single, whole person. For the first time in his life, he understood. He understood intimacy, both physical and emotional. He wasn’t in love with Phil, of course he wasn’t, it was just a kiss, but simultaneously it was more than that. It was a kiss with someone that he actually cared about and that cared about him. While he wanted to bring that physical intimacy to life, at the same time he wanted to hold onto that strong feeling and he prayed to any god that would listen that Phil, his friend, would feel that need, the soul-lifting, yearning, sweltering desire for that intimacy too. 

Dan pulled away and held his face close to Phil’s, just breathing and taking each other in. Dan studied Phil’s movements, every blink, the way he chewed his lip, his throat as he swallowed the saliva that must have built up in his mouth.   
“Please don’t cry,” Dan whispered, his mouth turning into a cheeky grin,   
“I’m not gonna cry,” Phil whispered back, gently shaking his head,   
“I might,” Dan chuckled, feeling Phil’s breath on his skin as he laughed a breathy laugh, “I’m still not into guys.”   
“No, neither am I…”   
“I think I might be into a guy though…” Dan continued, “As in singular, not plural.”   
“That’s good,” Phil pressed his nose against Dan’s before shyly continuing, “I might be into you to…” Dan laughed and Phil watched as his entire face lit up. Phil pulled apart and stood up, fixing his hair and pulling down his top to rest over the top of his jeans, and then Dan was behind him, his hands running down his arms until his fingers interlaced with Phil’s. Dan walked him forward, pushing him against the wall and kissing his neck gently; he turned Phil around, quickly joining their hands again and pinning them above his head on the wall behind him. Dan smiled and kissed Phil again, gentle little kisses on his lips, his cheek and his nose, before Phil leaned forward and took Dan’s lips in his own. Phil’s arms slid down from above his head, now at waist height, but still pinned strongly to the wall. Phil felt Dan’s tongue brush against his and he smiled, so Dan ran his tongue over his teeth until Phil’s smile dissipated and he could kiss him more passionately. Dan pressed his body against Phil’s and a faint ‘mmm’ passed through his lips, the vibration tickling the lips of the ebony haired boy in front of him.   
“Uh. I’ll, um- I’ll come back later…” a confused and startled voice said from behind them. Dan dropped Phil’s hands and took a step back, both of them turning to see Chris standing in the doorway, mouth hanging wide open.   
“Oh, no! Chris!” Phil ran forward and grabbed him, stopping him from leaving, “Okay, please. Don’t freak out.”   
“What’s um, what’s going on?”   
“We, uh- we kissed,” Phil said bluntly, feeling the awkwardness radiating from Dan behind him,   
“I seem to have noticed that. I’ll let you get back to it, I’ll be out of your way now…”   
“No, Chris. Please.”   
“How long has this been going on?” Chris asked, motioning his hand between Dan and Phil,   
“About 10 minutes,” Dan chimed in. Phil held back a laugh, but Chris caught his smile,   
“Alright…” Chris breathed, “I’m assuming this is going to be another secret between the three of us?” Phil looked back at Dan, seeing his nod,   
“Yes, please…” Phil smiled. Chris wrapped his arms around Phil,   
“Please don’t kiss me,” he joked,   
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” laughed Phil, breaking from their friendly hug.   
“I had no idea that you…” Chris began but couldn’t finish the sentence, he had no idea how end it without offending one or both of them.   
“We’re, uh. We’re not into guys,” Dan laughed, followed by Phil. Chris just gave them a confused, ‘I don’t even want to know’ kind of look.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Admittedly, it was awkward. It was weird. Phil had no idea how he was supposed to act around Dan. He hadn’t said anything to him since Chris had walked in on them making out; after that incident, Phil had nodded to Dan and departed with Chris. Chris hadn’t grilled him about it straight away, and for that Phil was thankful, but in his specific moment, a good three days after Chris had caught them, Phil was a little hesitant to answer his questions.   
“Are you gay?” Chris asked, catching him off-guard as he ate his pasta for dinner in the cafeteria. Phil choked for a second before managing to clear his airways and swallow his mouthful, appreciative of the fact that Chris had waited until PJ had left the table to study and that Dan had disappeared off with his ‘not friends’ again.   
“What?”   
“Are you, uh… gay?” Chris repeated, trying to sound a little less confronting this time.   
“I… um,” Phil stalled, unsure of what to answer with, “I… I think I may, perhaps, sort of like Dan.”   
“And Dan is a guy, is he not?” Chris coaxed,   
“Yeah, but…”   
“But what?”   
“What if I only think I like him because he kissed me?”   
“Phil…” Chris began, “It’s okay if you are… I’m not going to stop being your friend or anything,”   
“Thanks… I really, I just… I don’t-” Phil began before Chris interrupted,   
“Wait. Phil, does this mean… Was Dan your first kiss?” Chris’s question was instantly answered by Phil nodding his head slowly. “Oh, Phil…”   
“I’ve never thought about him like that!” Phil assured his friend, “Or you! Or PJ! Or anyone!”   
“No one?” Chris questioned. He figured he would be able to get an answer from Phil eventually, perhaps Phil wasn’t even sure what he was feeling,   
“Other than an odd celebrity, but even then…” Phil looked around the room and pushed the food around on his plate, “I might be gay, but- but maybe I just haven’t found the right girl yet, you know?”   
“Okay,” Chris settled, “But even if you don’t like girls, that completely fine too, yeah?”   
“I’ve never really thought about it…” said Phil, bowing his head to look at his food. He suddenly wasn’t hungry anymore,   
“Phil, you don’t have to lie to me,”   
“Who says I’m lying?” Phil looked up to his friend with a confused expression. Chris took a moment before sighing and explaining himself,   
“When we lived together…” he breathed, watching Phil for the slightest sign of him becoming anything but okay, “I saw your browser history when we did the bibliography for last year’s pair project. There were a fair few google searches, followed by a couple websites – all about “questioning your sexuality”.”   
“W-what..?” Phil stammered, struggling to take this in, “Why didn’t you say something?!”   
“What would I say? ‘Oh hey, Phil! I know you’re struggling with your sexuality!’? That wouldn’t have gone down well, would it?”   
“No…”   
“It wasn’t my business. You hadn’t said you identify as anything else, so I stayed out of it. For all I knew, you were just curious or searching it for a friend – I mean, lots of people question it, it didn’t immediately point to you not being straight…” Chris explained, “But now you’re kissing boys and admitting that you might like one. I can’t help but think that, yeah, maybe you are into guys.”   
“You’re right…” Phil said, voice airy and tone defeated, “I just didn’t get why I wasn’t attracted to girls, but like, I wasn’t attracted to guys either. I wouldn’t let myself be. I didn’t- I don’t want to be gay.” 

Dan didn’t know where he was. He’d been there before, plenty of times, and he knew his way around the place, but he was out of it. He’d been out with James and his gang of ‘cool’ friends, doing what they all usually did, smoking, and drinking and, that night, a little cocaine and some other drug that Dan was unfamiliar with. Dan was familiar with coke, he’d done it dozens of times and knew roughly how much was a ‘safe’ amount for him before he started to feel off. He couldn’t tell you why, or what in his mind persuaded him to do so, but that night he’d taken double in conjunction with whatever the little white pill that James had given him was. Of course he was ‘responsible’ in doing so and waited until sometime close to the end of his first high before snorting something similar to the original amount, but then, not half an hour later, Dan was alone and laying on the floor, completely unsure of where he was or what was going on. He felt sick, he felt hot, he could feel his heart beating faster than normal in his chest, and the sudden bought of anxiety and paranoia he was experiencing lead him to believe one thing – he was going to die. The thing was, he didn’t care. This was a long time coming, he’d tried to kill himself before and failed, but now, a time when he wasn’t even trying to commit suicide, he was going to die. It was ironic, he thought as he laid on the grass in what was arguably the most secluded part of the school grounds, and it was funny. Ironic, and funny. He allowed his eyes to close and for a moment he could have sworn he felt himself being swallowed by the ground, and a thought hit him. He tried to scramble out of the tight embrace of the ground, trying to pull himself out of the earth that was swallowing him and stood up. He was only up for a few seconds before he found himself uncomfortably on the ground once more, but panic had set in. He couldn’t die. He had a friend now. Albeit, a friend that he had treated horribly, a friend that he had kissed and then avoided for days, but Phil was a friend. Phil cared. If he died, he’d be hurting Phil even more. He had already lost one friend, and Phil had confided in him about that traumatic event – Dan couldn’t let that happen again! But as quickly as the thought had dawned on him, it had faded as he passed out on the dewy grass, his heartrate dropping, still higher than normal, but dropping nonetheless. 

“Hey, Peej?” Phil said, knocking on the door to PJ and Chris’s room as he opened it,   
“Yeah? Are you okay?” PJ responded, looking up from his laptop,   
“I’m fine… It’s just, I was wondering, have you seen Dan?”   
“No, why? Has he disappeared again?” PJ raised an eyebrow,   
“Please don’t be like that, I’m genuinely worried…” Phil bit the inside of his lip and continued, “It’s almost midnight and he’s not back yet,”   
“Do you know where he was going?” Chris’s voice asked from the bathroom before he emerged with a toothbrush hanging from his mouth. Phil shook his head, and Chris removed the toothbrush from his mouth, “Don’t worry about him, okay? Just go to bed and I’m sure he’ll be back in the morning,” Chris smiled to him. Phil nodded sadly and exited the room before walking into his own and flopping down on the bed. Within minutes, sleep washed over his untucked form as he lay atop the sheets on an entirely awkward angle. 

“Peej, I’m going out,” Chris said after rinsing his mouth, “okay?”   
“Where are you going? It’s like, 11:45,” PJ asked, closing his laptop and sliding it under his bed,   
“I’ve got to go find Dan,” Chris answered truthfully,   
“No, you don’t! Why would you go and look for him? Why would you send Phil to bed, telling him not to worry because he’ll be back, and then you go out looking for him yourself?” PJ asked, “It doesn’t make sense!”   
“Because I know where Dan goes and Phil doesn’t, okay?”   
“How do you know where he goes?”   
“Because we’ve talked about it, alright?” Chris snapped, “Just chill and let me go and find him. He might not be okay, James and his friends came back over an hour ago, we heard them in the hall, remember? That means that Dan is alone somewhere.”   
“Why does it matter if he’s alone?” PJ’s voice didn’t sound angry any more, just confused,   
“Because people like Dan shouldn’t be alone in the middle of the night,” Chris said, grabbing his coat and leaving the room. He immediately walked down to where he knew James’s gang hung out to do not-so-responsible things, navigating his way through the dark and letting out a winded gasp when he saw the silhouette of a young boy laying in the grass. Alone. Chris had spent his fair share of time here, though he very rarely did he partake in drug-related activities. Nothing more than weed. He knew that Dan had done more than that, though. He kneeled by him and shook his body gently, hoping to wake him up. He put his hand on Dan’s forehead and felt that he was still very warm, shaking him again, he finally stirred. 

His eyes slowly blinked open and he exhaled,   
“Dan?” Chris whispered, “What did you take?”   
“Huh?”   
“What did you do?” Chris repeated.   
“I’m fine, it doesn’t matter…” Dan tried to sit up before falling back onto the grass,   
“Come on, let’s get you to bed,” Chris helped Dan from the grass, patting and wiping off the blades of grass stuck to his back, “Phil’s really worried.”   
“Phil…” Dan said, sounding dazed, “Am I dead?”   
“Is that what this was?” Chris asked, manoeuvring Dan’s arm around his shoulder and his own around Dan’s waist, “Were you trying to kill yourself or something?”   
“No…” Dan said meekly,   
“Are you sure?”   
“I could have done better than this,” was Dan’s bitter reply as they slowly walked. Suddenly Dan jumped, pushing himself from Chris and onto the ground, clambering backwards before stopping. “What’s that!?” Chris stopped and pulled his phone from his pocket, almost ignoring Dan’s freak-out. He held up the phone so that Dan could see from where he was propping himself up on the grass,   
“It’s my phone. It’s vibrating, it’s not going to hurt you,” Chris sounded unimpressed. He knew that this was Dan’s own fault and he wasn’t going to baby him about it, “Hello?” he said into the phone, keeping his eyes on the near-hyperventilating boy on the ground.   
“Chris, where are you?!” PJ’s concerned voice ran through the phone,   
“Calm down, I’m on my way back now. Can you do me a favour?” Chris sighed,   
“What is it?”   
“Can you go and sleep in Phil’s room?”   
“What? Why?” PJ asked, sounding a little hesitant,   
“Because Phil can’t sleep in the same room as Dan tonight,” he said, “Please? It’s for Phil… If he sees Dan like this…”   
“Okay. I’ll go, but Dan’s sleeping in your bed,” PJ agreed.   
“That’s fine. Thank you so much. You’re the best Peej, I just- I…”   
“Love you too,” PJ laughed before the call ended. Chris picked Dan up from the grass once more and within 15 minutes, the pair were alone in Chris’s room, Dan in Chris’s bed and Chris in PJ’s.   
“Chris…” Dan whispered, watching Chris stare intently at the glowing phone screen in his hands,   
“Yeah?” Chris rolled over to look at Dan from across the darkened room,   
“I’m sorry…” he said quietly, “Thanks for finding me…”   
“It’s okay,” Chris whispered back,   
“Has um… has Phil said anything about me?”   
“Like what?”   
“Like… about my kissing him…” Dan hesitated,   
“Mhmm,” Chris affirmed,   
“I lied.”   
“Lied about what?”   
“I do like guys. I have, and I’ve known I have, since I was 14,” Dan confessed, “I just didn’t want Phil to hate me…”   
“Do you actually like Phil, as like, more than a friend?”   
“I don’t even think it’s possible to like Phil less than anything…” Dan whispered, “Did I really mess up when I kissed him?”   
“Dan…” Chris respired, “I think Phil likes you too.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Groggily, foggily, Phil woke up. Light bounced between reflective surfaces throughout the room as it streamed in through the open window, penetrating through his closed eyelids and disturbing his scarily realistic bad dream. He wouldn’t go as far as to label it a nightmare, but it was certainly unpleasant. As they slowly opened, still hazy from sleep, he flicked his strained eyes over to Dan’s bed. Dan wasn’t in it. It was PJ. PJ rolled over and noticed Phil looking at him, he swung his legs from the bed and shuffled his feet over to climb in with Phil,   
“You alright?” he asked settling in beside his childhood friend.   
“Hmm? What do you mean?” Phil replied,   
“You’re crying?”   
“Oh. Am I?” Phil rubbed his eyes and felt how damp they were, “No, no. I’m fine, just a bad dream.”   
“Like that one you had when we were kids? With the bear chasing you?” PJ tried to cheer him up. Phil laughed and shook his head,   
“Where’s Dan?”   
“Dan’s in my room with Chris, don’t worry, he’s fine,” PJ rolled his eyes.   
“Oh…” Phil sighed,   
“What’s the matter?” PJ asked, sensing something somewhat off with Phil,   
“PJ, I…” Phil started, ready to tell PJ everything that he had kept from him, when they both heard the familiar beep of the code of the room being punched in, closely followed by Chris and Dan.   
“Cute,” Chris commented, raising an eyebrow at Phil and PJ, taking a seat on Dan’s bed as the owner of the mattress quietly stalked into the bathroom, “He’s a bit upset.” 

“I am not!” Dan called from the bathroom, opening the door for a second to stick his head out, “I’m not upset,” he repeated, quickly shutting the door again. PJ sat up and gave Chris a weird look,   
“What happened?” he asked, handing Phil his glasses as he noticed he was blocking Phil from everything on his night stand. The three of them heard the water from the shower start in the bathroom and Chris answered, satisfied that Dan couldn’t hear them anymore,   
“Found him last night, whatever he took, it was a lot. He’s come down, obviously, and slept a lot of it off.”   
“Why the hell does he do this?” PJ whispered through gritted teeth,   
“Because he likes someone and he’s completely convinced he’s already fucked it up,” Chris said knowingly, “Among other, more personal things.”   
“Wait, so he actually likes one of those girls that’ve been in and out of here all semester?” PJ asked, strategically playing up his shock, Phil just looked at Chris with questioning eyes.   
“Well, this is someone he, surprisingly, hasn’t slept with. Apparently they kissed, and it was adorable and they were giggling like little children, and then some really, really, good looking guy walked in and busted them and they haven’t spoken about it since,” Chris nodded with a playful smirk, “Man, I bet that really good looking guy knows more than he’s previously let on.”   
“Chris, what are you on about? Stop babbling,” PJ looked unamused,   
“I just think it’s nice that Dan has feelings,” Chris chuckled. 

It was that word. It was a trigger. It sparked a fury inside of him like no other. It was something he’d been called a few times, he was never one to be a victim but from time-to-time he crossed a person or two that felt the need to make derogatory slurs or comments at him. He would never admit it to a single soul, but he was sensitive about his sexuality. He knew he was bisexual since he was about 14, he wouldn’t be able to give you an exact time, date or location, but he could give you that approximation. The first time someone called him a faggot was when he was 15; Dan had told the kid to shut the fuck up and walked it off, but the second he made it home to his bedroom, he cried. It was horrible hearing the taunting tone of his classmate mocking him for his attraction to the same sex, and so the next time that it happened, he snapped. He snapped the guy’s arm. It’d happened a few times, the whole ‘name calling’ thing, but after a few fights and just as many wins, people in his previous schools seemed to have backed off. The thing was, though, that no body actually knew. Maybe some had assumed, but for the most part, it was just ignorant students with nothing better to do than call innocent people a variety of vicious slurs. Ironically, Dan had joined in. He wanted to fit in, more so, he wanted to dominate, and that he did. He could be intimidating and come off as the ‘cool’, ‘hard core’ guy in the dark clothes at the same time, and nobody would suspect that 40% of the times that he would leave class to ‘smoke in the bathrooms’, he was really participating in secret activities with his “friend with benefits” in the school’s drama room. His name was Mitchell, he was 18 and two years older than Dan was, and while everyone was very much aware of his sexcapades with the female students, Mitchell and the handful of other guys he was intimate with, were very much a secret. 

Given this information, it’s very easy to understand how Dan had ended up with a split lip and a bruise to his abdomen. He’d gotten in a fight. He was, oh-so innocently, walking from one class to another across the quad when he felt a shoulder strike his chest. Silently, he turned and made eye contact with the boy. He recognised him from one of his classes, probably maths or English, or some other subject he didn’t pay attention in, and maintaining his strong eye-connection, Dan spoke,   
“You have a problem?”   
The blond guy laughed, “What, mate? You mean with you?”   
“What do you think, genius?” Dan retorted, frowning.   
“Oi, nah, mate. It’s just that I can’t stand little faggots like you,” he flashed Dan a sick, snarky smile and turned to be on his way, laughing with his friends when Dan tapped him on the shoulder. The blond kid turned around, jaw still slack from laughing and putting on a show for his friends, and Dan punched him. Right in his smart-assed, big-mouthed, small-lipped, annoying face. Within a few short seconds, the boy turned around and hit Dan square in the mouth, splitting his bottom lip against his teeth and causing a small pool of blood to form in his mouth. He spat the red, metallic substance from his lips and onto the ground, lunging at the blond kid and punching him once across the face and then into his gut, causing him to hunch over. By this point, the snarky blond guy’s friends had retreated a few steps, not willing to engage for fear of injury to themselves, and around them a crowd had gathered. The blond boy took what seemed like milliseconds to recover and aimed a fist directly at Dan’s abdomen, to which Dan quickly responded with a kick to the shin before flicking his leg behind the boy’s ankle and pulling forward, causing the boy the fall backwards onto the concrete. Everyone continued to chant, or cheer, or whatever they were doing as Dan stepped over the defeated blond mess on the ground and walked through the small crowd as they parted for him, no one entirely sure of what had started the fight and not wanting to prompt another violent reaction from him as he passed. PJ simply looked on in horror. 

“Oh my god, Dan…” Phil gasped as he turned into the bathroom, witnessing Dan sponging his face with cold water and a bloodied cotton balls.   
“Phil!” Dan whipped around to face him, “I- um… shit…”   
“What the hell happened?!” Phil yelled, quickly running to him and taking the soiled cotton balls from his hands, “Are you okay?”   
“I’m fine…” Dan choked, “Why are you being so nice to me?”   
Dan didn’t understand. He hadn’t spoken to Phil in days, not more than a few words in passing, so he couldn’t understand why Phil was choosing to be so kind and caring…   
“Because we’re friends,” Phil smiled, dabbing at his facial wound, “Remember?”   
“Yeah…” Dan nodded shyly, “Did you… um, did you read the thing I gave you before… we uh, we kissed?”   
Phil nodded, smile still on his face, “Yeah. My favourite part was when you talked about finally having a friend that you felt cared about you… it broke my heart a little bit, you know? I’m really glad that you can trust me,”   
“You’re really nice…” was all Dan could muster to say.   
“You’re really weird,” Phil smirked, pulling Dan into a hug and whispering in his ear, “What happened today?”   
“Just some guy, it was a little incident, no one was seriously hurt,” Dan replied as Phil pulled away and chucked the red cotton into the bathroom bin. He picked up a couple of fresh ones and pulled the tea tree oil from the bottom shelf of the small bathroom cabinet, dabbing the cotton into it before holding it against Dan’s lip. He hissed as Phil pressed it against his wound, and it stung more the longer he held it there. “What are you doing?” Dan asked, barely coherently.   
“Helping you,” Phil laughed, “What started it?”   
“The fight?” Dan clarified, Phil nodded, “He said something I didn’t like.”   
“Mmm…” Phil responded, “That seems to be the case a lot, doesn’t it?”   
“It was the same something as the when I broke that guy’s arm, the one I told you about…”   
“Can you tell me what it was?” Phil asked, pulling the cotton ball away and watching Dan move his lips around a little.   
“It was nothing,” Dan said, biting his lip and wincing when he felt the pain, having momentarily forgetting his injury,   
“Clearly it’s not,” Phil said, holding back a laugh at Dan’s forgetfulness, “Please be careful, you don’t want it to get worse.”   
“…He called me a faggot,” Dan whispered hoarsely,   
“Were you upset at the use of the word, or what it’s supposed to mean?” Phil asked, clearing the mess from the sink. 

Dan hadn’t ever really thought about it like that before,   
“Both?” he answered, a hint of uncertainty in his voice.   
“There’s nothing wrong with liking guys, is there?” Phil asked, hoping to any god from any religious denomination that Dan wouldn’t have a problem with it.   
“No, no! Not at all!” Dan answered, “I just… I don’t like… I don’t want people to think…”   
“You don’t want people to think that you, the guy that’s slept with almost every girl in our general age group here, is gay?” Phil raised an eyebrow.   
“I’m not gay…” Dan mumbled,   
“I didn’t say you were,”   
“I’m not straight either… I lied when I said I wasn’t into guys, I just- I didn’t want you to think that I was weird and hate me…”   
“But you know better than that now, right? You know that I’m still going to be your friend even if you’re bisexual or something, right? Are you bi, or…?” Phil asked, taking his hand.   
“Yeah…” Dan nodded, “I’m bi… and I trust you. A lot.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Things were weird. That’s the only way either of them could describe it. They’d giggled, kissed, and enjoyed themselves and one another for what seemed to be a single moment, and then it was over. It was forgotten. They had ignored each other, while Phil confided in Chris and Dan confided in his oldest friend, reckless behaviour and drug use, until they didn’t have any other choice but to talk to each other. Cornered in that bathroom, Dan couldn’t escape Phil’s caring ways. Regardless of how much anxiety Phil was feeling about not only Dan and the whole kissing situation, but also himself, it was obvious that he was determined to pursue a friendship with him and that he was going to do all that he could to help him get better. Phil just wanted Dan’s trust and friendship, and that was exactly what he got, and there they were, less than two feet apart from one another, smiling once more.   
“Okay,” Phil smiled, taking in Dan’s honesty, “There’s nothing wrong with being bi,”   
Dan smiled, “Thank you… Just, um, can we not tell anyone because…”   
“Dan, don’t worry, I won’t say anything,” Phil assured him, inspecting his newly cleaned wound, “trust me when I tell you that your secret is safe with me, okay? Other than me, though, I’m fairly certain that Chris will have put two and two together…”   
“It’s alright… I don’t think he’s going to say anything to anyone, do you?”   
“I don’t think so,” Phil shook his head,   
“So, um…” Dan ruffled his hair with his bruised hand, “About the other day, with the, you know… that whole thing with the kissing?”   
“Yeah?” Phil looked to him, giving him his undivided attention,   
“What uh, what was that about?” Dan said awkwardly, failing to put words together to form a less confronting question, Phil just laughed.   
“I don’t know,” he said straight, “But um… I did like it…” Phil looked down to his feet and silently reprimanded himself for admitting it, waiting for Dan to say something, anything. After a moment of silence, Phil was convinced he had died and that’s why Dan had been so quiet. So, so, quiet. He wasn’t even sure Dan was still in the room, but he would have had to literally walk through him to get out the door, despite this, he still couldn’t will himself to look up. 

He liked it. He had liked kissing him. Phil had enjoyed the kiss just as much as Dan had. Dan just stood there in shock for what seemed like an eternity but realistically was probably more like twenty-five seconds, before he thought that maybe standing in silence wasn’t going to be much reassurance to the nervous looking boy in front of him. His shaky hand slowly made its way to gently grasp Phil’s, while his other, equally as shaky, reached up to cup Phil’s cheek and pull his face back up to level with his own. 

“I liked it too…” Dan whispered, leaning forward slowly and cautiously just in case this wasn’t something Phil wanted, before his lips touched Phil’s. Carefully, deliberately ensuring that he wasn’t going to hurt his lip any further, he took Phil’s bottom lip between his own and he kissed him softly, stroking his cheek with his thumb and feeling Phil relax against him.   
“Didn’t that hurt?” Phil whispered, his breath almost completely taken away by the moment,   
“A bit, yeah,” Dan smiled, “But it was worth it…”   
“Dan, I…” Phil started, looking into Dan’s wide, innocent eyes and seeing right into his soul, if he finished his sentence, it would crush him, “I, uh…”   
“You’re not into guys?” Dan breathed, looking to the ground with a nod, “That’s um, that’s okay. Don’t worry about it, okay?”   
“I don’t know if I am or not… I just don’t know, I’m sorry…”   
“Taking the whole gender thing out of the equation, not thinking about whether you’re into guys or girls or anything else… are you into me?” Dan asked quietly, not really expecting a real answer as he knew how invasive of a question it was.   
“I like you…” Phil answered, to Dan’s complete surprise, as he gently bit his lips and wrung his hands, “I’m just a little bit scared…”   
“Okay,” Dan nodded with a soft smile, “If you, uh, um… if you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me… If you’re comfortable with that, I mean. I know it’s, it’s a weird thing…”   
“Thanks…” Phil smiled, “It’s alright. I trust you.”   
“Thank you,” Dan blushed a little with a slight smile, “Can I ask you something?”   
“Sure,”   
“Did you tell PJ that we kissed?” Dan asked quickly,   
“No…” Phil answered him.   
“If, um, if you want,” the brown haired boy began, shuffling a little, “You can tell PJ. I won’t be upset or anything… He doesn’t have to count as anyone.”

When Phil was 10 years old, he and PJ decided to go on an adventure. They walked through a field of long grass and into a wood-like area, looking up at the trees and spotting the odd rabbit making a dash from bush to bush as it heard their voices moving closer. After about 20 minutes of exploration and laughter, they saw a group of boys from their primary school. Joshua was the one that stuck in Phil’s mind after their encounter. He pushed Phil up against a tree and punched him in the stomach as PJ yelled for them to stop. Joshua rolled his eyes before wandering off with his friends and Phil’s attempts to pick himself up from his knees were futile until PJ wrapped his arm around his waist and hoisted him up with a sympathetic smile. The only reason they’d left PJ alone was because it was pretty common knowledge that Josh’s sister, Ellie, had a crush on him. Phil thanked him and assured his friend that he wasn’t upset because he hadn’t been targeted, he knew that PJ was more popular than himself, and he knew that PJ couldn’t help that. He was interesting, in a good way, he told stories about aliens and pirates, and princesses and explorers… Phil wasn’t like that. He was creative like PJ, just as much so if not more, but he didn’t have the confidence to present his thoughts to the class. They weren’t composed that way PJ’s were. They were different, but they were the same, and that’s just how they liked it. That day was just an example of the ramifications of the two of them being friends; one injured and the other forced to watch as it happened. As PJ lead Phil to the clearing a few big trees away, they both became painfully aware that this was how it was going be, PJ looking out for Phil and making sure that he was okay. PJ didn’t mind. He liked Phil. Phil was his best friend in the entire world, and even seven years later, he would tell people that very same thing. Phil, on the other hand, felt awful for the fact that his friend had to look out for him, protect him, and those seven years later, he wished that PJ could see that sometimes people need to be allowed to make mistakes and to have that dignity of risk.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, guys, I thought I posted this months ago but I saved it as a draft instead! My bad!!! Hopefully the story makes more sense now, like, y'all must've been so confused and missing out on little bits and pieces! I was confused too, honestly, I was wondering why at the top it said I had less chapters that I thought I'd posted! 
> 
> PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!!!!!!

“Phil! You don’t get it!” PJ almost yelled as Phil stood across from him with a devastated look on his face, “He’s not really your friend! He’s bad news, okay?”  
“He’s not… He’s like a puppy, he just has all this energy and doesn’t know what to do with it…” Phil said softly but assertively,  
“You can’t just compare people to adorable animals and think that makes things okay, Phil. He could have killed that guy!” PJ said, his eyes wandering from Phil’s face to the messy, unmade bed behind him. He really wished that Chris would make his bed from time-to-time; he’d be sure to fix that when Phil finally got it through his head that Dan was probably mentally unstable on top of being an irresponsible and unruly disaster of a person.  
“He wouldn’t’ve killed him… Puppies just, they get threatened in some situations and all they know to do to protect themselves is to lash out…” Phil continued to argue.  
“I don’t know what kind of puppies you’ve met, but NORMAL puppies tend to hide behind things and maybe wet themselves,” PJ crossed his arms and looked Phil straight in the eyes,  
“Well maybe Dan, as a human being and not a puppy, got tired of hiding behind things and I’m strongly under the impression that he’s not big on wetting himself either, like any normal guy our age.” 

“Why are you defending him, Phil?!” PJ demanded, “Seriously, I don’t understand. What does he have on you? Did he find your diary and know all your deepest secrets or something?!”  
Phil swallowed the build-up of saliva in his mouth and sort of secretly hoped he’d swallow his tongue too to elude saying something stupid,  
“You know I don’t have a diary, PJ,” he glared at him. “You don’t know him like I do, okay? He’s just, he’s not all bad decisions and intoxication… He’s just a boy like us, except unlike us, he doesn’t have a best friend to have his back. I know you’re trying to help me, Peej, I really do, but I know what I’m doing and it would mean a lot to me if you could at least try to like him because I rea-” Phil coughed slightly to avoid finishing his sentence, “I think he’s a good person in need of a decent friend or two.”  
“I feel like I’m being edged out, Phil…” PJ sighed, stepping backwards and allowing himself to fall butt-first onto his bed, “You and Chris are all buddy-buddy with Dan, and it’s killing me because he’s not a good person! I feel like you’re not telling me anything anymore, like I’m missing something, or many somethings! Phil, I just…”  
“Peej…” Phil breathed, watching the bottom lip of his best friend tremble in front of him. He sat down beside him and put his arm around him, “I’m sorry…”  
“No, don’t be. It’s probably just my imagination getting the better of me,”  
“Actually, no… It’s not. There are things, and there has definitely been some edging,” Phil confessed, “I just… I didn’t- I don’t know how to approach these things, and to be really honest, and I’m not blaming you at all, but you haven’t made it easy… with the whole hatred for Dan thing…”  
“Mmm…” PJ rolled his eyes,”  
“Peej, Please…” Phil sighed, waiting for PJ to acknowledge him before continuing, “Thank you. Look… you’re not entirely wrong about Dan, he does do stupid things and he goes out and gets drunk or high instead of dealing with whatever’s going on in his head, but… he’s a good person. PJ, I really like him…”  
“I get it, you want to be friends with him,” PJ said softly,  
“No, no…” Phil quickly jumped to correct him, “I really like him.”  
“Okay, you guys are friends and I’m not helping by constantly talking about how horrible he is. I get it. I’m sorry, Phil…”  
“No, Peej, you’re not getting it…” he tried to specify, “I like him. As more than a friend. We kissed… a few times now,”  
“You… you what?” PJ asked, slowly pulling his body away from Phil,  
“I’m attracted to, and I really like, Dan…”  
“Phil, I had- I had no idea that you… Why didn’t you tell me you were gay?”  
“Because I didn’t know. I still don’t know. I just… how could I have been expected to express that to you when all you do is tell me how awful he is?” Phil asked, looking down at his knees.  
“I’m sorry…” PJ apologised, “So, um, does this mean you like guys though?”  
“I guess so,” Phil shrugged.  
“So, um… have you ever thought about me like… that?” PJ looked away from Phil very quickly and quietly waited for his answer for a moment before breaking his own silence and speaking again, “Because, Phil, we… we’ve seen each other, like… you know, and we’ve never had a problem being physically close to each other and…. Cuddling?”  
“No, I haven’t thought about you like that. I haven’t thought about anyone like that before, to be honest. That’s why this is freaking me out so much…”  
“So you, you don’t-” PJ started before Phil interrupted him,  
“You’re my best friend, just that, my friend,” he dragged his hand down his face to wipe the anxious tears from his eyes before they fell, “I’m not going to kiss you in the middle of our conversations, or grope you if we’re hanging out and end up just falling sleep together or something. It’s still exactly the same as before, you know?”  
“Okay,” PJ nodded, a slight comforting smile gracing his face, “I really didn’t see this coming though…”  
“Yeah,” Phil chuckled, “Neither did I. If, and I’m not saying we will, Dan and I become a… a thing, will you support me?”  
“Yes. I’ll support you. I promise, and I’ll make an effort, I really will… But, with Dan, he can’t be gay though, right? With all those girls in and out of your room? Wait. Wait. Phil. Please tell me, please, please tell me that you’re not just another person for him to screw, you’re not, right?”  
“He’s bisexual, and I’m not just another screw or something,” Phil darted his eyes from feature to feature on PJ’s face, searching for the slightest hint of false-concern,  
“Are you sure?” he asked him, “How do you know?”  
“Because we kissed, and it was sweet, and nice, and I’m not just going to be some other person for him to mess around with… I’m not going to sleep with him. That’s already too much for me to think about, I’m still trying to get my head around kissing him…” Phil let out a deep breath, “And really, I think that maybe, just maybe, he feels something for me too.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Dan leisurely strolled through the deserted corridors, embracing the aloneness and enjoying the muffled sounds of the teachers in the classrooms he walked past. He was meant to be in Geography. He hated geography. He didn’t care about maps and mountains, but if he was being honest, he was mostly just bored by his teacher. He took a left and found himself in a part of the school he hadn’t been to before, the hall wasn’t lit and the classrooms were empty; he guessed this part wasn’t really used all too much anymore. He headed for the last door in the corridor and tried the handle; locked. He retraced his steps back to the next closest door and tried that one, he pushed the door open with a little too much force and stumbled inside, looking around for a moment before closing the door behind him. It looked like a slightly less modern classroom, just a little dusty and stale. Dan moved to the back of the room and slid down the wall, taking in the peace and quiet and taking out his little black, plastic box, opening it and taking out his little silver razor. He fumbled in his attempt to close it again and watched as his “emergency cigarette” rolled down his leg and onto the floor, he quickly picked it up again and replaced safely back in its place before laying the box on the ground beside him. He eagerly pushed up his sleeve, his impatience and crazy desire to feel the sting of the cut growing stronger. He flipped the razor between his fingers and decided that today wasn’t good day.   
Earlier that morning when he and Phil were getting ready, must to Dan’s distaste as he would have much preferred to sleep until noon, a wave of helplessness and depression swept over him, putting him in a down mood before his day had even begun.   
“Dan? You okay?” Phil had asked him, noticing the lack of smile on his face and his lack of motivation to continue with putting on his second shoe.   
“Huh?”   
“Are you alright?” Phil asked him again, genuinely concerned about Dan’s state and wellbeing,   
“Yeah, yeah… I’m fine. Guess I’m still a little out of it,” Dan lied,   
“Still? What do you mean?” Phil asked, stumbling a bit as he pulled on his sock. Dan couldn’t help but notice that it was a completely different colour and pattern to the other one,   
“Yeah, I took some stuff last night,” Dan said, forcing himself to sound convincingly happy.   
“Oh… What did- what was it?”   
“Just some E,” Dan nodded to him, slipping on his other shoe and waving as he walked out the door, “See ya later.” 

Dan could feel the coolness of the bricks through his long sleeved shirt as he sat up against the wall, blade pressed against his skin and little baubles of blood starting to appear on his wrist where he had lightly brushed the sharp metal across the skin. He ran the blade over it again, this time pressing deeper, harder into the flesh, and watching his veins cry out thick, red tears of pain. He did it again, and again, moving his joint in a circular motion to really feel the effects of his handy work, almost enjoying the sickening feeling he got from watching himself suffer. He didn’t know what it was in his brain that allowed him to do this to himself. It wasn’t normal. He rolled up his other sleeve and copied his exact movements of the blade, symmetry was important to Dan. If he accidentally cut too deep or severed an artery, there was no doubt in his mind that he would not hesitate to quickly do the same to the other arm, probably killing himself in the process – at least it’d be even. He held his arms out and admired what he’d done to himself, watching the metallic substance leak from his veins and stain red spots on the old carpet, only feeling a little bit dizzy, but he assumed it was from the rush of adrenalin that often accompanied his self-harm. That would also explain the shaking. He planted his palms on the floor, feeling the blood drip down toward the carpet as he held his little black box in his hand, and stood up, almost instantly falling back onto the floor again and dropping the box beside him on the floor. Maybe he’d gone a little overboard this time. 

“Hey, PJ,” the friendly boy next to him spoke to grab his attention, “Isn’t that that Dan guy that lives next to you?” PJ looked from the boy’s freckled face and out the classroom window into the hall just in time to see Dan’s figure sulk past,   
“Yeah, actually,” he replied, his focus not returning to his classmate,   
“Isn’t he in this class?” he continued to ask. PJ nodded,   
“Yeah…” he said quietly, his hand shooting up into the air, “Miss, can I go to the bathroom?”   
With that, PJ was out in the hallway in about 30 seconds, still about a minute and a half behind Dan. He followed the hallway in the direction Dan had walked off in, checking down each of the three unused corridors in that wing of the building. He must’ve gotten into one of the old classrooms. PJ didn’t know why he was looking for Dan, perhaps it was concern because he didn’t look like his usual confident, jerk-like self, or maybe it was just to reprimand him for not showing up to class. Maybe he just wanted to talk to him after what Phil had said about liking him, and kissing him, and maybe PJ wanted to see if Dan was serious about Phil, if Dan respected, liked and was good enough for Phil… He turned down one of the older hallways, trying each of the doors, only two out of eight opened. He tried the next hallway and was greeted with a similar result and still no Dan, so he tried to final one. Trying the handle of each of the doors until he got to the one the second from the end of the corridor and turned the knob, the door swinging open to reveal Dan, his arms bleeding as he fell back against the wall and down to the ground, something black that PJ had seen once before slipping from his loose grasp. 

“Dan!” he gasped, running from the door and allowing it to close shut on its own as he moved swiftly to Dan’s side, “Oh my god… What’ve you done?”   
“No, PJ, it’s nothing!” Dan tried to hide his wounds despite it being very obvious that PJ had seen them. PJ grabbed Dan’s right wrist and looked at the oozing wounds, the blood beginning to make the fabric of Dan’s sleeve stick to his cuts.   
“What were you trying to do!?” PJ exclaimed, shaking his head, his eyes darting around wildly as he tried to figure out what to do.   
“Nothing,” Dan tried to assure him to no avail, “Please, calm down. Its fine,”   
“It’s not nothing!” he attempted to keep himself from yelling, “We need to… we need to call an ambulance!”   
“No, no, no! We don’t need to do that, okay? This is fine, I do it all the time,” Dan quickly covered his mouth, realising what he’d said, “I mean-”   
“Is this- Did you do this because… because of me? Because I was horrible to you? I’m so sorry, Dan. I didn’t know that you would do this, I’m so sorry, I thought… I don’t know what I thought, but Dan, ok, just… were you trying to kill yourself?” PJ babbled a little before finally getting out the question,   
“No! No! It’s uh, it’s the wrong way for that, see?” Dan gestured to his wrists, “Calm down, okay? I’m fine and it looks worse than it is.”   
“How long have you been doing this?” PJ asked, taking in a big breath to calm himself as per Dan’s instructions,   
“Years, PJ. It’s not because of you, don’t worry,”   
“What do I do? How do I help? I don’t know what to do…” PJ pleaded, trying to keep his breathing under control.   
“Just let me get up, and I’ll go to my room and clean it all up, and then it’ll be fine, alright?” Dan suggested, watching PJ nod shakily.   
“Can I- Can I walk you there? Should we get help? I think we need help… This isn’t okay, this isn’t healthy, Dan…” he breathed, still in shock,   
“Don’t worry about that, alright? I’m getting help, I’m seeing a professional,” Dan lied as he pulled himself to his feet and shoved the little box into his pocket, hoping PJ wouldn’t notice.   
“What’s that box?” he asked, despite Dan’s attempt at discretion, “I’ve seen it before… Chris wouldn’t talk about it,”   
“That’s because Chris knows what is and isn’t his business to discuss with other people,” Dan said, feeling dizzy again and feeling his body lean against the wall for support. He’d lost more blood than anticipated. PJ wrapped his arm around Dan’s waist and lead him from the old, musty classroom and soon they were outside Dan’s room.   
“Do you need help cleaning up, or um… with anything?” PJ asked quietly, his arm unwavering from Dan’s pale, frail form.   
“No, PJ… Don’t worry about it, okay? Just don’t tell anyone, please…” Dan whispered. 

PJ pulled him in closer for a hug, not knowing what else to do before he had to let go and release Dan into his room. PJ broke from the embrace pretty quickly, his arm still around Dan for support, when they heard a voice,   
“Dan? Peej?” Phil asked as he approached, “What’s um, what’s going on?”   
“Oh! I decided to take what you said about how I’ve been acting toward Dan and, well, you know, get to know him!” PJ lied, very poorly too.   
“Dan, is this true?” Phil asked his roommate, sensing something was aloof,   
“Not in the slightest,” Dan smirked.   
“Yes, it is! I came looking for you and everything when I saw you walk past my class!” PJ argued, “I was well intentioned!”   
“This is what I expect from you guys,” Phil looked a bit entertained until he looked down at Dan’s hand, noticing the dried blood and letting out a sigh, “Oh, Dan…”   
“Phil, I…” Dan didn’t know what to say, he knew Phil had noticed.   
“Peej, it’s alright… I’ll take him, yeah?” Phil’s arm replaced PJ’s and PJ looked at him strangely,   
“You knew?” he asked, surprised,   
“Yeah, he sort of caught me… I was careless and stupid… Thanks for the solidarity there, though,” Dan smiled at him, “You weren’t even going to tell him, that’s really something. Thank you.” PJ nodded and Phil shot him a meaningful look, telling him they’d talk later.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Phil lead Dan by the waist into their bedroom, Phil seating Dan on his bed of black, white and grey, before heading into the bathroom to grab what he could to clean him up.   
“I think you need help,” Phil whispered, cleaning his cuts, “You can’t do this to yourself anymore,”   
“I’m sorry…” Dan whimpered,   
“I’m worried,” Phil told him, “I care about you and I want you to be okay… What if you cut too deep and you… you die?”   
“That won’t happen, it’s all controlled,”   
“There’s nothing controlled about this, Dan. You’re quite literally out of control,” Phil informed him sternly, earning a self-pitying look from the boy in front of him.   
“Do you hate me?” Dan asked quietly, watching Phil’s hand as he cleaned his arms up for him.   
“What?” Phil looked up to his face and noticed he wasn’t looking at him, “No, of course not… I’m just really scared, Dan…”   
“I hate all of it,” he whispered to Phil, “I hate everything.”   
“I’m sorry…” Phil whispered back, “Can I ask you something?”   
“Okay,” Dan nodded gently, hoping it wouldn’t be something that ended in an argument. He couldn’t deal with an argument right now, and he had a feeling that it would end with him saying something stupid that he would regret for all of eternity.   
“Alright… I’m not gonna ask why you do it, I know that’s a complicated question that’s really hard to answer, so I’m not going to make you try to tell me, but, what triggered it today? Why did you feel the need to do it, specifically, today?” Phil asked. Dan swallowed and looked up at Phil’s innocent, helpful face,   
“I don’t know…” he breathed, “I just felt bad, and like… down…”   
“Did I do something?” Phil asked, wrapping a small bandage around Dan’s right wrist to protect the cuts from the elements.   
“Phil, no…”   
“I don’t know how to help you…” he whispered, biting his lip to stop himself from crying, “I know you do this a lot, and I’m not sure how to handle it all. Do I take away anything you could use to hurt yourself, or will that make it worse, will you just go and find more? I don’t know…”   
“I’m so sorry I’ve put you through this… You don’t have to do anything, really…” Dan assured him, looking him in his wide, blue eyes.   
“I can’t not doing anything,” he whined, wrapping Dan’s left wrist in the second bandage,   
“You’re doing lots,” Dan held up his finely bandaged right arm, “See? And you’re so nice to me, Phil… You’re helping me just by treating me how you do, and you’ve helped me by showing you care, and you’ve helped me by introducing me to someone else that I can call my friend. I’m starting to understand where you’re coming from… Phil, are you okay?”   
“Yeah…” He said quietly, “Yeah, I’m fine.”   
“You look like you’re trying not to cry,” Dan held Phil’s chin up with two fingers so that he couldn’t look away and deny it, “I’m sorry that you became a part of this,”   
“Please don’t die,” Phil whimpered, unable to stop the string of words flowing from his mouth as the tears that stung his eyes finally broke free and began to fall through his eyelashes. Dan moved Phil’s now shaking hand from his bandaged wrist and fastened it himself before sliding from the bed and onto his knees, the same position as Phil, on the floor, taking him in a hug and feeling Phil’s sobs against his shoulder. Dan rubbed his back soothingly and pressed his cheek against the side of Phil’s face, “Dan, you shouldn’t be comforting me, I should be comforting you. This is so stupid…”   
“It’s not stupid, I’d be worried if you didn’t react like this, to be honest,” Dan assured him, squeezing him tighter, “You’re a good person, Phil. You don’t need to worry about people like me, but you do anyway. You’re such an incredible person…”   
“I really like you, Dan…” Phil said, looking at his face and taking in all the details. He had a few light freckles, a healing scab on his lip, and his dimple concaved as he began to smile at him, soon Phil felt the effects of the contagious expression and smiled back. Dan swiped his thumb across Phil’s cheek, wiping away the tears,   
“I really like you too,” Dan breathed, snatching Phil back up into his arms, “No one’s ever been as nice to me as you are…”   
“Dan,” Phil broke away softly, “What happened with PJ?”   
“I don’t know, I guess he saw me and looked for me and when he found me…”   
“Was he okay?” Phil asked hesitantly, “I mean… it’s an utterly terrifying experience seeing someone like that...”   
“I don’t know, he was a little freaked out. He blamed himself, which is totally normal, but then he took me home,” Dan explained.   
“Are you gonna be okay if I go and check on him?” Phil asked, Dan nodded and watched Phil slowly stand up and mouth, “Thank you” as he walked out the door. 

“Peej?” Phil asked, letting himself into his room, “Are you okay?”   
“Phil?” Chris asked, walking to greet him, “PJ said he had to go out somewhere, what’s up?”   
“Do you know where he went?”   
“I haven’t the foggiest. What happened, is everything okay?” Chris lead him into the room properly,   
“He walked in on Dan, um… after he hurt himself…” Phil said, unsure of how to phrase what happened without it sounding too blunt, or vulgar.   
“Oh no…” Chris breathed, “That would explain why he was so… weird and quiet,”   
“Do you think that he’ll be okay? Oh god, he’s not going to be okay… Chris!” Phil paced back and forth, “Chris, he’s probably so freaked out!”   
“What about you, Phil? Are you not freaked out? Look at you, your eyes are red and puffy, and you’re pacing, and generally freaking out,” Chris pointed out, causing Phil to stop where he was.   
“I’m fine,” he said, “I just need to find PJ. Will you help me find him? Please? I need to talk to him…”   
“Phil, you’re clearly not okay right now. Just go to bed, okay? Look after yourself, look after Dan. I’ll look for PJ, it’s Friday night so it’s better if I go, yeah?” Chris insisted. Phil almost sprung to argue, but hesitated, allowing Chris one last chance to convince him peacefully, “Don’t you think Dan needs someone right now too?”   
“You’re right…” Phil said, “Promise to text me if you find him or if something happens?” Chris nodded and Phil let himself out, soon greeted with the site of Dan smoking by the open bedroom window. 

“Really?” Phil raised an eyebrow,   
“Sorry, I can put it out if you w-” Dan began before Phil interrupted,   
“No, go ahead,” Phil said, sitting down on his bed. Dan exhaled the smoke from his lungs and the two of them quietly watched the grey substance waft out the window, so disappearing against the equally grey sky as it dispersed to join the atmosphere outside. “When you’re done, do you want to join me?” Phil asked, pulling the covers over himself as the cold from the open window started to bite,   
“What? Like, um…” Dan asked, flicking the cigarette butt out the window and fastening it closed.   
“It’s comforting, and I think we both need comforting right now,” he said, Dan looked at his face and could tell immediately that he was still very much worried, “Unless you…”   
“No, no! I do, yes, I will,” Dan answered hurriedly, “What time is it?”   
“Barely half five,” Phil chuckled quietly, “I’ve got an alarm set for dinner,” Dan smiled and climbed in next to him, their faces just two inches apart,   
“This is strange,” Dan laughed, slipping his arm around Phil’s waist, “but I like it. You smell like strawberries,”   
“I like it too,” Phil pressed his forehead against Dan’s and his eyes fluttered shut, “You smell like Lynx,” he laughed,   
“Lynx has more than one scent, Phil,” Dan laughed back,   
“I can’t tell them apart!” he complained, “Is this the one that gets you all the ladies?” Phil winked,   
“It got me invited into your bed, didn’t it?” Dan joked back, watching the black haired boy grin.   
“I wish I could kiss you, but I don’t want to hurt your lip…” Phil whispered, he felt warm and sleepy and more than anything he wanted to stay curled up with Dan forever. It was an unfamiliar feeling for him, he’d never felt like this about a person before; he knew it wasn’t love, but it was affection, and adoration, and a desire for Dan to feel the same way. He liked him.   
“You want to kiss me?” Dan smiled, watching Phil’s eyes flutter open and blink a few times,   
“Yeah… I hope that’s okay,” he replied, feeling the butterflied dance in his stomach.   
“It’s very okay,” Dan leaned in and gently placed his lips against Phil’s, testing to make sure that Phil was comfortable with his action and also that his lip didn’t hurt too much. Phil leaned right into the kiss with him and Dan decided that the pain in his lip was not going to be a problem, so he pulled Phil closer with the hand around his waist and placed his free hand on Phil’s cheek. Phil sighed into the kiss and Dan licked the inside of Phil’s mouth, suddenly they were kissing passionately, their tongues eagerly exploring each other’s mouths, their hands just as eagerly exploring each other’s torso’s, neither confident enough in their friendship, or whatever this was, to venture too far.   
“Dan?” Phil asked between kisses, “Is it okay if we don’t go further than this?”   
“Hmm? Oh, yeah, that’s fine,” Dan flashed him a smile and Phil traced over his dimple with his thumb before Dan leaned in and kissed Phil’s cheek before settling into the bed beside Phil, “This is nice, Phil,” he said, the present smile on his face starting to hurt the muscles in his cheeks, “Can I keep you?”


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

“PJ, where the hell are you? – Chris”   
Chris watched the screen of his phone as he walked down the dark street, the cold air burning his sinuses. He sort of wished that he’d let Phil come out here to search for PJ, but at the same time he knew that this was probably the better plan. Phil. That was it! PJ would respond to anything about Phil! But what could he say to stir a response from PJ without freaking him out too much…   
“It’s an emergency… Phil’s not waking up. – Chris”   
He hit send and read it again, admittedly, he thought, he could have chosen something less traumatising. Whoops. He stopped under a lamppost and looked around, completely and utterly unsure of where the hell PJ might’ve gone, and then his phone vibrated in his hands,   
“What happened?! Is he okay?! Where are you guys?! – Peej”   
Ha! A response!   
“Where are you right now? – Chris”   
He knew he’d avoided PJ’s questions, but he knew that he was now the one in power in this text conversation,   
“The park, the one about 4 blocks from the school. Why? – Peej”   
“Stay there. – Chris”   
“What? Why? What about Phil? Is Phil okay? – Peej”   
“STAY. – Chris” 

Chris knew exactly where PJ was and headed straight there, entering through the walkway in the surrounding fence he could immediately see the outline of PJ sitting in the cricket nets in the dark. He slowly made his way down the steep little hill and to the entrance of the particular set of nets that PJ had seated himself in.   
“You know,” Chris began, “If some crazy murderer came at you, you’d be completely trapped in here. You’d be dead.”   
“Oh well,” PJ replied, not moving. Chris moved over to him and sat beside him, crossing his legs,   
“Why would you say that?” Chris asked, “That’s not the usual PJ-attitude.”   
“The what?” he asked, totally unimpressed,   
“Never mind,”   
“Is Phil okay? Where is he?” PJ asked him, his eyes wide and filled with so much anxiety that he could spot it from where he was standing.   
“Phil’s fine, I just didn’t know how to find you. Sorry. Phil told me what happened, you don’t look like you’re dealing with that all too well…” Chris steered the conversation right to the point.   
“He told you about Dan?” PJ lifted his head to look at his friend,   
“I knew about Dan long before Phil did…”   
“Did everyone know but me?!” PJ cried out, “I fucking walked in on him bleeding like absolute fucking crazy and no one had thought to, I don’t know, maybe warn me?!”   
“It’s not like that, Peej… We both found out through little incidents like yours today,” Chris told him.   
“How did you find out?” he asked, expecting a real answer,   
“I suspected it, and so I asked,” Chris shrugged.   
“And what? He just came out and said it?”   
“I made him show me his wrists.”   
“Oh my god, how could I have not picked up on that?!” PJ asked himself, slamming the palm of his hand against his forehead,   
“Picked up on what, exactly?” Chris knew exactly what he was talking about. Chris knew all too well, he did exactly the same, he just prayed in silence that PJ wouldn’t notice this shared trait.   
“He only ever wears long sleeves!” PJ turned to him quickly, “Chris!”   
“Yes..?”   
“How didn’t I notice?!” PJ asked him desperately, “It seemed so normal, but it really wasn’t! Lots of people wear long sleeves, but no one wears them every day except Dan… and… and you.” Chris looked away but could still feel PJ’s eyes on him, “Oh my god… Chris…”   
“What?” Chris played ignorant, “Oh! PJ, no!” He laughed, “I’m just allergic to fashion and good taste,” he poked out his tongue as he continued to chuckle.   
“Prove it,” PJ demanded, turning his entire body to trap Chris in the back corner of the net the way that Chris had imagined a murderer doing in an attempt to kill PJ.   
“Peej, I don’t hurt myself,” Chris laughed, suddenly feeling small and powerless,   
“Okay, show me your wrists then,”   
“What? PJ, no!” Chris shook his head and backed himself further into the corners of the metal netting. 

“Is this a thing? Was I the only one that didn’t know about Dan because I’m the only one in our little group that doesn’t do it?!” PJ demanded, his voice shaking, “Is Phil doing this too!? Is it what you guys all do when I’m not around?!”  
“Peej… No…” Chris whispered,   
“Show me your goddamn wrists!” PJ shouted this time and Chris looked around the deserted park as his eyes watered. He let his arms flop down onto his legs, and as the tears started to fall Chris pushed up his sleeves, revealing the mixture of cuts, healing scabs, scars and slashes. PJ looked at him softly, “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t’ve yelled…”   
“No, it’s okay… You’ve had an awful day. I’m sorry,”   
“Does Phil…?” He hesitated to ask, Chris shook his head to answer his question before he finished it. Suddenly PJ found himself in the same position as he was in with Dan earlier, “Chris, what can I do? How can I help you?”   
“I’m fine, okay? Don’t worry about me because I’m talking to someone about it, alright?” He technically wasn’t lying. He talked to Dan about it, and he was talking to PJ about it right now.   
“I love you, Chris. You’re one of my best friends, and this isn’t okay… I’m scared for you,” PJ told him, trying to remain calm to aid in Chris in doing the same now that the abrupt tears as stopped.   
“I love you too, but I promise it’s something I’m working on,” Chris nodded,   
“How long has this been going on?”   
“About… a year and a half,” he confessed quietly. PJ swallowed and took his hand, helping him to stand up before wrapping his arms around Chris’s body.   
“This can’t end up like Jonathon…” PJ whispered. Chris nodded again,   
“I promise it won’t. I won’t do that. I won’t do that to you or Phil, I promise,” Chris replied. “Phil doesn’t know about this… I don’t think he should, he’s already so worried about Dan, and his feelings for Dan, and literally anything to do with Dan,” he laughed a little.   
“He really likes him,” PJ said, noticing Chris trying to lighten the mood, “I had no idea…”   
“I did,” Chris laughed, beginning to lead them back to the school, “I looked at his search history,”   
“You didn’t!” PJ looked at him with wide eyes, “Oh my god. Do I just not notice anything?”   
“Pretty much,” Chris smirked as he bumped him with his hip as they walked back to the school. 

They approached the door to their room, Chris pulled out his phone and stopped when he saw the screen. PJ, looked at him with a confused expression and waited for a response. Chris flipped his phone around and showed him the list of missed calls from Phil.   
“I told him to go to bed and stop worrying after he called me when we missed dinner,” Chris said, “Apparently he can’t follow instructions” he continued with a laugh, typing the code into the panel by the door. He pushed it open and walked into the main part of the bedroom and stopped again, this time he was in front of PJ, whom didn’t notice his lack of movement and walked straight into him. Chris turned around and put a finger to his lips, telling him to stay quiet,   
“Is that Phil?” PJ whispered, peering around Chris’s body to get a better look, “Yep, definitely Phil. I’ll wake him up and see what’s up,” PJ smiled, feeling a since of normalcy return simply by checking on his best friend. Chris nodded and headed back out the door, to investigate Dan. 

“Phil. Phil. Phil. Phil. Phil. Phil. Phil. Phil. Phil” PJ repeated over and over until Phil responded and his name didn’t even sound like a word anymore.   
“Peej?” Phil opened his eyes and saw his best friend, “Peej! I hi-jacked your bed!”   
“I noticed,” he laughed, “What brings you to my humble abode?”   
“I’m sorry,” Phil smiled, “I just… I don’t know,” he shrugged.   
“Aw, honey, did you miss me?” PJ joked, getting undressed to put on his pyjamas,   
“That’s definitely it,” Phil laughed before becoming a little more serious, “No, um, I was worried about you after what happened with Dan.”   
“I’m okay,” PJ nodded, crawling around Phil and into his bed as Phil moved over, “It was all just very confronting, I’m fine now though,”   
“Good, good… I’m sorry you had to see that, you shouldn’t have had to experience that. Dan’s really sorry as well, he feels so bad,”   
“It’s alright, he didn’t force the spectacle on me, I followed him and tracked him down… it was my own fault,” Peej admitted.   
“Why were you looking for him?” Phil asked, repositioning himself to look at PJ,   
“I wanted to talk about the things you told me… He’s important to you, so he’s important to me,” he smiled a little. “Can I ask you to do something for me?”   
“Of course, what’s up?” Phil asked,   
“If you ever, and I mean EVER, feel like you’re going to do something not safe, like hurt yourself, or damage your body, or ANYTHING, promise me you’re come to me first? No matter what?”   
“I promise,” Phil nodded solemnly before PJ pulled him down into a strong embrace.   
“Thank you,” PJ released his thin form from the hug and continued, “Now go to bed before tell all your secrets to the world,”   
“Okay,” Phil laughed, “Good night,” he said, walking out the door and turning into his own room. 

“Chris woke you up?” Phil asked, noticing Dan sitting on his ankles and very much awake,   
“I woke up the second you left,” Dan admitted, “You were warm and suddenly you were gone.”   
“Sorry,” Phil smiled, signing with his hands for Dan to get back under the green and blue covers. Dan smiled back and tucked himself in as he waited for Phil to join him. He wasn’t sure why, but the feeling he got when he was close to Phil was one he’d never felt before. He felt safe, comfortable, warm, and cared about, it was an incredible combination and now that he’d experienced it, he yearned to feel it all the time.   
“This is the first Friday night in a while that I haven’t gone off to do stupid things with stupid people,” he said as Phil turned off the light and made his way to the bed, “I like this better.”   
“Good,” Phil whispered, getting comfortable against Dan, feeling his arm slide around his waist, “Good night, Daniel.”   
“Good night, Philip,” Dan giggled, leaning in to kiss Phil gently before closing his eyes and soon nodding off to sleep. Phil stayed awake, emerging himself in Dan’s embrace, his presence, his safety. As long as Dan was in Phil’s arms, he was safe and he was okay.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Saturday morning hit Dan in the face like a truck driving at full-speed. Followed by the rest of the convoy. He was unusually tired despite getting a decent amount of sleep and having spent a responsible night in, so when he opened his eyes and felt the sunshine burning directly into his brain, he was rightly confused. He let out a quiet grunt of pain and wiggled away from Phil, pushing himself up against the wall in some sort of hope that it would make the pain disappear.   
“Dan, what’s wrong?” Phil asked, slightly worried, his caring tone penetrating his fortress of morning confusion,   
“Nothing,” he mumbled, “I’m fine,”   
“Are you sure? Did I do something?” Phil rolled over, finding himself greeted with the back of Dan’s head.   
“No, you didn’t do anything, my head hurts…” he whispered to the white plaster,   
“Do you want water, or pain killers, or something?” Phil placed his hand on Dan’s shoulder, turning him to face him a little more,   
“I want someone to extinguish the sun,” he grumbled.   
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, think of the plants and the flowers,” Phil smiled, “But if you insist, I can arrange for someone to destroy all life on earth by extinguishing the sun.”   
“Sorry…”   
“I’ll grab you something, okay?” Phil slid out of the bed and wandered over to search through his bottom drawer,   
“You don’t normally help me when my head is gonna explode,” Dan pointed out, sitting up in the nest of bedding.   
“It’s normally self-inflicted,” Phil pointed out, handing Dan the pills and walking into the bathroom to fill up a glass for him. When he came back, he handed Dan the water and watched him swallow the pain killers and the water,   
“You’re right,” he tilted his head, “Thank you for that…” Phil settled down beside him and put an arm around his waist. Dan’s head lolled onto Phil’s shoulder, and he let out a deep, contented sigh, “Phil?”   
“Yeah?”   
“Would you like… um, do you want to…. No, uh,” Dan faltered, “Will you- no… would you want to, I don’t know, um, maybe be, like… a thing?”   
“Maybe be like a thing?” Phil repeated, knowing very well where Dan was trying to take his question but he was still very sceptical.   
“I really like you, Phil…” Dan whispered shyly, “I would kinda like it if I could call you my boyfriend, if that’s okay with you?”   
“Yeah… I’d like that too…” Phil smiled a nervous smile, “As long as you realise that that means no more random girls in our room,” he laughed. Dan laughed with him and nodded, instilling a little more confidence in Phil; they were both happy. Dan took he head off Phil’s shoulder and turned Phil’s face to meet him,   
“You’re so incredible,” he breathed, moving his face closer to Phil’s and kissing him passionately with a grin on his face.   
“How’s your headache?” Phil asked with a smirk plastered on his face as he pulled away from Dan’s kiss,   
“It’s a lot better now, thanks,” Dan said contently. Phil felt Dan’s smaller body curl into his own, breathing happily and steadily. Maybe he was going to be okay, Phil thought, maybe this meant that he would figure out that there’s more to life that damaging himself. 

“Morning Dan,” Chris greeted from the table as Dan wandered over with his plate of toast, eggs and bacon. Dan hesitated for a moment before sitting with Chris and PJ, smiling at the greeting but otherwise remaining quiet as he got himself comfortable.   
“Where’s Phil?” PJ spoke up, looking Dan in the eye with a friendly expression, which was pretty strange for Peej, but Dan assumed that it had something to do with the day before.   
“Oh, he um…” Dan began to answer when he mind went blank, “He uh, said he was going to do a- um, a… something.”   
“Smooth,” Chris chimed in, poking fun at his strange uncomfortableness,   
“I think he said he would meet us in here…” Dan murmured to the group.   
“Is everything okay? You seem a bit… off?” Chris asked with a mouthful of toast,   
“I woke up with a weird headache,” he told him,   
“Do you want pain killers or anything?”   
“Nah, it’s alright. Phil forced some on me already,” Dan laughed. Chris raised his eyebrows with a smirk,   
“You and Phil, ay?” he winked with a laugh. PJ elbowed his arm and Chris turned to look at him, “What? It’s young love, Peej! You gotta be on board with young love!”   
“You’re gonna get his hopes up or something,” PJ said, pushing his empty plate a few inches further away from himself,   
“But Peej,” Chris complained, dragging out the vowel, “I want them to be together!” He turned to Dan and looked at him across the table, “Make it happen,” he nodded with a laugh.   
“Chris!” PJ elbowed him again before turning to Dan as well, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, just ignore him. He’s clown. The scary kind that children are terrified of.”   
“Actually,” Dan piped up, amused at the conversation going on before him, “…It kinda already has happened, is happening, I mean…”   
“WHAT?!” Chris stood up, his chair dragging along the floor and making a loud noise as Chris shouted excitedly, drawing the attention, if only for a moment, of everyone in the room. He sat back down and cleared his throat comically, “When did this happen?!”   
“This morning,” Dan smiled, PJ smiled back at him while Chris babbled about making wedding preparations.   
“I’m thinking beige napkins, what do you think?” Dan heard Chris ask as he snapped out of the silent conversation with PJ,   
“Uh…” he started, unsure of what to say.   
“You’re scaring him, Chris,” PJ chuckled, and Dan swore it was one of the first times things felt natural and light with PJ rather than forced or uncomfortable. He liked it. He liked PJ, he thought. He cared about Phil and Chris, and that was admirable in Dan’s opinion. He was jolted from his thoughts by the feeling of vibrations in his pocket and he pulled out his phone, excusing himself from the conversation with a quick look. He unlocked his phone and opened his messages, spotting his new one from Phil,   
“I may or may not be in A&E right now… – Phil”  
“Uh, Guys?” Dan spoke, capturing the attention of PJ and Chris, “I’m not all that familiar yet, but um, Phil and jokes?”   
“They’re usually pretty easy to spot, mostly because they’re so obvious, or so terrible that they’re funny again,” Chris answered.   
“Phil and comedy don’t tend to be a common mixture,” PJ continued, “Why?”   
“Okay then, that’ll settle it then. Phil’s at the hospital,” Dan said, typing out a quick reply,   
“Not again…” PJ whispered to himself, barely loud enough for either of the other boys to hear.   
“What happened?! – Dan”   
“I don’t want to get into it... – Phil”   
“Are you okay? – Dan”   
“I’ll be fine. Do you know why PJ and Chris aren’t answering? – Phil” 

“Dan?” PJ asked, “Dan? What happened?”   
“He said he doesn’t want to talk about it… He said you guys aren’t answering your phones?” he replied, looking up from his phone for a moment,   
“Fuck. I left mine in the bathroom,” Chris said quietly, turning to PJ, “Did you charge yours last night?”  
“No… I was distracted last night before I went to sleep…” PJ admitted.   
“Ironically, the reason you’re not answering Phil is because he was in your bed last night,” Chris laughed, “Sounds about right.”   
“Shut up, Chris,” PJ shot him a glare and turned to give an apologetic glace to Dan.   
“Because apparently PJ was distracted by you in his bed last night (?????), and Chris is a moron. Can I/we come see you? – Dan”   
“Don’t worry about that, it’s nothing. If you want, you can, but it’s not pretty... – Phil”


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Dan walked in time with Chris’s steps, the two of them not too far behind PJ whom pretty much took the lead straight away as they began walking toward the hospital about ten minutes earlier. He certainly was determined. PJ obviously knew what was going on, he’d practically said so when they were at breakfast, but Dan wasn’t sure if Chris knew too.  
“Stop scratching,” Chris’s voice broke their air between them, Dan looked down at his arms, realising that he had been scratching at the cuts his right wrist. Whoops.  
“Sorry,” he separated his arms and took in a deep breath, “Do you know what’s going on?”  
“Yeah…” he breathed, looking at Dan, “I’m not surprised that Phil didn’t tell you, he doesn’t like to talk about it because he thinks it’s embarrassing.”  
“What’s uh- what’s wrong?” Dan dared to ask,  
“Phil gets anxiety attacks,” Chris said, “You know how sometimes you’re laughing really hard and then you can’t breathe?” Dan nodded and Chris continued, “And you know how when it gets to that point, your body forces the action, the laughter, to stop so that you can breathe? That’s a thing that everyone has built into their brain, and, well, sometimes when Phil’s having an anxiety attack and he’s dizzy, and shaking, and can’t breathe, among whatever else is going on, his brain doesn’t force it to stop, so he can’t breathe and he passes out. There are other things too, I think, but I don’t know much about any of that, he doesn’t always know what’s going to trigger them either. He usually talks to PJ if he’s having one, or after he’s had one, they’re not all bad enough for someone to call an ambulance, but…”  
“But?” Dan asked, his mind trying to add this to his list of things he knew about Phil, but it just didn’t seem to fit.  
“But sometimes they are. Sometimes he passes out, sometimes when someone is being an absolute twat to him, the anxiety attack starts up and he can’t control it, so they take advantage of it…” Chris told him, a touch of sadness in the tone of his voice, “I guess we’re not gonna know which it is until we get there, huh?”  
“He said it’s not pretty… Could that- would that mean that, like, someone’s…?” Dan struggled to ask,  
“It could be either, like I said. Phil tends to describe his appearance as horrible right after an attack regardless of whether or not someone’s added to situation,” Chris tried to instil a little confidence in Dan, trying to remind him that there was hope that was going to be okay. 

“Phil?” PJ grabbed the attention of the boy in the emergency department bed after he had finally been let through to see Phil. Chris and Dan were asked to stay in the waiting room until a nurse spoke to Phil to make sure he was up to having more than one person visit him in his little curtained off section of the noisy department.  
“Hey, Peej,” Phil smiled weakly to him, obviously embarrassed by the entire situation,  
“You’re still shaking? Oh god, your jaw too. Your teeth are chattering!” PJ began to say seriously but his statement ended in a laugh, “Chris and Dan are here too, but they have to wait until a nurse verifies with you that you want them here.”  
“My nurse said she’d be back soon, so they shouldn’t have to wait too long,” Phil began, “It was a really bad one this time, Peej… I feel so guilty…”  
“What? Why would you feel guilty?” PJ asked, sitting in the small chair by the bed as Phil clenched his jaw to stop the chatter of his teeth.  
“I was with Mr Peters,” he sighed, “And you know Mr Peters, he has a thing for raising his voice and quickly turning a polite conversation into traumatising situation,”  
“He yelled at you?” he asked him, sounding shocked and angry, “But he KNOWS he’s not allowed to confront and yell at you like that!”  
“It just happens sometimes, it doesn’t matter,” Phil defended him, unsure of why he was doing so, as Mr Peters was essentially Satan in teacher form, “It’s not something that’s always going to be on his, or any of the other teacher’s, minds…”  
“Phil, he’s been notified that it’s a trigger for you. This isn’t the first time this has happened…” PJ said firmly, reminding Phil of the attack he had as the result of Mr Peters pulling him aside to ‘talk’ to him after one of their lessons several months ago. Phil was so anxious about returning to his class that the only reason he showed up to the class after that was because PJ had talked him into it, and that was after he’d missed three classes.  
“I know…” Phil resigned, “I just… I don’t know…”  
“Why were you with him during breakfast anyway?” PJ asked, changing the subject as he knew how difficult it could be for Phil to put what was going on in his head into words after he’d had an anxiety attack, especially one that landed him in the hospital. He hadn’t had one this bad since before Dan showed up, and the attacks he did have were kept strictly from Dan.  
“I wanted help on that weird thing we were doing in maths for Wednesday’s test… I just don’t understand any of it, and you know how much I hate to ask for help, so if I’m asking for help, you know I’m serious about it… He just started yelling at me and said that if I don’t get it by now, I’m going to fail it on the test…” Phil told him, holding back the tears that were left over from his attack as they threatened to spill over.  
“Oh my god…” PJ whispered before his voice became stern, “Did you pass out in his classroom?”  
“I completely blacked out right there… I guess he’s the one that called the ambulance. Apparently he couldn’t shake me awake or something, which, if we’re being honest, probably wouldn’t have helped,” he explained to his green-eyed best friend.  
“That means the school has to file a report! That means he’s going to get in trouble for what he did! Which teacher came here with you?” PJ asked,  
“Mr Cambridge again,” he answered, “He’s with the doctor or something doing the forms…”  
“Do you think you’ll be okay for classes tomorrow?” PJ probed. Phil just looked down and soon they both heard the chattering of his teeth pick up again, PJ knew that meant no. 

“Phil!” Dan smiled widely when he saw him. He was glad he and Chris weren’t forced to wait outside too long. Sure, he’d said that PJ should be his first visitor, but he really only did so because of their history and friendship; if Dan had decided to act on his more selfish thoughts, it would have been him in there first, not PJ, but he knew that PJ would probably be best for Phil right now. Despite that, he was sure He quickly made his way to the opposite side of the bed to PJ and leaned down to hug his new boyfriend when Phil looked up at him with wide, puffy eyes and made grabby-hands at him.  
“I’m okay,” Phil whispered into Dan’s ear as he felt his arms around him,  
“You’re shaking…” Dan whispered back, both positive that neither Chris nor PJ could hear them,  
“Yeah, it’ll stop soon,” Phil spoke into Dan’s hair, “We’ll talk about it tonight, okay?” he felt Dan nod against him before slowly pulling away. Dan looked into Phil’s obviously embarrassed and uncomfortable face and smiled at him reassuringly as he took his hand in his own, he could understand why he didn’t want Dan to know, but at the same time, he thought Phil trusted him… Phil knew about his… issues, and of course he understood that that didn’t mean Phil had to hand over his book of deepest-darkest-secrets, but he thought that this would be something he’d tell him about…  
“Hello boys,” a man’s voice greeted the group as they all turned, with the exception on Phil, to face their History teacher, Mr Cambridge, “Daniel?” he seemed confused by the idea that Dan was there too. He didn’t seem at all surprised with the presence of Chris and PJ,  
“Yes, sir?” Dan looked up at him, his hand not leaving Phil’s, if anything, he was squeezing it a little harder.  
“I didn’t know that you were friends wi-” he cut himself off when his eyes caught sight of Dan and Phil’s hands,  
“Um, yeah, sir…” Chris jumped in, “Dan’s been really good friends with all of us for a bit now. You know, trying to keep himself out of trouble and whatever.”  
“That’s good,” their teacher told them. He turned to Phil, obviously eager to gauge whether or not Phil was uncomfortable with the attention Dan was giving him, “You ‘right, Phil?”  
“Yeah,” Phil smiled up at him, jaw still chattering as the adrenalin and generally feeling of anxiety was still residing within him, “Uh, how long until I can leave? I really am fine, I’m awake and responding, see?” he said, waving his arms a little.  
“Soon,” Mr Cambridge laughed, “I finished all the paperwork and we’re just waiting for the doctor’s approval. You must really think I need more practise at paperwork with the amount of times I’ve done this,” he teased with a playful smile.  
“It’s only been four times!” Phil joked back, “It’s not too regular of an occurrence,”  
“You forget that I’m notified by other teachers and the nurses in the clinic whenever you have ones that don’t result in trips to the hospital,” he smiled, “As your form teacher, I get your medical files, I know everything!” Phil sighed with a bit of a chuckle. Dan just looked over to PJ with a confused facial expression. He had no idea that this was something that happened to Phil often enough for him to have medical files… PJ didn’t provide him with any answers, Dan didn’t know how he would do so, but he was still concerned and unable to pay much more attention to the rest of the conversations that went on around him until much later in the day when he was finally alone with Phil again in their room.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, angst, substance abuse and mental health issues (and eventual smut).

“Are you mad at me?” Phil asked very softly as he shut the door behind Dan and himself after saying goodbye to Chris and PJ.   
“What?” Dan asked, looking up at him with a slight look of shock on his face, “Why would I be mad at you?”   
“I don’t know…” Phil looked down as Dan took a seat on Phil’s bed and patted the space beside him, “I should have said something,” he spoke as he sat down next to the brown-eyed boy.   
“It’s okay,” Dan smiled at him, slipping his arm around Phil’s waist and pulling him closer, “I can still feel you shaking... Are you sure you’re okay?”   
“Yeah, I’m fine. Sometimes the whole trembling thing doesn’t stop for a little bit, but usually it’ll have stopped by now. It’s just that… this was sort of a really bad one.”   
“I can tell,” Dan said with an apologetic smile, “I want to ask what it all… but I don’t- I don’t know what to say…”  
“I’ve had panic attacks and anxiety attacks since I was a kid…” Phil told him, his voice just as shaky as his body, “My, um, my dad used to yell at me a lot when I was little. I know that’s totally normal, like, everyone’s parents yell at them I guess, but like… he didn’t just yell at me. He’d yell at me and then hit me, before I was 11 I’d broken my arm twice, broken 5 ribs, suffered internal bleeding, and had so many stitches… so many…”   
“Phil, I’m so sorry…” Dan was quiet and shocked. He had no idea.   
“Don’t be, it’s okay. Anxiety disorder runs in my family on my mum’s side, so no one was really surprised when I was diagnosed when I was 6. It got worse though and so I started on medication when I was 14, so I’m normally fine in everyday life kind of situations, but there are always going to be triggers,” Phil stopped talking to check in with Dan, just to make sure he hadn’t freaked him out or something, he felt a little more comfortable when Dan smiled reassuringly and nodded, so he continued, “I don’t know what all of them are, sometimes I’ll be fine one second and the next I’m just… not, but I can’t… I can’t deal with people yelling at me, or targeting me in more public forums. Sometimes, like if it’s just some people our age or something, I can supress it, you know? But adults… mostly male adult, but adults in general, I just can’t…”   
That’s okay, that’s understandable…” Dan told him, unsure of what else he could say.   
“There are other triggers, but that’s the biggest one, and I can’t even figure out the other ones…” he breathed,   
“Have I triggered any with you..?” Dan dared to ask. He knew he did and said a lot of things that would probably affect him like that.   
“Well, not like… I’ve kind of had a few… but they weren’t your fault. They weren’t because of you, you just did or said totally normal things and I freaked out,” Phil answered honestly, “None of it was actually you, I promise.”   
“Like when I kissed you and you ran out…?” Dan asked quietly,   
“Yeah… I could feel one sort of coming on, but it was only a little one, it wasn’t anything serious… But PJ knew that I was crying because of anxiety, and that’s why he freaked out. He thought that maybe you’d yelled at me, or hit me, or threatened me or something…”   
“I’m so sorry…” Dan said, feeling Phil pull apart from him before laying down and curling up on the bed behind him.   
“Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault,” Phil replied, Dan turned his body to face Phil and placed his hand on Phil’s outer thigh, rubbing the fabric of Phil’s jeans against his thumb, “You must be really tired. Want me to leave you alone to rest?”   
“Can you stay with me?” Phil whispered, looking up at him with tired eyes, obviously straining to keep them open, Dan nodded and Phil tugged at the bottom of Dan’s shirt. Phil smiled a little as Dan laid down beside him on top of the covers, their faces just a couple of inches apart and their legs intertwined. Phil wiggled forward to quickly kiss Dan, smiling as their lips parted again,   
“You give me butterflies,” Dan whispered softly as he closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Phil’s gently trembling body. Phil hummed quietly and snuggled into Dan’s chest and closed his own eyes. 

Chris sat on the floor of the shower, the water running off his head and down his shoulders, the water dripping into his eyes from his hair. He didn’t care. He felt like crap, which, to be fair, was completely normal for him. He wasn’t sure how he functioned, if he was being honest. He was a complete mess, just secretly, privately. He looked out for his friends, mostly Dan at this point in his life as he was someone he really resonated with, something that he shared things with. He was the only one that knew how bad he really was, and he only knew that because he was just as bad himself. Of course, PJ knew about the self-harm now too, and that made him feel completely deflated and disappointed in himself for letting him down, but he was still a little relieved that PJ didn’t know everything. Chris couldn’t imagine how Phil would react if he found out too. Sure, Phil and PJ knew about Dan and all the damaging things he got up to, but it was different with Dan, they hadn’t known him long, they hadn’t known much about him. With Chris, PJ and Phil were his best friends, each thought that they knew all of Chris’s secrets and quirks, he was sure it would kill them if they found out he’d been lying to them for so many years, never mind how they would react if they knew what he’d been lying about. He was thankful that he was in a bit more control than Dan was, it’s what kept everything so well hidden; his self-harm, his experiments with weed and ecstasy, everything that he didn’t want anyone to know… but sometimes he wished they all knew everything. He used to almost wish that he had someone to wrap their arms around him and tell him it was all going to be okay, that they would help him get better, because sometimes, not often, he felt like he wanted to stop and be normal… Now that PJ knew, though… it wasn’t like that. He didn’t want to ask PJ for help, he didn’t want to put him out or anything. Deep down, deep, deep down, he regrated shutting PJ down the few times he’d brought it up again. He also regretted lying and telling him he was fine and getting help. The only help he was getting was from Dan, and that was the wrong kind of help. Dan helped him feel less guilty about it, Dan helped him high, and Dan helped him escape. 

He pulled himself up, almost wishing he’d slip and somehow manage to drown in the running water, but he turned off the water and stepped out onto the cool tiles and dried himself off. He slipped on his grey underwear, followed by his old jeans and then looked down at his wrists. They were scarred, red, raw, and still bleeding just a little bit from before he’d gotten in the shower, obviously the water didn’t do much to stop it, but then again, that was the plan. He dabbed at the cuts with some bunched up toilet paper, waiting for them to hurry up and stop bleeding so that he could get out of the bathroom before PJ figured out that he’d been in there for over an hour. Just as the thought went through his mind he heard a knock on the bathroom door,   
“Chris?” it wasn’t PJ. It was Phil. Fuck. That was worse.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, angst, substance abuse and mental health issues (and eventual smut).

“Uh, yeah?” Chris called out in response, pressing harder on his already throbbing wrists,  
“I wanted to talk to you about something, PJ told me you were in the bathroom, but that about like, um, an hour and… thirteen minutes ago,” Phil spoke through the door, “Are you alright?”  
“Yeah! I’m fine, sorry, I’ll be out soon. I was in the shower,” he replied, checking the bleeding and let out a deep breath when he saw that the bleeding had stopped. He threw on his t-shirt and pulled his black jacket over the top, hiding everything from sight as he shoved the bloody toilet paper into the small bin by the sink on his way out of the bathroom. Phil was staring out the window when Chris entered the bedroom, he cleared his throat and Phil spin around, his hands immediately joining together in front of him as if that was how he’d been standing the entire time he waited for him.  
“What’s up?” Chris started the conversation and Phil smiled a tiny smile before replying,  
“I wanted to ask you something actually,” he said, “It’s about Dan…”  
“Yeah?” Chris enquired, sitting down on PJ’s bed and looking up at Phil,  
“Do you think he’s alright? I’m worried about him…” Phil stated, “I know that he… you know… but, um… I found these in the bathroom,” he pulled out a tiny snap-lock bag of little pills. They were chalky and powdery in appearance, sort of off-white with either an orangey or pinkish tinge depending on each individual tablet. Pressed into one side of each one was the outline of either a heart or a smiley face. Chris knew exactly what they were and where he’d gotten them.  
“Oh,” was all Chris could say,  
“I couldn’t go to PJ about this because I know that despite trying to like Dan, he’s still a tad apprehensive, so I’m sorry to bring you into this… The thing is, I knew he does things like this, I know he does, but he told me that he wouldn’t bring it back into, or do them in, our room, and I really believe that if he’s taken it further than just when he’s out doing whatever he does with whoever he does it with, then… I don’t think he’s okay. He says he’s getting help, but I don’t think he really is… I think he’s lying to me about all of this, about cutting himself, about drinking, about doing drugs, and now bringing back whatever this is,” he said, holding up the baggy again,  
“It’s ecstasy,” Chris said blandly.  
“Well,” Phil paused, “That answers one question,”  
“This doesn’t necessarily mean he’s getting worse, maybe he’s just feeling more comfortable?” Chris suggested, reading the look of concern on Phil’s face as he eyed the pills in the clear bag.  
“What am I meant to do with these? I’m holding drugs! There are drugs in my room! There are drugs in my HAND!” Phil exclaimed, “Do I ask him about it, or will that make it worse?”  
“I don’t know…” Chris said almost quietly,  
“I have DRUGS-” Phil was cut off by the sound of PJ’s voice,  
“PHIL!” PJ watched as Phil dropped the snap-lock bag onto the ground and his head snapped around to look at him, “What the fuck are you doing?” 

“I’m, um, Chris?” Phil struggled, turning to Chris for assistance,  
“Phil,” Chris stopped talked for a moment, thinking on his feet, “Phil caught me doing ecstasy in the bathroom…” Phil’s sights turned back to Chris in shock before back to PJ as he began to speak,  
“Chris, you don’t- you don’t do ecstasy… You don’t do drugs…” PJ responded slowly, taking in the scene before him. Chris sighed,  
“Yes, I do…” he breathed, picking up the baggy from the floor and opening it, picking out one of the off-white tablets with more of a pink tinge and holding it between his thumb and forefinger. He inspected it closely as he shut the baggy with his other hand and tossed it onto his bed, “Specifically, this is from the guy on Campbell Street.”  
“There’s a drug dealer on Campbell Street?” Phil asked,  
“He doesn’t like to be called a drug dealer,” Chris let out a short laugh, “He insists on being known as an MDMA dealer. He’s a bit weird, but he gets good stuff for reasonable prices.”  
“You don’t have money to be wasting on drugs,” PJ challenged him, partially because he didn’t believe him, but more so because he wanted to get as much information out of him as possible in case it was true.  
“…If you suck him off he’ll give you what you want for free,”  
“Chris! What the absolute fuck are you talking about?! This is a fucking joke!” PJ shouted before turning to Phil, “Is he telling the truth?!”  
“I… I think he might be,” Phil confessed. Everything that Chris was saying added up, it all made sense, Chris couldn’t have made up all of those details, he just couldn’t have. Phil had heard Dan talking about Campbell Street a few times, but he had no idea why.  
“PJ?” Chris hesitated in breaking the silence that had fallen over the room, “Phil?”  
“Drugs too?” PJ asked, his voice harsh and body tense, “Cutting yourself wasn’t enough?!”  
“What?!” Phil’s voice asked above the loud interaction going on before him,  
“PJ! Why would you say that?! Why would you?! You knew I didn’t want anyone to know!” Chris screamed at him, ignoring Phil completely. PJ yelled something back at him, also ignoring Phil’s shocked question. Chris, then PJ, then Chris, and then PJ again, the argument unfolded quickly and Phil could feel the tears pricking in his eyes and the tightness in his chest.  
“YOU’VE BEEN HURTING YOURSELF AND NOW YOU WERE DOING DRUGS IN OUR ROOM, CHRIS! THAT’S ILLEGAL, AND STUPID!” PJ shouted and pointed to the pill between his fingers, “THROW THAT FUCKING THING AWAY!”  
“WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I?!” Chris screamed back, putting the pill between his teeth for PJ to see before using his tongue to guide it properly into his mouth and dry swallowing it.  
“FUCKING SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT RIGHT NOW! CHRIS FUCKING SPIT IT OUT, THROW IT UP, AND JUST STOP IT!” PJ’s voice was hoarse now and neither he nor Chris were paying attention to anything around them, just each other and the empty space within their lines of sight. Phil felt sick, he was overwhelmed, he was about to start crying and hyperventilating, he could feel it building. Without uttering a single word, he ran between Chris and PJ, practically feeling their words hit him like bullets, as he ran out the door. Chris and PJ saw the blur that was Phil run between them and out the door,  
“LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE NOW!” Chris screamed at PJ,  
“SHUT UP, WILL YOU?!” PJ yelled one last time at Chris before running to the door and looking out into the hallway. Phil wasn’t there. He was gone. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”  
“Where’d he go?” Chris asked, no longer yelling,  
“I don’t… I don’t know… He’s gone. He’s just… he’s gone,” PJ breathed, “Oh god…”  
“We fucked up…” Chris said, “We need to find him,”  
“You can’t go and find him,” PJ shot him a dirty look, “How long until that pill kicks in again?”  
“Fuck.”  
“Yeah, fuck,” PJ shook his head, both angry and disappointed in Chris, “Stay here, I’m going to see if Dan can baby-sit you while I go and look for him.” 

PJ took the few steps to Dan and Phil’s room before keying in their code and walking in, leaving Chris alone in the hallway. “Dan?”  
“PJ?” Dan asked, genuinely confused, “What’s going on? I could hear you and Chris, but I didn’t want to interrupt… Do you know where Phil is? I came back and he was gone,”  
“That’s why I’m here. Chris and I were arguing… and Phil was with us. He freaked out and left and we don’t know where he went,” PJ began to explain.  
“Do you want me to help find him?” Dan asked, more than willing to do so,  
“That’s where it gets funny. Chris just took some drug thing, I don’t remember what… Can you look after him and make sure he doesn’t do anything else stupid while I find Phil? He’s full of fucking bad decisions today…”  
“Oh, sure… Where is he?” Dan asked. PJ pointed to the door as Chris took a few steps inside.  
“Thanks Dan, text me if Phil comes back?” Dan nodded and PJ was out the door.  
“This is yours,” Chris handed Dan the little bag of pills that he had managed to grab out of his room while PJ had asked Dan to baby-sit him, “Phil found them.”  
“What happened?” Dan asked, taking the pills from him and throwing them under his pillow. Chris sat down on the bed and explained, as best he could, before the ecstasy kicked in and Dan gave up.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, angst, substance abuse and mental health issues (and eventual smut).

A flash a lightning lit up the sky. The dark grey clouds were immediately illuminated, it could have been sworn upon that one could see the volumes of water stored within them. The grass was wet, shining and reflecting what little light was managing to break its way through the clouds. The colour was vivid, it was a shade of green that drew one's eye, it appeared so healthy and it almost magnified the scent of the sporadic drops of rain that fell from the sky. A sudden and moderate gust of wind blew the tall trees, causing the caught droplets from the earlier, much heavier, rain that poured down on the garden during the morning's storm to be flung from the blue-green leaves of the high branches and land somewhere amongst the grass, settling as it reunited with the earth. If these droplets were sentient, their unity with the ground would most probably be their favourite part of the water-cycle. As if on cue, a loud roar of thunder rolled through, unfolding through the sky, completely unaware of the effect it took below, startling the poor ebony haired boy, his thighs pulled against his chest as he buried his face in his knees, sitting huddled under the protection of a rather large oak. He usually loved the rain, enjoyed the storms, he practically lived for the idea of snuggling up inside the warmth of his blanket, perhaps with a good, thick book. This particular storm though, he was outside, watching through teary eyes as it developed before him. It was almost as if nature were reflecting, mirroring, all of the feelings inside of him that he wished he could convey to the rest of the world. He was envious of way the weather could just be itself and do its thing without caring what anyone may or may not think. He felt a few tiny splashes of water as they hit his hair, then his face, and then his arms as the rain began to pour again around him. At least now no one would be able to see his tears. 

"Phil?!" PJ called out loudly as the rain began to beat down on the ground and, subsequently, his head, "Phil?!" he repeated, running a hand through his now-wet hair.   
"Who's Phil?" A girl's voice asked from behind him, "Would they really be out here in this rain?" Her voice was soft and quizzical with a hint of amusement, and when PJ turned around he noticed that her facial expression matched her tone completely.   
"He's my friend," PJ answered her, "And yes," he sighed, "He would really be out here in this weather."   
"That doesn't sound too pleasant," she replied, pushing the strawberry-blonde hair that was plastered to her face behind her ear, "Is everything alright?"   
"Probably not..." PJ mumbled before taking a step closer to her, "I'm PJ, by the way."   
"I'm Georgia," she smiled, "Do you need any help? I mean... I'm already out in the rain?" She chuckled.   
"Under any other circumstances, I'd take you up on your offer, but my friend, poor, dear Philip, probably would not appreciate me enlisting the help of a pretty girl in order to find him," he told her with a smile, "But maybe we could hang out tomorrow or something?"   
"Well, that's completely understandable," she grinned, "I'm pretty sure you and I are going to lunch tomorrow afternoon," her eyes flicked up to his as she turned on her heel with a smile, calling over her shoulder as she briskly walked away through the rain, "I'll pick you up at two, it's nice to meet you PJ!"

“Phil!” PJ breathed, twenty minutes after watching Georgia walk back to wherever she had come from. He’d finally laid eyes on Phil, curled into himself at the base of a huge tree, “Phil, are you okay?”   
“I… I didn’t mean to…” Phil struggled to hold back more tears. He’d been outside in the rain for at least an hour, he was so cold that he was shaking, or maybe the shaking wasn’t because of the cold.   
“No, no, Phil,” PJ hushed him, “It’s okay. I’m so sorry, alright? We’re so sorry for freaking you out like that… It’s not your fault. Do you… Do you wanna come back with me? Everything’s calmed down, it’s all alright now,”   
“I don’t- I don’t know,” Phil shuddered, “I don’t know what- what I- what I want…”   
“That’s okay, too!” PJ assured him, “But Phil, it’s raining… You’ll get sick, and you’re already soaking wet. Maybe you want to come inside with me?”   
“Where’s Chris?” Phil asked, suddenly worried about him as well,   
“Dan’s looking after him,” PJ said, taking a seat on the lively, wet grass beside Phil.   
“I’m scared…” Phil whispered, almost inaudibly,   
“I know, I know you are, Phil. Trust me, I know, but it’s all going to be okay. I promise,” PJ guaranteed, wrapping an arm around Phil’s definitely cold body, whispering in his ear, “Everything is gonna be alright.” 

Dan sat up straight, eyes directed straight at the door when he heard the unmistaken able sound of someone keying in their code to unlock the door. He was a little disappointed and confused when PJ came in through the door alone. He raised an eyebrow in concern,   
“Where’s Phil?” Dan asked, getting up and walking to meet PJ,   
“He’s under a tree, out in the rain, alone…” PJ said as quietly as he could.   
Dan narrowed his eyes, “And you left him there because?”   
“Because he refused to come with me! He said he wouldn’t leave unless-”   
“Unless what?”   
“Unless you came to get him,” PJ said, watching Dan quickly brush past him before he even finished his sentence. Dan ran out the door and down the hallway, out toward the garden, he suddenly regretted not asking PJ WHICH of the many, many trees Phil had decided to huddle himself. He stopped at the door before entering the rain outside and quickly decided to head straight to the tree he had plonked himself under the day that Phil had discovered him there in tears. He took a few slow steps into the weather outside before breaking into a sprint toward the tree, spotting Phil the second he got there.   
“…Phil?” Dan whispered approaching him slowly,   
“Hi…” Phil greeted him quietly,   
“How come you didn’t want to go with PJ?”   
“I don’t know…” he squeaked, “Are you angry with me?”   
“What? No, why would I be angry with you?” Dan asked, squatting down to Phil’s level,   
“I don’t know…”   
“I’m not upset at you, baby,” Dan whispered, taking Phil’s hand.   
“Did you just call me ‘baby’?” Phil smiled weakly,   
“Yep, is that okay?” Dan giggled a little as Phil nodded, “Do you think that maybe you want to come inside me now? I mean… Fuck. I didn’t mean that, I mean, do you want to come out of the rain with me, inside the… not outside? I’m sorry… Jesus, fuck…”   
“Freudian slip,” Phil laughed weakly, wiping the tears from his face and nodding with a shy smile, “Yes, I will come inside with you.”   
Dan smiled, embarrassed and sporting a blush, “Okay, good.”  
“We can talk about the other thing later,” Phil winked with a laugh, pulling himself up using the hand Dan had extended before standing in front of the brown haired boy.   
Dan took a step forward and wrapped him arms around Phil as he listened to Phil’s whispering, “I just wanted you to find me. It’s so lame, I’m sorry…”   
“No, no, it’s okay… Phil, can I ask you something?”   
“Mhmm…” Phil hummed, pulling Dan’s body closer to his in an attempt to steal some of his warmth as they stood there in the cold, cold rain,   
“Are you mad at me?” Dan asked, “For the… you know…?”   
“I’m not mad at you… I’m worried about you. I care about you, even when you’re doing stupid things and even when you…” Phil trailed off, unsure of how to finish his sentence,   
“Even when I what?”   
“Even when you do and say things that really hurt me…” he said in the softest, most quiet of voices.   
“Oh god, Phil…” he choked, “I don’t really, do I?”   
“You say some pretty… not-so-great things when you’re not sober…” Phil told him as Dan pulled away a little bit, “It’s okay, I know that it’s not really you…”   
“I’m so sorry…” Dan looked down at the slick, green grass, deciding to focus his sights on a leaf that must’ve fallen from the tree behind Phil, “I didn’t… I don’t mean any of it. I’m so, so sorry… Phil, I…”   
“Dan, it’s alright…”   
“No, no, no, no… It’s not okay…” Dan whispered harshly, “Phil, I’m so sorry…”   
“Please stop apologising…”Phil pleaded, “Dan, if you don’t stop I’ll…”   
“Okay, alright. Let’s go home, okay? It’s warm and dry and… Phil?” Dan looked suspiciously at Phil as he suddenly wasn’t making eye contact, “Phil, are you okay?” Phil didn’t look up at him. “Phil, are you… are you crying? Phil, I’m really sorry, I really am… Please, please don’t cry, I’m-”  
Phil finally spoke up, “If you say you’re sorry one more time, I’m going to stay here all night,” he said, still not looking Dan in the eye,   
“Are you okay?” Dan asked him, picking up his hand and entwining their fingers, Phil didn’t respond, he just pulled Dan’s arm around his waist and pulled him along, indicating that they were now walking back to their room. 

“Okay, you need to get undressed,” Dan demanded the second their dorm room door was closed,   
“What?” Phil asked, surprised. It was the first thing he’d said since they began walking back from the oak tree in the garden,   
“Take your clothes off,” Dan said again, this time trying to simplify it.   
“I don’t- I don’t think I’m comfortable with that…” he replied, looking almost scared,   
“You idiot, I mean you need to get undressed so that you can get in the bloody shower,” Dan chuckled, leaning forward to quickly kiss Phil’s trembling bottom lip, “You’re so freaking cold, Phil. I wish you would have come in with PJ so that you could’ve warmed up sooner. Are you feeling okay?” he asked him, peeling Phil’s thin, wet jacket off of his body,   
“I feel fine,” he said, unsure of whether or not it was actually true. Dan nodded, lifting Phil’s shirt off slowly as it seemed that he really wasn’t going to do any of this by himself, leaving Phil standing in front of Dan in nothing but his wet, black jeans.   
“Come on,” Dan said, ushering Phil into the bathroom before turning on the water, “You can do the rest yourself, right?” He asked with a bit of a smile, Phil nodded as Dan turned around and closed the bathroom door, leaving Phil alone in the bathroom. He felt weird. He felt wrong, and he didn’t know why. More than anything he just wanted to cuddle up with someone and cry, but at the same time he wanted to be alone and silent. He peeled off the rest of his soaked clothes and stepped under the hot water. It was too hot and burned against his skin, but he didn’t move or adjust it, he just embraced the pain of the heat and the burn.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it, but an unexpected attraction to Phil begins to change everything. Warnings: Self-harm, substance abuse and mental health issues (and eventual smut).

Parent-teacher weekend. It was Monday morning, and that meant one thing: five days until parent-teacher weekend. Dan squirmed in his seat when he had been informed that his parents had made an appointment with his form advisor. For a start, they were too “busy” to make appointments with more than one of his teachers, given it was the teacher in charge of the form, but even still… it hurt him that they could only be bothered talking to one person about him for what would probably be about twenty minutes. The second thing that bothered him was the fact that this meant they were coming to visit him at school. Fucking wonderful, he thought. He plopped down beside Phil on his green and blue bed, breathing in the lovely, fruity scent of Phil,   
“I just talked to Mr Hollock,” Dan said.   
“Bad day then?” Phil asked, tossing his phone gently onto the bedside table,   
“Why do you always assume that when I’ve spoken to a teacher it’s a bad thing?” Dan huffed, scooting closer to his boyfriend,   
“Because so far, I’ve always assumed right,” Phil answered a-matter-of-factly.   
“Okay, yeah. You’re right…” Dan sighed, “I don’t really wanna talk about it though,”   
“Okay,” Phil smiled at him, “Actually, I’ve been thinking about weird things all day…”   
“Yeah?”  
“Yeah. Can I ask you something weird?” Phil asked him, Dan nodded and Phil continued, “Do you think that sexuality can be something that runs in the family… somehow?”   
“I don’t know,” Dan chucked a little, “I’ve met families where all the kids are… not straight. Um, I don’t think it solely comes down to it though.”   
“No, don’t think it does either, but it’s just a weird thing…” Phil said awkwardly,   
“Where did this come from?” Dan laughed, stroking Phil’s arm gently.   
“We have parent-teacher weekend on Saturday,”   
“Mmm… Yes, that’s a fact I know all too well,” Dan rolled his eyes, “What about it?”   
“I want to come out to my mum,” Phil said, turning to face Dan properly, “Are you… are you okay with that?”   
“Do you want her to meet me?” Dan asked, swallowing a little out of nervousness.   
“Yeah…” Phil said with a nod,   
“What if she… doesn’t react well to the whole gay thing?” he asked, absolutely terrified of the concept.   
“She’ll be fine,” Phil gave him a strange look, “My mum is pretty cool, and she’s a lot happier since she and my dad divorced. She’s bringing her new fiancé to the thing on Saturday,”   
“Okay… So she won’t murder me for kissing her son?” Dan asked and Phil laughed, “And your soon-to-be step-dad won’t hurt me for holding your hand?”   
“I don’t think my mum and my soon-to-be-step-mum,” Phil paused and smirked a little, “Will any problem with the whole gay thing.”   
“Wait!” Dan shot up, suddenly smiling, “Your mum is gay too?”   
“Yup,” Phil nodded, “Are you parents coming this weekend too?” Dan groaned loudly at his question and moved before draping himself over Phil’s lap dramatically, “I’ll take that as a yes.”   
“I’m probably going to die,” Dan stated breathily as Phil ran his fingers through the brown hair attached to the head in his lap.   
“Please don’t die,” Phil whispered, moving his hand to gently stroke Dan’s cheek, “I’d miss you a little bit,”   
“Phil?”   
“Mmm?”   
“You should kiss me,” Dan mumbled with a smile. 

Phil leaned down and kissed Dan’s forehead, earning a small whining noise from the boy. He laughed a little and kissed him again, this time on the cheek,   
“Nooo…” Dan whined, “I want real kisses!”   
Phil leaned back and chuckled, “If you want real kisses, you need to come and get them.”   
With that, Dan shot up and quickly pushed Phil back onto the bed, his knees on either side of his legs and hands holding Phil’s shoulders to the mattress,   
“You asked for it,” Dan grinned before pressing his lips to Phil’s. It was a familiar, yet exhilarating feeling, sending shivers down Phil’s spine as Dan kissed him deeper, his tongue exploring the inside of his mouth, his hand playing and tugging at his hair before they moved to roam his chest while the other held him above Phil. Phil kept his hand by Dan’s face, gently stroking his cheek and keeping the kiss sweet and intimate, his second hand slid down Dan’s back, his thumb hooking through the belt loop, his fingers excitably close to Dan’s ass, “Mmm… Phil, you’re really turning me on…”   
“Am I?” Phil breathed, reconnecting their lips as Dan moved himself against him, his hip brushing against the bulge in Phil’s pants.   
“You’re hard?” Dan raised his eyebrow with a smirk,   
“I’m sorry…” Phil pulled away and rolled his body to the side and slid away from Dan slightly, facing the wall.   
“Don’t be sorry,” Dan whispered, running his fingers loosely up and down Phil’s arm and taking his hand, pulling it between both of their bodies,   
“That’s a really uncomfortable position… What are you doing?” Phil asked, turning over to face Dan instead. Dan smiled when his eyes connected once again with Phil’s stunning blue ones, he kissed him quickly before pulling Phil’s arm between them and uncurling each of Phil’s fingers before pressing his hand against his crotch,   
“I’m hard too,” he chuckled, leaning into Phil’s hand which was pressing against him without any of Dan’s assistance at all now, “Can I tell you something?” he whispered sensually,   
“Yeah?” Phil breathed,   
“I think about you when I’m getting off… Even before we kissed that first time I’d think of you when I was wanking, it started to get a bit weird when I’d be with some girl and then the second I thought of you…” Dan confessed with a blush.   
“When do you even get the time to wank off?” Phil giggled as Dan pulled their bodies closer together,   
“Gotta shower sometimes, right?” Dan laughed a little, “How about you?”  
Phil wasn’t sure what to say. This was something he’d never really had a conversation with someone about before, this was all completely new and terrifying, what was he supposed to say?   
“Um…” was all that managed to escape his lips. Dan leaned over and kissed him again with a little laugh,   
“I know you do it, Philip,” he poked his tongue out,   
“I know you know I do it,” Phil retorted, nuzzling into Dan’s neck in an attempt to escape any more questions,   
“Come on, Phil,” Dan rocked him slightly, teasing him.   
“I didn’t even know I was gay until… you,” Phil whispered,   
“That’s completely endearing,” Dan smiled, better wrapping his arms around Phil’s body and squeezing him a little,   
“I do, um… I do think about you when I…” Phil was quickly interrupted by Dan pushing him onto his back and resuming their original position with him practically pinning Phil down as he kissed him.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it, but an unexpected attraction to Phil begins to change everything. Warnings: Self-harm, substance abuse and mental health issues (and eventual smut).

“Phil, can I touch you?” Dan breathed, grinding against him as Phil kissed down Dan’s neck, rudely interrupted by the collar of his shirt,   
“Only if I can take your shirt off…” Phil almost panted and Dan nodded, immediately feeling Phil’s fingers fumbling with the hem of his shirt before lifting it up over his head, revealing his seemingly hairless torso. Phil ran his hands down Dan’s bare chest, sucking in a sudden breath as he felt more pressure on his crotch, causing his cock to throb harder beneath his jeans,   
“You like that?” Dan breathed against Phil’s ear, palming him almost expertly over his denim constriction. Phil nodded near desperately, pulling Dan closer to him to kiss him again, feeling his barely chapped lips against his own smooth ones,   
“Dan…” Phil shuddered as Dan slid his hand down the front of his pants,   
“Is this okay?” Dan whispered, stopping it all for a moment.   
“It would probably be a little easier if,” Phil replied, reaching down to unbutton and unzip his jeans, “You could get more than three-quarters of four of your fingers in,” he gave a short, breathy giggle.   
“You’re so perfect,” Dan whispered to him as he snaked his hand properly down into Phil’s pants, properly feeling the shape, size and the throbbing of his cock through the very thin material of his underwear, “Do you feel okay?”   
“Yeah,” Phil smiled up at him, kissing his cheek and kissing it again when Dan’s dimple appeared after a smile of his own emerged on his face, “I like that you’re asking me that,”   
“You’re very important to me,” he responded, his fingers stroking Phil over his underwear, “Can I take these off?” Dan gestured to Phil’s jeans. He nodded in return and Dan pulled his hand from Phil’s pants before lifting Phil’s body gently to pull them off, taking a moment to get them off from around his ankles before crawling half-way up Phil’s body and stopping to admire Phil’s hard-on through the grey underwear hiding his privates. His eyes flicked up to meet Phil’s as his fingers toyed with the waistband, Phil nodded again, giving Dan permission to continue with whatever it was he had in store. 

Phil felt his underwear slide down to his upper-mid-thigh, and moments later, only what he could assume was the warmth of Dan’s breath over his twitching member.   
“God, you’re beautiful,” he whispered, his lips ghosting over the head of Phil’s cock before he slowly enveloped the tip. Phil let out a shaky moan as Dan slowly invited more and more of his long cock into his mouth, pressing his tongue against the sensitive underside as he began to bob up and down. Phil let quiet moans and whimpers as Dan continued to use his mouth to pleasure him as best he could, and Phil had to admit that it was possibly the best feeling he had ever experienced. Dan, too, let out a deep moan as he sucked Phil harder, sending vibrations through his extremely well stimulated cock, causing Phil to let out a short gasp. The wet sounds of suction from Dan’s mouth over his member, the sheer sight of Dan sucking his dick as though it were supplying him life, the feeling of Dan’s lips, his tongue, the occasional light grazing of his teeth, the vibrations whenever he made a sound, all sending his senses into overdrive.   
“Oh- oh… Dan…” Phil tried to keep his voice steady, but it was completely impossible, “Dan, I’m really… I’m really c-close…”   
Dan pulled himself off of Phil just long enough to smile up at him,   
“Good,” he smirked, “I want you too,” and he immediately went back to work on Phil. Within a minute, Phil felt the build-up of heat and pressure release into Dan’s eagerly awaiting mouth, watching as Dan continued to swallow around him throughout his intense orgasm. 

“Oh, god…” Phil breathed, “Oh my god, Dan…”   
“Good or bad ‘oh my god’?” Dan smirked crawling his way up Phil’s spent body,   
“So good,” he laughed, kissing Dan and tasting himself on his lips, “Would you like me to return the favour?”   
“Not now,” Dan kissed him again, “Later, maybe,” he laughed, “But for now, all I want to do is cuddle with you, and feel you, and give you lots of attention.”   
Phil slid himself into Dan’s arms after quickly pulling up his underwear, Dan pulled the cool duvet over their bodies and slid his hands under Phil’s shirt, lifting it up above his head and tugging it off. Phil moved his hands down to just under Dan’s hips where he pants were sitting, undoing them and looking back up at Dan,   
“Is it okay to take these off? I want to feel all of you against me...” Phil asked, sounding very nervous about doing so.   
“Um…” Dan hesitated, “Yes, if…”   
“If what?”   
“If you don’t look at them…” he whispered, anxious that Phil would see the scars from his cigarettes and over methods of self-harm. This was an area, and another form, that Phil didn’t know about, and the last thing he wanted was to make him uncomfortable or cause him to worry even more.   
“Okay,” Phil nodded, “Are you okay?”   
“Yeah, I am,” Dan smiled, “Just a weird personal thing,”   
“Okay,” Phil nodded, proceeding to remove the bottom half of his clothing, minus his navy blue boxers. “Dan?”   
“Phil?”   
“Daniel?”   
“Philip?”   
“Daniella?”   
“Philippa?”   
“Everything is going to be okay,” Phil whispered, pressing his forehead against Dan’s, “I know why you don’t want me to see your legs. It’s okay. You’ll get better, I see improvements every day in one aspect or another.”   
“Not really…” Dan rejected Phil’s support, but Phil wasn’t having any of it,   
“You’re going to more classes, you’re going out to unsavoury places less, you’re not hanging out with people that will influence you further… You’re improving, and I’m proud of you.”   
“You’re amazing too. You’re so amazing that it scares me… also, you have a really, really nice dick,” Dan laughed, kissing Phil gently and entwining their limbs as they got comfortable, cuddling one another, feeling the other’s skin warming their own and reminding them that they were safe.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it, but an unexpected attraction to Phil begins to change everything. Warnings: Self-harm, substance abuse and mental health issues (and eventual smut).

It was Saturday. The parent-teacher-weekend-Saturday. Dan sat up in his bed, anxiety making his stomach float around inside him, resulting in a wave of nausea. Phil was already up and dressed.  
“My mum just called, she and Caroline are about ten minutes away and they want me to meet them at the café downstairs. I kind of wanted you to come…” he said, and Dan blinked at him a few times, “But you were asleep and I heard you tossing and turning all night, I would have felt so guilty waking you up...”  
“Do you still want me to come?” Dan asked, but Phil didn’t respond, “I can get dressed and presentable in five minutes, you see me do it every morning,” he laughed.  
“Would you?” Phil responded, and Dan smiles with a nod,  
“Of course,” he smiled again, projecting himself from the bed and scrambling around the untidy room. Phil made a mental note to clean it all up later.  
“You look fine,” Phil laughed seven minutes later, and Dan ran his fingers through his fringe again to make sure he looked human. Phil took his hand and led the pair out the door and down the stairs toward the little café, toward Phil’s mum, toward Phil’s mum’s fiancé. 

“Mum!” Phil called out, wrapping his arms around the light orange-grey haired woman’s torso, “I’ve missed you so much!”  
“I’ve missed you too, sweetheart,” she chuckled, pulling them apart to look at him properly, scanning him for any signs of damage or wrong-doing.  
“Where’s Caroline?” he asked her,  
“She should be here right about…” she turned around and within a moment a tall blonde-haired woman, obviously a few years younger than her partner, rounded the corner with a pretty smile across her face as she walked toward the pair. Dan watched on as she hurried over to Phil and wrapped her arms around him before retreating to his mother’s side.  
“How’s school? Are you doing okay with classes? Your mum said you had some news, is everything okay? How are you?” she asked him very quickly before realising what she was doing and stopped with a short chuckle, “Sorry…”  
“School is good, classes are good, the news is good, everything is good, and I am good,” Phil laughed before turning his sights back to Dan, “This is Dan, he’s my roommate,” he introduced him as the four of them sat down at one of the tables.  
“Dan, yes! Phil talks about you whenever he calls!” Phil’s mum said excitably, “I’m Phil’s mum, and this is my partner, Caroline,” she beamed.  
“Hi,” Dan greeted them shyly,  
“So mum,” Phil interrupted, “The thing I had to tell you…”  
“The thing that’s good and not going to make me worry?” she questioned,  
“I think it’s a good thing… I hope you won’t worry, but you know, you’re a mum,” he laughed.  
“Honey, I’m sure it’s fine,” Caroline mused, “Go on, Phil.”  
Phil sat for a moment. Dan took in a deep breath and felt very anxious suddenly, he wished he was high. He wished he had something to make the feeling in the pit of his stomach go away. Actually, he decided, a hell of a lot of alcohol would do the trick, but alas, he and his favourite substances were not meant to be in that moment.  
“Mum,” Phil started, “I’m, um, I’m gay.”  
“You’re gay?” his mother repeated and Phil nodded. “You’re sure?”  
“I’m sure,” Phil held back a laugh, “My boyfriend seems to be pretty certain of my sexuality too,”  
“You have a boyfriend!?” both his mum and Caroline gushed,  
“Yes,” Phil chuckled,  
“Dan, have you met Phil’s boyfriend? Is he nice? Is he treating my boy well?” Phil’s mum asked, turning to Dan.  
“Oh, um…” Dan hesitated, “I’m um… I’m his, uh… boyfriend…” 

The morning went on pleasantly, Phil’s mum and her partner, Caroline, were both so excited to hear all about Phil and Dan’s relationship and, of course, as they were leaving Phil was forced to endure an awkward discussion with his mother about “staying safe” and “using protection”. Needless to say, it was very, very awkward. As Dan and Phil were walking back to the dorm, Dan’s phone rang in his pocket and he was greeted with the stressed out voice of his mother telling him that she and his father were on their way home and had no time to stop to see him. He pretended not to be disappointed, but honestly, it broke his heart. Apparently during their parent-teacher interview they were told that Dan was improving, slowly but surely, and most likely under the influence of his new friend and roommate. His parents were as happy with him as they were going to get.  
“Dan, are you okay?” Phil asked as they got back into their room,  
“Huh? Oh, yeah,” he replied, “I’m fine, sorry.”  
“Um, I have to go see Mr Almed with my mum, apparently he wants to talk to me with her. Are you gonna be okay by yourself?”  
“Yeah,” Dan smiled, “I’m good,”  
“Alright,” Phil grinned as he left the room, closing the door behind him and leaving Dan alone. He wandered over to his top drawer, maybe he’d left himself something good in there and he could use the time by himself to do the things that he wished Phil was unaware of. He opened the drawer and found it bare of such good things; no pills, no powder, no nothing. He sighed and instead reached for his usual, the little black box. He made his way to the bathroom and took off his pants, he wasn’t going to be so irresponsible this time, and he sat himself on the floor of the shower, facing the locked bathroom door.  
He opened the box with trembling hands and a feeling of relief washed over him just from looking at the little shiny blade in the box, it was like greeting an old friend, or being reunited with a loved one. He looked at his already scarred thighs and felt a tug at his heart, it truly hurt him to look at them all. He closed his eyes and rotated the blade between his fingers before looking at it again and pressing it against his skin, pushing down and yanking it across his leg and yelping in pain – that was for his father, for not even bothering to call him let alone see him. Then he did it again – this time it was for his mother, for letting him believe she cared only to let him down time and time again. And then he cut into his flesh again, deeper this time, and soon there was seven fresh, new cuts standing out against his white skin. He wanted to scream, but he couldn’t, so he just breathed, watching the blood trickle from the edges of the cuts and watching the same red substance bleed heavier from the deeper slashes in the middle until his flesh was covered in cuts and blood. His eyes watered and soon he was in tears, watching the blood pool around him on the tiles in the shower, he turned on the water and soon the water was washing away the blood, the guilt, the shame. Was this really something he could justify? If he was being honest with himself, he probably would have just put it all down to how horrible he felt inside, how empty and… broken. He was disappointed in everything and everyone. He had one good thing in his life and he didn’t deserve it, Phil didn’t deserve him either – Phil deserved better. He turned off the shower head and watched the oozing cuts as they continued to bleed, but he didn’t care. Not this time. He felt too lethargic to make it clot and stop. He just closed his eyes and continued to sob until even that took too much effort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG, I REALLY AM! Everything has been totally crazy for me lately, I just finished classes and therefore my assessments and such, but um, I've also had some personal stuff going on. 
> 
> Also, I have good news (maybe you'll think it's good news, I dunno, I don't know your life)... 
> 
> I'VE STARTED ANOTHER PHANFIC SINCE I FINISHED MY OTHER ONE! 
> 
> I was actually quite proud of it (I haven't published it anywhere as of yet because I want to finish it I think before I put it online, that way y'all will never be waiting and it'll be of REAAAAALLLL good quality because I've put a lot more work into this new one than any of my others (including this one, so maybe it'll be better?) It's very different from Freecrow Academy and Don't Lie To Me. Very different.  
> It's from Dan's POV, Phil's a new kid that Dan is absolutely captivated by and then we learn a bunch of stuff about Dan through his inner monologue and such, and just like with my other fics, for lack of originality, Chris and PJ are a fairly big part of it, moreso PJ because he's Dan's bestfriend and blah blah blah.  
> So, um, does that sound like a thing people might read? 
> 
> I love y'all <3


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan, the assumed 'bad boy', is forced into a new boarding school when he's expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He's a problem and he knows it, but an unexpected attraction to Phil begins to change everything. Warnings: Self-harm, substance abuse and mental health issues (and eventual smut).

Chris unlocked the door to his room, finding PJ sitting on the floor. He didn’t look up or even so much as greet him. This is how it had been since PJ found out about, well, everything.   
“How were the parent teacher interviews?” Chris asked,   
“Fine, you?” PJ responded without looking up,   
“Not fantastic, but you know, what can you do?” he joked,   
“Your school work,” PJ retorted coldly.   
“Can you just stop this?” Chris snapped, “Seriously, I get that you’re upset but you know what? All the things that you’re angry at me for are the only things that make me feel better! I feel bad enough about that without you being like this! I’m depressed, I’m chaotic, I self-harm and yeah, sometimes I take some easy stuff like weed, or, E, or coke. I fuck up sometimes, so fucking what?!”   
“Chris-” PJ tried, but was interrupted,   
“No, Peej, I don’t want to hear it,” he said turning around and walking straight back out the door. Dan would get it. He quickly punched in the key to Dan and Phil’s room, finding it empty and sighing before flopping down onto Phil’s bed for a moment before eyeing the closed bathroom door. The bathroom door isn’t kept closed. He propped himself up before standing completely and wandering over to the door, knocking on it and waiting for a response, there was none. He knocked again and waited a moment before trying to open the door. 

After a few failed attempts he managed to force the door open, hoping that he hadn’t walked in on anything and peering inside before scanning the room until his sight collided with a wet, bloody, half naked Dan, slumped and unconscious in the bottom of the shower. His legs were covered in fresh cuts, many still bleeding, but what stuck out most to him was the pure symmetry of the markings on his legs.   
“Dan?” Chris uttered breathlessly, “Dan?!” he practically slid across the floor, falling to his knees in front of him and shaking him to wake him up. He turned on the shower and felt the chilling water pelt down on the both as he continued to call Dan’s name. He started to stir and gripped the boy’s shoulders jolting him awake as best he could until Dan’s dull, empty eyes opened. He turned off the showerhead and moved momentarily to grab a couple handfuls of toilet paper, before returning to Dan’s near-limp body and pressing the soft paper to his legs to stop any more bleeding. Dan gurgled something incoherent and felt the pressure against his wounds as cool droplets of water dripped from his hair and ran down his face,   
“Chris..?” he respired,   
“Yes, it’s Chris,” he replied, “Thank fuck you’re okay… Jesus, Dan… What if Phil had seen this?!”   
“I didn’t mean to… it just happened…”   
“Alright then, you could have accidentally killed yourself,” Chris chastised him, “But when Phil walked in all he would see is that you’d have killed yourself. No one would have known it was an accident, you need to be more careful!”   
“Chris…” Dan breathed, “I um… I don’t feel so good…”   
“No, I wouldn’t think that you would,” he answered, “Did you do anything to your wrists?”   
“No…”   
“Okay, good. Move your legs apart so that I can clean them and dress them properly,” Chris instructed,   
“Why?” Dan moaned,   
“Because, Dan, the sooner we sort this out the sooner we can-”   
“Chris… Dan…?” Phil’s small voice spoke from the bathroom door, “Wha-what’s going on?”   
“Phil?” Dan breathed as Chris started to panic,   
“Yes, it’s Phil, now shut up,” he whispered, turning to look at the door and seeing that Phil was gone. “Fuck,” he uttered, “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” 

Phil entered the code to his room and pushed the door open, expecting to find Dan in the exact same position as he’d left him, curled up on his bed with his phone. But he didn’t. He took a moment before noticing the voices coming from the bathroom and walking over to the door. He opened his mouth to speak but the second he did he saw Chris on his knees in front of Dan, whom was slumped against the shower wall, dripping wet, covered in and surrounded my blood. He looked weak. Very weak, and very pale.   
“Wha-what’s going on?” he choked out in a tiny voice, but without waiting for an explanation, he turned and fled, hearing Dan’s voice query his name faintly in the background before he shut the bedroom door. He was trying not to hyperventilate. He was trying not to scream. He was trying not to cry. But something had to give, and tears flooded from his eyes as his breathing sped up and he stumbled toward PJ’s door, suddenly not remembering the passcode to the room. Suddenly he was dizzy – very dizzy – and he managed to knock a single time against PJ’s door before beginning to feel as if he were crumbling from the inside out. PJ opened the door, expecting perhaps Chris, but was surprised when he witnessed Phil crying and falling apart in front of him.   
“Phil,” PJ rushed, holding him up and looking into his now red face, “What happened? Phil, talk to me, what’s going on?”   
“D-Dan… he…”   
“Dan what? What did he do? Fuck, he didn’t force you into anything, did he?” PJ demanded,   
“No… He was… and Chris…” Phil strained, crying gasping for breath,   
“Dan and Chris?”   
“Shower…”   
“Dan and Chris in the shower?”   
“Yes, but no…” Phil cried, “And there was blood… everywhere…” PJ paused for a minute to put things together, but before he could snap out of it Phil collapsed onto the floor, hitting his head against the wall behind him. PJ snapped out of his and dropped to the ground, scrounging for any idea of what to do before remembering to call an ambulance and a teacher, Phil was just laying there, unresponsive and still trying to suck in breath. Usually he would wake up after couple of minutes and need to be checked up, but there was no sign of that happening, no fluttering of eyes and no voice telling him what to do. Whatever Dan had done had gone too far. 

Chris quickly finished sorting Dan’s wounds after having to rummage through the bathroom cabinet for proper dressings and helped Dan out and onto his bed.   
“Chris?” he asked, “Where did Phil go?”   
“You’re really fucking out of it, aren’t you?” Chris bit his lip, “Fucking hell… Did you take anything or did you lose too much blood?”   
“I didn’t take anything…” Dan murmured, closing his eyes and letting himself sink into his mattress until Chris shook him awake,   
“Don’t fucking do that!” Chris demanded, “Jesus, fuck… We are going to be in so much trouble… Have you eaten today?”   
“No…”   
“Okay, we’re gonna do that, is there any food in here?”   
“There’s crisps in the second draw,” Dan said, and Chris grabbed for the draw and pulled out the bag as fast as possible, opening the packet and handing it to a very lethargic Dan.   
“Better?” he asked,   
“Yes, Chris… Four crisps and I’m all better,” Dan replied sarcastically.   
“Don’t get smart with me, I’m trying to stop you from dying, or worse, getting in trouble or something from one of the head teachers,” Chris sighed, “If I leave you here for a second, will you be fine?”   
“Yeah,” Dan answered, “It’s not that bad…” 

Chris pulled out his phone, he was out of options and terrified, he dialled for an ambulance and hung up just as he walked out of the dorm room, maybe PJ could help, maybe Phil would be out here and he could calm him down, he just didn’t know! He was panicked and scared. Dan may have said it wasn’t that bad, but Chris could see the blood oozing through the dressings, and Chris could see how pale he was, and Chris could see how dull his eyes were. He wasn’t okay. The second he was out in the hallway he saw PJ leaning over Phil, but he was crying. PJ was almost always calm when Phil had an attack, but something must’ve been different.   
“Chris, what the fuck happened in there?” PJ shook,   
“I don’t- I d-don’t… Dan, he... he’s n-not okay, I called an ambu-bulance…” Chris stuttered,   
“One’s coming for Phil too,” PJ breathed, “He’s not waking up…”  
“When a teacher or someone comes up, can you tell them Dan’s in here?” he asked, dragging himself in the general direction of Dan to make sure he was still alert, “I’m really scared, Peej… I’m sorry for everything…” PJ nodded and Chris made his way back to Dan’s side in the bedroom. He had finished the crisps but he looked just as tired and out of it as when he had left, which, he had to admit, was better than him being dead.   
“You’re still bleeding,” Chris gasped, “Damn it, Dan… The ambulance is on its way, okay?”   
“No!” Dan shouted out, “No, please, no! No ambulance!”   
“What if you fucking die, Dan?!”   
“I won’t! I’m not going to! I’m going to be fine, I don’t need an ambulance. No one can know about this, please! Chris, please…” Dan begged, sitting up and looking quite dizzy for a moment before blinking his eyes a few times and steadying himself, “I promise, I am fine!”   
“Okay,” Chris sighed, “I’ll call and tell them, I don’t know what I’ll tell them, but no ambulance…”   
“Thank you…” he breathed, “Where’s Phil?” Dan asked, a little more alert now that he was sitting up a little more,   
“He’s um… I’ll go check, okay?” Chris said, pulling out his phone and stepping back out and into the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this has been so sporadic (and probably total crap too), I've had a lot going on and life is hard. 
> 
> If it's any consolation, I've finished the new one that I'm going to be posting soon! I'm just going over it for typos (if you're familiar with me and my fics, you'll know that I am notorious for forgetting to check for typos and such, so this one will be better! Another difference is that it's already completed, so it won't be sporadically updated and such because unlike this (and Don't Lie To Me when I was writing it), I'm not making it up as I go along and hoping for the best.   
> So yeah...
> 
> NEW FIC SOON THAT IS ACTUALLY DECENT QUALITY (I hope) AND THANK YOU FOR BEING SO PATIENT WITH ME, I JUST GOT SO INTO WRITING THIS NEW ONE THAT THIS CURRENT ONE WAS A LITTLE BIT LEFT BEHIND.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed ‘bad boy’, is forced into a new boarding school when he’s expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He’s a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, eventual smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

“You scared the absolute living fuck out of me! Do you fucking understand me, Dan?! I was something like, I don’t know, ninety percent positive that PJ was on his way to not hating you entirely, but that’s gone right out the fucking window now, hasn’t it?!” Chris screamed at Dan as the apologetic teenager held his head in his hands.  
“I know… I’m sorry,” Dan murmured, “It wasn’t what I-”  
“I know it’s not what you wanted, or meant, or anything! I know that! You need to be fucking careful!” Chris drilled into him, “Phil is your roommate, what did you expect?! That he’d never open the bathroom- you know what? It doesn’t matter. You’re okay, and Phil’s coming back from the hospital at half eleven, and PJ didn’t say anything to the teachers, and I’m here. Everything is fine,” Chris nodded to himself before turning to Dan again, “This time.”  
“Chris…” Dan hummed, watching his friend continue to pace back and forth,  
“Dan, what if it was me?”  
“What if what was you?”  
“What if I was the one unconscious in a mess of my own blood in the shower and PJ, or Phil, was the one to find me?” Chris began sobbing, “What if… what if that happens? What if I lose control? What if- I don’t even know, Dan! I just- I- I can’t… I can’t do this anymore. I need to stop because it could have been me, and I could have been Jonathan, and… No. All of this was a secret for so long, Dan, everything was a secret that no one knew and then you came along and let me think it was normal and okay, all of it, the cutting, the drinking, the drugs, the- all of it! It’s not your fault, but now I’m in a position where it’s hurting my friends and I can’t do that.” 

Hopping from foot to foot by the bedside of Phil, PJ watched as all of the documents that had been signed were checked for the umpteenth time by Mr Cambridge before being handed back over to the nursing staff.  
“Alrightie then!” the teacher exclaimed with a short breath, “Mr Philip Lester, are we all ready to go then?”  
“Yeah,” Phil shrugged, despite being scared of what he was going to say to Dan when he got back, he was ready.  
“Is everything else okay?” Mr Cambridge asked, but PJ promptly took over,  
“He’s just worried about his roommate, that’s all.”  
“Daniel? He was in here with you like PJ last time, wasn’t he?” Mr Cambridge asked, nodded at PJ as he spoke to Phil.  
“Yeah, he was,” Phil answered.  
“And where is he now? Is there a reason he isn’t here with you?”  
“He um… we… we had a bit of a falling out. It’ll be fine though! We’ll sort it out and- actually, he’s probably worried about me, so um, we should go soon…” Phil fumbled with his words.  
“Yeah,” PJ added, “Dan and Phil have taken a real liking to each other and I’m sure they can work it out.”  
“That’s good,” their teacher smiled, “We best be on our way then, huh?” 

PJ refused to talk to Dan once they made it back to school. He obviously couldn’t do anything to stop Phil from seeing Dan, so he just left it, warning Phil to be careful as he watched his friend enter his room. Phil nodded and smiled, silently thanking him for everything just one more time. The door shut loudly behind Phil, so loudly that even he jumped and ended up having to stop for a moment to take a breath. He was nervous. Where was he going to start? What the hell was he going to say to Dan?  
“Phil, I’m sorry,” Dan’s breathy voice filled the air, beating Phil to initiating the conversation, “I fucked up. I fuck up a lot, and I’m sorry. None of this is fair to you, or anyone else, and… I thought I was in control… I wasn’t in control, I was wrong, I fucked up, and I’m sorry.”  
“Sometimes I see the nice bits of you,” Phil started as he took a step in Dan’s direction, “You’re nice, and funny, and-”  
“Normal?”  
“There’s no such thing as normal.”  
“You’re normal. You’re best friends with normal.”  
“Normal is circumstantial, everyone has a different idea of what normal is,” Phil told the miserable looking boy. Dan, reluctantly, looked up at Phil for the first time since Phil had entered the room, his hair, the colour of burnt umber, falling across his eyes for a moment before being gently flicked off to the side by Phil’s slender fingers. “Sometimes I see those nice bits, and your smile and the way your eyes light up and your dimple concaves,” he continued, “And it’s good and I never want it to end.”  
“And then I go back to being the mess that I am and you realise that I’m not worth the few little moments that you may get to enjoy from time-to-time,” Dan sighed.  
Phil shakes his head, “No. Nuh-uh,” he smiled warmly. “Yeah, you’re a bit of a handful, but I care about you a lot. You were still this ‘mess’ when I started developing feelings for you, remember?”  
“That doesn’t make what happened okay, Phil.”  
“You’re right, it doesn’t. What happened wasn’t okay, but please don’t beat yourself up about it,” Phil begged. “The only thing that really concerns me is the fact that you- you… you almost killed yourself. I’ve had two days of just sitting in a hospital bed thinking about the fact that you almost died… Chris came and told me that you weren’t actually trying to kill yourself, and I don’t think he would lie to me about that, but I need to hear it from you, Dan.”  
“I wasn’t trying to kill myself, I swear. I wouldn’t do that, not now, not to you.”  
“Okay,” Phil nodded slowly, “So you were just… and then…”  
“I didn’t realise that I’d gone too far, and by the time I realised it had become a problem I just didn’t have the energy to do anything about it. If it weren’t for Chris…” Dan trailed off, biting his lip. He didn’t have to finish the sentence, both he and Phil already knew how it ended.  
The words slipped from Phil’s mouth, his voice quiet and genuine as Dan’s eyes traced over him, “I think I might be starting to love you. Maybe.”  
“Me too,” Dan smiled hesitantly before his face fell to a frown, “I think I need help.”  
“I think so too,” agreed Phil, “There’s nothing wrong with needing help; I just want you to be safe and to feel okay…” Dan nodded, almost teary eyed, as he leaned in and wrapped his arms around Phil’s torso, feeling steady arms hug him back as he breathed in the berry-scent of Phil.  
Dan almost didn’t believe how understanding Phil was, but with all things considered, he guessed it made sense. 

“Her name is Georgia,” PJ grinned as Chris and Phil practically squeaked in delight, “I met her not long ago and we’ve hung out a few times, and um… so since Dan’s hanging out with us, not that he’s not a delight and all,” he added for Phil’s sake, “I thought that maybe you guys could meet her properly tomorrow? Most of her friends are either visiting their parents or going into town this weekend, so…”  
“Yes! Of course we want to meet her!” Phil exclaimed, elbowing Chris whom quickly joined in with a smile and a nod.  
“What does she look like?” Chris pondered aloud, and PJ’s grin grew even wider.  
“She has strawberry-blonde hair, and pretty brown eyes, and she’s so cute,” he chuckled, “She’s a bit chubby, and wears black jeans a lot, and if she’s not then she’s wearing a pretty dress, and man… the contrast. She’s funny, and quick-witted, and nice, and-”  
“And PJ’s in love,” Chris winked, finishing his sentence for him. PJ scowls at him for a moment before falling into a light laughter. PJ was happy, and that made Phil happy because PJ deserved all the good things that the world had to offer, especially after all of the years of looking out for and protecting Phil. “All jokes aside,” Chris interrupted the silence, “I’m excited to meet her, mate.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long! I'm working out a lot of things at the moment, and life has not been kind. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm getting back on track and since this fic has come back from hiatus, I thought now might also be a good time to... GIVE YOU A SNEAK PEAK OF MY NEXT FIC! 
> 
> Just head on over to my profile and click on "For Future Reference, See a Psychic" (and while you're over there, if you haven't already feel free to check out my other fics; I highly recommend Absolutely Lovely, it's my favourite thing I've written)!


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed ‘bad boy’, is forced into a new boarding school when he’s expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He’s a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, eventual smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry.
> 
> (Also, comments are what give me life, so hit me up!)

“You hate her, don’t you?” PJ asked just moments after Georgia, his not-quite-girlfriend, left the school cafeteria. The four of them, Chris, PJ, Dan, and Phil, were seated around one of the larger round tables, picking at their lunches and silently thinking about how they were going to spend the rest of their Saturday.

“We don’t… hate her,” Chris spoke up, “She’s just… not what we expected for you. Well, not what I expected for you, I can’t really speak on behalf of anyone else.”

“I liked her,” Phil said, Chris and Dan turned to look at him, a little shocked, “She’s nice,” he justified as Chris opened his mouth to probably object, “She’s a little weird, but I like her and I think that we should get to know her better,” he smiled.

“Thank you!” PJ gasped, “I don’t understand why you don’t like her,” he says, turning to Chris and Dan, “You two are… well, to be fair, Dan you’re an absolute mess and I had every right not to like you at first, and Chris, you’re really… you know what you are, but Georgia, she’s cool. She’s upbeat, she’s-”

“Loud? Opinionated? Intimidating?” Dan suggested,

“She is,” PJ confirmed, “And there’s nothing wrong with that. I like her opinions, and I like how she made you and Chris feel too uncomfortable with them to even contribute. It’s a strange quality, but it’s just that, a quality.”

“Okay, yeah, and she was actually really pretty…” Dan joined, earning a glare from Phil.

 

Despite it being three and a half weeks since the incident with the hospital, and the blood, and the shower, Phil was still having some issues in fully re-establishing his trust with Dan. Phil couldn’t express how many times he’d held his breath before walking into their shared room for fear of finding his lifeless body on the floor. Thankfully, that hadn’t happened, but the fear was still there. Phil just didn’t trust that Dan wouldn’t do something like that to him, and when that trust was broken, everything just went right out the window with a heave and a ho. If Dan was willing to almost kill himself, then what would really be stopping Dan from doing something else to hurt Phil, like cheating on him, or legitimately turning up dead one day?

 

“Was she, Dan?” Phil asked, only loud enough for Dan to hear. Dan didn’t answer him.

“Just give her a chance,” PJ pleaded, “She probably doesn’t think you’re all head cases, so the least you could do is assume the best of her too.”

“So, by assuming we’re not crazy is assuming the best of us?” Chris asked,

“To be honest, it’s assuming the better of some of us,” Phil answers sourly.

“Phil, seriously…” Dan started softly,

“Don’t ‘seriously’ me, Dan,” Phil shook his head, standing from the table and power walking out of the large room.

“What did you do now?” PJ asked Dan once Phil was out of earshot,

“Nothing!” Dan defended with an eye roll, “I haven’t done anything; he’s just been like this all week. He was fine and now suddenly he hates me all the time.”

“Have you been going to your appointments like you promised him?” Chris asked, and Dan nodded.

“Have you done anything different?” PJ asked with a shrug,

“I’ve gone out a few times?” Dan said, “Like, I have other friends too, you know?”

“Drugs?” Chris asked this time, and PJ’s eyes widened, looking between the two of them,

“Nothing that leaves tracks…” Dan confessed,

“Tracks?” PJ repeated, confused,

“Could he have found anything?” Chris continues, ignoring PJ,

“Is this something you two do? Hide drugs in our rooms? Do you not notice that I am literally right here and that I share a room with you, Chris?” PJ spoke up.

“No, Peej, it’s not something we do. It’s not a secret plan or something, but it’s something that’s happened before, remember?” Chris explained, pushing his hair from his face a little more.

“I don’t keep anything in the room,” Dan lied.

“But what are tracks?” PJ asked again; no one answered him.

 

Once Dan had finished lunch, he headed straight back to his room in hopes of finding Phil. He was sick and he was tired of Phil’s moodiness and ready to do something about it. He punched in the code after almost having forgotten it, and pushed open the door, finding the room empty. He let out a sigh and rounded the corner into the bathroom. It wasn’t empty. Phil was stood in front of the mirrored cabinet, pulling items out and balancing them on the porcelain of the white bathroom sink. He was looking for something.

 

“I don’t hide anything in here anymore,” Dan spoke harshly, scaring Phil and causing him to jump a little at the sudden break in silence, “I promised you I wouldn’t.”

“You promised no drugs in the room and you broke that,” Phil shot him a glare, “I know you’re using something again.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Because I found these,” Phil shuffled his hand around in his pocket before pulling out a small, clear, snap-lock bag of white pills and another one full of chopped marijuana, “When you were out last night I was looking for-”

“You were looking for drugs, weren’t you?” Dan blinked. Phil shook his head.

“I was looking for razors.”

“Why?” Dan shook his head with a sigh, “Honestly, this was nice and sort of endearing at first, but seriously, all you’re doing is trying to control me, Phil. You know that I’ve stopped that after… what happened.”

“But you haven’t,” Phil told him, “At least I don’t think you have,” he bites his lip, looking down at the ugly carpet. “You’ve been distant, and going out a lot again, and…”

“And what?! None of those things are proof enough for you to need to go through my crap!”

“You won’t take your clothes off if I’m in the room, unless it’s dark. That’s never been something you do… except when you were hurting yourself. I thought we were getting closer like… that. I thought that… I just- I miss cuddling with you and I miss you trying to talk me out of my clothes, and honestly, it’s like we’re not even together anymore. It’s been like this for almost two weeks. The first week after I was out of hospital, you were exactly like-”

“Like you want me to be, but now I’m acting like myself again and you don’t like it?” Dan finished for him,

“No… Dan, I just want you to get better, even if you’re not with me, even if it’s just for you…” Phil said in a small voice.

“Old habits die hard, Phil, and quite frankly, I like you, but I’ve relied on all of this for a lot longer than I’ve relied on you.”

“We’re friends, Dan… We’re more than friends, and you’re friends with my friends now, and me and you…” Phil spoke quietly.

 

“We were a joke, Phil,” Dan said, and that’s exactly what they were. A joke. Phil was too good for Dan, in Dan’s opinion at least, and Dan was always going to go back to what he’s grown to know and love. It made him feel free, and all Phil was doing was trying to help, hindering Dan’s freedom in the process. Yeah, Dan was trying to get help, but it was a hassle. His heart wasn’t in his recovery, he wasn’t even sure he wanted to ‘get better’, he felt fine as he was, and Phil just didn’t understand. Phil would never understand. “You’re never going to get it. We’re too different, and you’re too controlling, and you’re too controlled – are you ever just going to relax and let people live, or even let yourself live?”

“That’s what I’m trying to do! I’m trying to help you live, because eventually you’re going to wind up dead!” Phil exclaimed a little louder this time, “I’m not too controlling, or too controlled!”

“You never have fun, Phil,” Dan sneered, “All I wanted was to see if I could get in your pants, and really, you’re not that fun. It took a fuckload of effort for not much of a reward.”

 

Phil’s world stopped for a moment, the only thing he was aware of was the beating of his own heart, which felt like it had been torn from his chest and squeezed into a damaged clump of disgusting human organ. It wasn’t real. None of it. Phil felt himself crumble, imploding almost, on the inside, and he gasped for a breath. This wasn’t an anxiety attack, but it still felt like he was having a heart attack while having his lungs crushed by an external force. It was heart break, and Phil let the tears out. If it was all a joke, why did it matter? This definitely wouldn’t have been the most personal thing Dan had seen, so who really cared? Phil certainly didn’t.

“…What?” Phil squeaked into the momentary silence.

“You heard me,” Dan said, feeling a similar level of heartache as Phil seemed to be experiencing, the difference being that he had to conceal it. He didn’t want to hurt Phil, but it had to happen. It would be easier now than later right? Sure, it wasn’t something he had properly thought out, and yes, Dan hadn’t really planned on doing this, but it was too late to take it back after the first horrible thing he’d said. He had to roll with it. “Are you going to give that back to me, or are you gonna stand there holding it hostage?” Dan asked, referring to the two tiny bags of illegal substances in Phil’s hands.

“These?” Phil questioned, holding them up a little to emphasize them,

“Well what else is a loser like you gonna do with them? It’s not like you’ve ever done anything fun in your pathetic excuse for a life.”

“I could give them to the principle,” Phil shrugged, and Dan frozen. Shit. “But you know what?”

“What?” Dan swallowed the saliva in his mouth,

“I could liven up my ‘pathetic excuse for a life’,” Phil let out a short laugh. It barely constituted as a laugh, really, just a single, almost cynical chuckle. Phil watched as Dan rolled his eyes in obvious disbelief of what Phil was saying, so he opened the baggy with the little white pills, poured six into his hand, watching Dan’s widening eyes, and placed his thumb over the majority of the white pills in his palm before raising his hand to his mouth and swallowing all that fell into his mouth. He raised his eyebrow at Dan in a dead expression before turning and walking past Dan and out the door to their room, throwing the remaining baggies and their contents over his shoulder in Dan’s general direction before wiping his eyes and walking out the door with a mocking, “See-ya, Dan.”


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan Howell, the assumed ‘bad boy’, is forced into a new boarding school when he’s expelled from school for the 3rd time. His new roommate, Phil Lester, is eager help him out and be his friend, but Dan is difficult. He’s a problem and he knows it. Warnings: Self-harm, eventual smut (heh, heh, heh), angst, substance abuse and mental health issues.

Slam. 

Dan remained perfectly still, eyes trained on Phil in a combination of both shock and fear. The second the door was shut, he sucked in a fast, deep breath, slapping his palms against his forehead before dragging his hands down his face and falling backward into a sitting position on his bed. He's really fucked up this time. Every time something good comes along, he destroys it. He took whatever, or whoever, it is that was positively impacting his life and he obliterated it. It's what he did, and he knew he shouldn't have been surprised when it happened again, but he was. 

Dan had said some terrible, horrifically mean things to Phil, and Phil had gone and done something stupid. Really stupid. Stupid even my Dan's standards, but really, it was his fault. Phil would never have taken drugs, let alone unfamiliar, white pills with no label that he had found hidden behind the toilet in their bathroom. Oh god. Phil. The pills. Phil was on the verge of being high, after never being high before, and- wait. Just how many did he take? 

 

Dan scrambled around on the floor, letting out a loud "FUCK!" as he felt around for the pills that had flown out of the opened baggy when Phil had tossed it over his shoulder. As Dan scrounged around the floor, a series of beeps followed by the sound of the room's door opening rapidly caught him off-guard. 

"Dan? What the- what the hell are you doing?!" Chris's voice demanded from above Dan's potion on the floor. 

"Six. There's six missing..." Dan breathed, looking up at Chris with absolute fear in his eyes. 

"So?" Chris asked, "Fucking hide them before Phil gets in, will you?!" 

"Phil found them..." Dan squeaked. 

"What?" 

 

"He- he found them, and I- I don't know why, but I said- I said some really bad things to him... I- he- Phil... He cried. I watched his lip tremble before he started crying, and it broke my heart, but I kept going, and I... I'm so fucking messed up, Chris!" 

"Where's Phil? What did you say, and what does that have to do with some being missing?" 

"He took them..." Dan uttered, 

"He took them with him when he left? Is he going to tell the principle? Jesus, Dan, you'll be expelled!" Chris exclaimed, and Dan shook his head, tears escaping his eyes. 

"He took them, Chris..." Dan wept, "Phil swallowed them."

 

Chris stared into Dan’s eyes, narrowing his own slowly. He was angry. Whatever Dan had said or done had gone way too far this time. Phil didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to feel as terribly as he must have in order to allow himself to do something so stupid.

“You’d better fucking pray, Daniel Howell, that he’s okay,” Chris seethed, “You’re lucky that finding Phil takes precedence over beating the absolute living shit out of you right now,” he said, spinning on his heel and rushing out the door and slamming straight into PJ.

“God, where are you rushing to?” PJ asked with a laugh, “Chill out.”

“We have to find Phil,” Chris said seriously, jaw trembling with adrenaline. PJ stopped, scanning over Chris’s face and realising that whatever was going on wasn’t good, “Now.”

“What happened?” he asked, turning and prompting Chris to start the search with him.

 

Nowhere. Phil was nowhere to be found, even after Chris and PJ had searched what seemed like the entire school for well over four hours.

“He’s high, he’s missing, he’s upset…” PJ rattled off, finally allowing himself to feel the real fear that was building up inside of him.

“Peej, he took six of those pills,” Chris whispered, “That’s honestly the least of our problems right now…”

“Then what should I be focused on, Chris?! I have no fucking idea about anything to do with this!"

“We should be focused on the fact that he’s fucking overdosed on those things! I don’t know what that much could do to him, but I know that even if it were just one it would be scary because he’s never taken it before and- and- six… it’s a lot, PJ!”

“He could be dead…” PJ muttered, resting his hand against the brick wall of the outside of the library.

“I’m probably about sixty percent positive that I’m not dead,” a voice came from behind Chris and PJ, causing PJ to whip around. The second his eyes laid on Phil, he sprinted forward, wrapping his arms around Phil’s frame and sighing in relief.

“Phil, why did you- I don’t…” PJ stuttered, “Thank god, you’re okay!”

“But I’m not,” Phil mumbled.

“Phil, you’ve taken a lot, we have to get you to a hospital, okay?” Chris tried to gently explain, but Phil shook his head. “Please, Phil. Just to make sure you’re okay…”

“I didn’t take much,” Phil insisted.

“You took something like six of those pills,” PJ justified, “Just come with us, okay?”

“I took one.”

“Are you sure?” Chris asked, “Dan said-”

“Dan said a lot of things,” Phil interrupted, “I swallowed one, there are five in my pocket.”

“Have you been crying?”

“No.”

“Have you been crying?” PJ repeated, Phil turned away, let ting out a little squeak,

“No…”

“What did he do?” PJ asked,

“It was all a joke… it wasn’t real, and he- it was just- he…” Phil trembled as the tears started to pour again.

“Come on,” Chris nodded as PJ wrapped his arm around Phil’s waist, “Let’s go. It’ll be okay. I promise.”

“But, I…” Phil whimpered, wiggling from PJ’s loose grip and falling onto his knees, “I love him… I thought- I thought that he… I don’t understand…”

 

After picking Phil up from the ground and managing to walk him back to his room, PJ waited with him in the hallway as Chris went into Dan and Phil’s room in search of Dan. With no sign of Dan, Chris emerged and told Phil it was clear for him to go in. Still a teary mess, Phil thanked them as they sat with him on his bed and talked about everything that had happened that afternoon. It was hard for Phil. He was heartbroken and confused, used and trampled on. He felt like a freshly ironed shirt that had been dropped in the mud, scrunched into a ball and then tossed aside because after everything, he was still expected to look like the freshly ironed shirt he’d started out as. He was too distanced from the world within his own mind that he couldn’t even think of a good simile or metaphor, that’s how terrible he felt.

“Where’d you go this afternoon?” PJ asked Phil,

“One of the old classrooms,” Phil answered, “I wanted to be alone…”

“I’m sorry about what Dan said to you…” Chris spoke,

“I should’ve known,” Phil breathed in response. “After everything that happened when he first got here, with the girls and drugs, and everything else… the second he started showing an interest in me should have been a red flag.”

“I know that what he said was horrible, and I know you’re hurting,” Chris began slowly, “But I think everything he said to you today was a lie…”

“Are you seriously taking his side after what happened?!” PJ demanded, “What the hell is wrong with you?! I know you’re mates, but seriously?!”

“Yes, seriously! You should have seen him when I found him after Phil left, he was in a panic and he seemed so scared of what might happen to Phil. He was crying, and he told me-”

“It doesn’t matter,” PJ snapped, “Even if he was lying, Phil wouldn’t forgive him after all this, Dan was more than a jerk and he doesn’t deserve anything.”

“But, PJ…” Phil whispered, “I would. I would forgive him… I love him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live to break your hearts and I am sincerely apologetic.
> 
> In other news, check out my new fic "For Future Reference, See a Psychic"! I've started uploading and it's probably the best thing I've written! 
> 
> In other other news, my gran (whom I lived with) died yesterday, so um, if this is totally crap it's because my mind is on other things... 
> 
> Anyway, I'm 100% fine, but I like attention, so feel free to leave comments about the fic so I can feel good about myself hahaha


	31. Chapter 31

It was nights like these that Phil missed being at home in his childhood bedroom. He missed staring up at the glow-in-the-dark ceiling stars that he and his mother had tiresomely spent sticking to the roof of his bedroom when he was ten. He missed the sleepovers with PJ where they would eat pizza and then vow that at their next sleepover they would eat something different, and then when that next time rolled around they would laugh as they stuffed their faces with more pizza. He missed the sound that the wind made when it hit the shutters outside, and most of all, he missed how simple his life was before his friend had killed himself, before he’d met Dan, before he’d found out about his friends hurting themselves, before people he knew were using drugs and getting drunk at any and every opportunity. 

Phil rolled over, opening his eyes to take a look at the empty bed on the other side of the room. It’d been empty for a while now. Six weeks to be exact. Dan never came back. Phil had approached teachers looking for information, but he always got the same response,   
“He’ll be back soon.”   
Except soon had long passed and Phil was growing anxious. He didn’t know what to think or how to feel. Would it be better or worse when Dan got back? Would it be easier to talk to him, or would it be harder? Phil let out a faint breath and rolled back over, closing his eyes once more and trying to force himself to fall asleep. 

This idea of Dan coming back scared him. The only thing that scared him more was the idea of Dan never coming back, and even just thinking about either of those things made him feel physically sick.   
“How’re you doing today, Phil?” the school’s new school counsellor asked the next morning in passing through to get breakfast.   
“Fine,” Phil had lied.  
“I’ll see you during period three, then?” Ms Mesheart asks with a smile, and Phil nods silently. Ms Mesheart showed up right around the time Dan left, and while he was glad that Freecrow Academy had finally employed someone for the job of school counsellor he couldn’t help but feel as though the two were linked. Ms Mesheart just appeared two days after Dan had disappeared from the campus and it seemed almost as though she had a list of students prepared and ready to go for counselling. Phil, Chris, PJ, and a few other students that have been known to get themselves in trouble, or that have been busted smoking or drinking on school grounds. 

It was almost suspicious, the way that Ms Mesheart just knew who to talk to and what about – not so much in regard to the students that’d been busted for problematic behaviour, but more so apropos to Phil, Chris, and PJ.   
“Hey Phil,” she said a few short hours later as they got comfortable in her office, “Still feeling alright today?”   
“Yeah,” he answered, “Um, do you know anything about Dan yet?”   
“No, I don’t, I’m sorry,” she grimaced, “But like I said the other day, he should be back soon.”   
“That’s what everyone’s said…” Phil sighed, “He’s been gone for weeks, and some of his stuff is gone too, but not enough for him to have gone home. Does the school even know where he is?”   
“We do know where he is, but we’re just not allowed to disclose that kind of information to other students, but remember Phil, this is about you, not Daniel.”   
“Fine. What do you want to talk about then?” he asked.   
“How’ve you been coping since I saw you on Friday?”  
“Literally exactly the same.”   
“And you haven’t had any urges to hurt yourself?”   
“I’ve told you the last six times I’ve seen you that I don’t do that and that I never have, so unless you want me to start, I’d suggest dropping it,” Phil snapped, frustrated. The rest of the hour long session wasn’t much more pleasant either. 

Phil rolled his eyes as he shut the door to the office at the end of the hour. He sucked in a deep breath and marched himself back up to his room. He didn’t care if he missed the rest of his classes, he knew he was already ahead in all of them – the past six weeks without Dan had felt so empty that the only way he knew how to fill the time was with near-obsessive studying. 

He punched in the key to his room, accidentally hitting the buttons a little too hard because it actually hurt his thumb, and storming into the room, walking in a straight line to his bed and allowing himself to collapse onto it, face first.   
“Shouldn’t you be in class?” Dan’s voice echoes in his head.   
‘Yes, because I’m a loser nerd with no life and nothing better to do than school,’ Phil thought to himself. Even when Dan wasn’t there he managed to torment Phil in some way. Quite frankly, he’s sick of hearing Dan’s voice in his head. He’s tired of the confusing messages that his mind sends him in Dan’s voice, as if only to hurt him further. 

“…Phil?” Dan’s voice bounced from wall to wall inside his skull, “You don’t have to answer me, I understand…”   
‘Well, of course you understand, that’s because you and I – wait, no, we’re both me – know that if I did answer I would be crazy’, Phil thought.   
“I’m sorry,” Dan’s voice continued in Phil’s mind, but Phil had heard it all before. The second the voice apologised and convinced Phil to forgive him, it would turn mean, vicious, spiteful… and even though it wasn’t really Dan, even though his brown eyed lover wasn’t there, it hurt. “Phil, I didn’t mean any of it… I didn’t mean anything that I said to you before I left. I swear to God, Phil, I was so messed up and I know you were trying to help. I didn’t appreciate that, I didn’t even really see it toward the end there, because I was so fucked up. You were right,” the voice continued, and the only reason Phil let it do so was because he was too tired to fight it, “I was hurting myself again. I was using again. I was going out and I was drinking a lot again. I was getting worse again, and I’m going to be one hundred percent honest with you… During our fight, where you… you took the pills… I couldn’t remember the last time I wasn’t on something. I was high. When I was with you, when I was with Chris and PJ, when I was in class, when I was alone, when I went out, and when- you get what I mean. I couldn’t make it through the day without something. It was four or more weeks after the incident with you finding me in the bathroom that I left, right? That’s over a month of me just… fucking myself up… and I that you saw it, and I hated then that you noticed it. I can’t change what happened, and I’m so sorry that I can’t do that for you, for me, for everyone involved, but I want you to know that I’ve changed how I feel about you noticing me changing. I’m glad that, despite the circumstances being what they were, I’m glad that you noticed. It means that you really did care about me… No one else did before you. You changed my life in a great way and that scared me, because I’m just really screwed up, so I ruined everything. It was all my fault, and I’m sorry.”   
“Ugh,” Phil mumbled to himself, smooshing his face deeper into his pillow.   
“I’ll take that as a sigh of you listening,” Phil’s brain continues to torture him with Dan’s voice, “I’m sorry I disappeared. I, um, I’m not telling you this to get sympathy, I just think you deserve to know the truth… After everything that day, I overdosed on heroin and alcohol… It’s um, it’s a dangerous combination, obviously I knew that and that’s why I picked it, but, yeah…” 

Phil knew that none of this conversation was real, but hearing the words… having an explanation for the first time in six long weeks, it caused goose bumps to erupt all over Phil’s body, pricking at his skin. It was plausible. It all made sense, and… wait. What if this was more than Phil’s mind playing tricks on him? What if this was Dan’s ghost trying to communicate with him? Phil froze. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t breathe in or out. He didn’t speak. He didn’t do anything. Phil knew the truth. It all added up. 

Dan Howell was dead.


	32. Chapter 32

“Phil, will you please just look at me?” the voice begged him, “Please…” it squeaked.   
“I’m sorry…” Phil sobbed, “I’m so sorry…”   
“What? What are you sorry for? You didn’t do anything…” Dan’s voice said quietly before Phil felt a gentle hand on his upper back. The second he processed the touch, Phil flinched, picking himself up and scrambling backwards toward the wall in shock with a short scream.   
“Oh my god!” Phil yelled, staring up at the figure standing in front of him. It was Dan. It was really Dan, looking down at him with scared, concerned eyes, and tear tracks on his cheeks. “Dan..?” Phil asked quieter this time, “It’s really you!”   
“Well, yes,” Dan answers, “Who did you think was talking to you?”   
“You! But… not you… your ghost?” Phil spluttered.   
“I’m not dead, I swear!” Dan assures him, “But, you, um… you got what I said, right?”   
“Everything you said? Just now? Today? Or…”   
“Yes, just today... Are you okay, Phil?”   
“You overdosed. Was it an accident?” Phil asked, blinking back tears now that he knew for sure that it was all real.   
“It wasn’t an accident…” Dan mumbled.   
“You tried to kill yourself.” Phil stated, “You would’ve left me forever…”   
“I’m sorry… I didn’t want that, but I thought it would help,” Dan said, licking his lips and tasting the salt of his tears.   
“Where have you been?”   
“South Bay…” Dan told him, referring to the local mental health ward. The mental hospital.   
“For six weeks?”   
“I made sure no one knew but a few teachers. It helped that my parents didn’t want anyone to know either, they just… they didn’t care about me, just their reputations as parents… I had to tell the doctor and psychologists everything… Even about Chris, and about me and you, and about PJ… I had to tell them everything about the ‘friends’ I used to get drunk and high with… Everything. I’m sorry if any of the teachers spoke to you about what went on… The hospital is a mandatory reporter for that kind of thing…” 

“We have a school counsellor now,” Phil nods, “She’s annoying and doesn’t listen to most of what I tell her.”   
“I’m sorry…”   
“I forgive you…” Phil breathes, feeling tears running down his face, “What happened wasn’t okay, but I forgive you.”   
“They asked if I wanted to come back to this room with you, so before I gave them an answer I said I’d talk to you first,” Dan said, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “I’m clean. I went on a detox at the hospital. I haven’t touched anything, drugs, alcohol, smokes, anything, not since I left. I’m planning on keeping it that way.”   
“Are you still hurting yourself?” Phil dared to ask,   
“I wasn’t actually addicted to the drugs… It really was a recreational thing that got out of control because of my urge to hurt myself. I was lucky in that sense, it could have been a lot worse, especially if I was dependant on using.”   
“But the self-harm?”   
“I’m trying…” Dan choked, “I’m trying so hard, and it really is hard, Phil… When I was in there I found myself staring at objects and trying to figure out the most effective way to use it to hurt myself... I don’t even know if you want anything to do with me, but if you do… I don’t want to hurt you by doing that to myself, so I’m going to stop. I’m to try my absolute hardest, Phil…”   
“And if I say I don’t want anything to do with you?”   
“I’m still going to try my hardest to stop.”   
“And you really didn’t mean those things you said about me… about us?”   
“I didn’t Phil…” Dan says as Phil holds his breath, “I just- I wasn’t right in the head. I was so messed up…” 

“Dan,” Phil began shakily, unsure of whether or not this was something he wanted to ask. He didn’t know what the answer would be, whether it would shatter him into a billion little, tiny pieces, or if it wouldn’t. “Did you ever actually love me?”   
“Yes,” Dan answered without hesitation, “Letting myself love you was the least stupid thing I’ve ever done.”   
“Do you still love me?” Phil continued with a wobble of his lip and a short exhale. He was scared.   
“What do you want me to say?”   
“I don’t know…” Phil admitted. It was true. He didn’t know what he wanted Dan’s answer to be. He wanted Dan to love him, to want him, to hold him and to kiss his cheek, telling him that it would all be alright. But what if it wasn’t? Phil didn’t want lies. “The truth?” Phil suggested eventually.   
“I still love you… How could I not, Phil? You’re incredible… I dreamt about you every night and thought about you every day… but if you don’t want me, that’s okay,” Dan spoke calmly, “I don’t deserve you.”   
“No, you don’t.”   
“I’ll move to another room,” Dan nodded, no hint of anger or spite in his voice. He wasn’t trying to make Phil feel guilty.   
“Please don’t…” Phil breathed as the brown eyed boy turned around to pack his things, “Dan, I love you too. I missed you so much, even after everything you said.” 

Phil skipped dinner that night, and breakfast the next morning, and it wasn’t until lunch that Saturday that PJ started worrying.   
“I haven’t heard anything from him since before he went to see Ms Mesheart yesterday,” PJ told Chris, “Do you think he said something and they took him somewhere? Do you think they would do that without telling me, or us? Should we call his mum and see if she knows where he is?”   
“Peej,” Chris looked at him, clearly unimpressed, “How about after lunch we go and check his room, okay? Calm down, he’s probably-”   
“He’s fine!” PJ suddenly exclaimed, throwing his chair back and rushing across the room to Phil, stopping with a slight wobble in front of Phil.   
“I’m fine,” Phil nodded, huge smile across his face.   
“You’re smiling! You’re happy!” PJ laughed with relief as they walked back and sat with Chris, whom offered a smile in return.   
“What’s got you all bright and happy? Chris asked as he took a bite of his sandwich. Phil’s cheeks suddenly felt warm, and PJ and Chris watched as he turned a deep shade of red, blushing.   
Chris fought the urge to make a comment about finding someone new and falling in love all over again, but even he was surprised when Phil said something along the same lines, “Love,” Phil had grinned.   
“Really?” PJ asked sceptically without withdrawing his support, “Is there something you’re maybe leaving out, because I feel like we’ve really missed something,” he laughed.   
“Can I tell you something?” Phil smiled, holding in an embarrassed laugh,   
“Of course,” his two friends answered in unison.   
“What’s up?” PJ asked half a second later,   
“Okay…” Phil breathed in, “Last night… I lost my virginity…”   
PJ dropped the remaining crusts of his sandwich on the cafeteria table. “You WHAT?!”


End file.
